Shake Shake Shake, Shake and Tooty

Errand day was like any other on Thursday. Almost. My rumpus/leg is pretty much back to normal, with only an occasional twinge. The Pony had been accompanying me for a couple weeks, while I was using my cane. I was planning to go without it, but The Pony had to cancel, due to a cold coming on, and not wanting to sicken me.

Anyhoo... not picking up The Pony altered my time schedule a bit. I left home later. I didn't want to stop at Casey's for gas during the school-let-out time, so I went on to the bank. I was tooling along in T-Hoe, glad to be out and about without a shooting leg pain. As I was coming up on the Save A Lot plaza, 

A CAR PULLED OUT IN FRONT OF ME!

There is no center lane. Just two lanes. Mine, and the oncoming one. This 4-door black sedan was going my way. I have no idea what the driver was thinking. I didn't even notice the driver. It could have been a burly redneck, or a little old grandma. I didn't have time to look or think. Reflexes took over. That car was coming into my lane, and not slowing. Just pulling out of the lot and gassing it, crossing one lane of traffic to get into my lane.

I jammed on T-Hoe's brakes, veered right onto a thin sliver (as opposed to a fat sliver, heh, heh) of gravel that acts as a shoulder, hoping not to run down the little hill of grass. Good thing T-Hoe has a large triangle area within the middle of the steering wheel that is the horn. I managed to push on it without losing control of the steering.

The black sedan floored the gas pedal then, and sped off. I'd say it was within ONE INCH of hitting T-Hoe when that happened.

Actually, T-Hoe would have been doing the hitting. The front left bumper corner would have hit the black sedan on the passenger door crack. That area at the front of the front passenger door. If I had NOT slammed on the brakes and veered right, that black sedan would have hit T-Hoe on the driver's door. You know, where I WAS SITTING! 

T-Hoe is pretty sturdy. I don't think I would have been hurt. Much. But that would have damaged the door to where I couldn't open it, and I would have needed to be extracted over the giant console, onto the passenger seat, trying to get my knees bent enough to get out the passenger door. Not something I was keen to attempt.

The adrenaline from that near-catastrophe set my hands to shaking. When I got to the bank, about a half mile up the road, I could hardly get the canister out of the vacuum tube thingy to open it.

From the bank I went to Save A Lot, entering on the other end of the plaza as usual. At least I could work off some of that adrenaline by walking at a snail's pace with a cart/walker. I was still wobbly at my next stop, Casey's. Good thing I had my cane with me as I walked in to pay for gas.

I called The Pony later to share details of the missed adventure.

"You either put me in harm's way, or saved me from a worse fate! I'd like to think it was the latter, since I survived with only an adrenaline rush."

You never know what The Universe has in store...

Consequences of the Hick-Up

Yesterday, I revealed an unfortunate Hick-Up at Bargain House. Today we discuss the aftermath.

Hick and Old Buddy tore out the wet laminate flooring on Thursday. It was in the first bedroom they had finished. The flooring was ruined. And also the particle board that was underneath the flooring. Hick said that's the bad part about particle board: it soaks up water. It was there when they tore out the original carpet in that bedroom, in good shape, so Hick saw no reason to change it.

Now Hick has to let the original wood floor (that was not in good enough shape for refurbishing), and the floor joists under it, dry out before repairing the damage. Hick says it will take two days of labor, although putting down new laminate will only take them two hours. He will get the waterproof blue board to put down in place of the particle board.

Hick says they only found out about the water because Old Buddy had to take a bathroom break. He was sitting on the throne when he saw a little water outside of the shower. They had tested the shower the day before, and he thought it might just be where water had splashed out. Further investigation led them to the bedroom, where the floor was flooded. 

That's when Hick figured out what happened. He went down in the basement, and deduced that he had not fitted the pipe properly when he was working by himself on a day that Old Buddy called in sick. The water was coming from the pipes in the wall where it was hooked up to the shower. Hick thinks there had been a slow leak for about two weeks!

Hick and Old Buddy loaded the laminate flooring and particle board into the back of SilverRedO and drove it to the landfill. There's a dump fee, by the pound. Hick took the ticket to the lady to pay, and she said, "Did you have a really big load?" Hick says a normal fee for a pickup truck full of wood stuff would be around $20. His ticket was for $56! Because of the water soaked up in the wood. I asked why he didn't let it dry out first, and he said he wasn't going to pile it in the yard and get complaints, and he didn't want to drive it out here to dry out and burn, because that would take too long.

Hick has enough of the laminate flooring to replace that which was ruined. He had bought it in a big batch from the VFW store a while back. So it won't cost much to replace the floor in the bedroom. Just the waterproof blue board. The water bill is going to be a doozy, though!

A Hick-Up of Laminate Proportions

Hick had a routine medical appointment on Wednesday. It caused him to miss one of his favorite elderly lunches: 

Chopped Steak w/Mushrooms

Mashed Potatoes

Savory Carrots

Roll 

Strawberry Shortcake OR Fruit

That was too bad. But not the worst thing that happened on Wednesday. Hick went by Bargain House before driving the 30 minutes to his appointment. He made a worrisome discovery, and sent me a text:

"Found water leak this morning made big mess on floor in first bedroom I finished. Hopefully won't be too bad when I get it all apart. Can't get ahead for getting behind."

Well. I disagree about that. It would be easier to get ahead with only ONE job to do, that being Bargain House, until it's done. But I'm not one to kick a Hick when he's down.

Hick said he can't even blame this issue on Old Buddy. That it was because, on a day Old Buddy called in sick, Hick worked by himself. He was doing the plumbing and didn't shove one pipe far enough into another. Thus this leak. 

Hick says the plan is to use Old Buddy's "salamander," which is gas-powered, to put under the house and stream hot air in to dry out the flooring. I think he will also be taking it apart, but not sure if that's before or after.

Oh, well. It's only money. Only one room. Things could have been worse. I hope they're careful with that salamander. We don't need to burn the house down, or inhale carbon monoxide!

It's Like Dinner and a Show

Hick continues to be entertained by his harem of elderlies when he has lunch at the Senior Center. They are not shy, and neither is Hick.

"I had to laugh the other day. They are always laughin' and cuttin' up. The one that's 88 is really funny. The lady across from her leaned over to get something, and she said, 'Get your tit out of the potatoes!'"

"Is she the one who needed the air conditioner?"

"No. That one is newer."

"Is she happy to have her air conditioner now?"

"Yeah, but she said she almost froze to death!"

"Is she the one who was borrowing things?"

"Yeah. She didn't have nothin'! I found a bed for her. Well, it was a king size box spring, and a queen size mattress. But it works."

"What did she sleep on before?"

"She had a little cot."

"Is there a bed frame?"

"Yes. It's adjustable. She's got the mattress pushed up against the wall."

"I guess if she falls out of bed, it will be like rolling down steps. Mattress, box springs, floor."

"She said she used to fall out of her cot. But it's really low to the floor."

"Like a daycare cot?"

"It might be a daycare cot! It's little. But she ain't even five feet tall. So she fit. I cain't believe how many of them people move in, and don't have nothin'."

"They might have been living in furnished places. Or can't afford movers."

"Maybe. I sat them all down when I had my meeting about the key box. I told them, 'Look. You all are gonna have to get along with each other. You're a community here. You don't need to be fussin' and fightin' over every little thing. You need to help each other out.' And they agreed with me."

That's Hick. A leader among elderlies.

Val Attempts a Drive-By Do-Gooding

On the way home from town Monday evening, I rounded the first sharp curve on our county blacktop road, and saw an unusual sight. It was at the log cabin house, first one on the left. The lady who lives there was standing just off the road, hands on hips. Her red riding lawnmower was in the ditch.

Well. That's a predicament. If it was working, she wouldn't be standing behind it. The nose was pointed up into her yard, but the back tires were in the ditch. Like it was stuck, or couldn't power itself up the little hill on the other side of the ditch. It was the edge of her yard, about 100 feet from her house.

Of course I stopped. I didn't know how I could help, but I wanted to make sure she was okay. At least I had a cell phone, in case she didn't have hers with her, and didn't want to leave the mower there at the edge of the road to go inside the house. I put T-Hoe's window down. The lawnmower was RUNNING!

"I'm pretty sure I can't help you with this, but is there anything I can do?"

"Thank you, but my husband is on the way."

"Okay, I just wanted to see if you needed anything I could do."

"Thank you for stopping."

If she didn't have her husband coming to her rescue, my plan was to call Hick, who was home when I left, a mere three miles away. Hick would have known what to do. I figured he could bring a chain and pull out the riding mower with SilverRedO. Either by driving into her yard to pull it forward, or backward out onto the pavement where she could ride it back to her driveway.

I was of no help to that lady, but it's the thought that counts. Right?

Karma Dishes Up a Stinging Rebuke for Hick

Remember when Hick was possibly trying to "accidentally" kill Val under the guise of a buddy coming out to hunt squirrels? Supposedly he came out once, but I didn't see him, or hear any shots. I know I asked Hick how the guy could hunt with the dogs following him down into the woods. Hick said they wouldn't, but you know how dogs are. They love barking at strangers, but will then follow them around in case a kind word might come their way. Our dogs, anyway. Not the mailman-chasing dogs in town.

Anyhoo...I didn't know until 4:30 on Sunday that Squirrelly was coming out to hunt.

"Oh. Well..."

"He ain't gonna shoot you, Val! He's gonna set up some feeders down by the cabin."

"I'm going to town. Will he park in my way?"

"No. I'll meet him and tell him. He's supposed to be here in a few minutes."

I went on to town. I had gotten Hick's supper partially ready. Since my rumpus/leg shooting pain, Hick has not been catered-to as he is accustomed. Now that I'm feeling better, I've got preparations under control again, trying to use up food in FRIG II's freezer. Earlier that day, I had made some frozen Orange Chicken. I didn't have any rice, but Hick agreed to have just the MEAT, with Sister Schubert's Rolls on the side. He didn't want anything else. Only meat and bread. I had thawed the rolls, and knew I'd have the 20 minutes needed to bake them before Big Brother came on at 7:00. And maybe time to scratch my lottery tickets, too. I'd need to get started scratching by 6:00. Crosswords take a long time.

Hick appeared on the side porch when I came out of the garage at 5:30. Not to help me in case I had groceries!

"My buddy still ain't here. I come out to wait for him."

"But I'm putting the rolls in the oven! Your supper will be ready at 6:00."

"He should be here. But in case he ain't, just wait and I'll warm up the chicken."

"Okay. But I'm doing those rolls now. They're already thawed. If I'd known this, I would have gone ahead and made the rolls earlier, too, since they'll be cold now anyway. That would give me 20 more minutes for my tickets."

"It'll be fine. I don't mind."

So much for trying to cater to Hick with a recovering bum rumpus!

Anyhoo... I went on about my business. Started watching Big Brother at 7:00. Still no Hick, who came in at 7:30, and warmed his own supper. At commercials, I found out more info.

"Won't deer get into the food in those feeders? Isn't that illegal to set up feeders for deer?"

"He's using corn, so yes, the deer will eat it. It ain't illegal if you don't shoot the deer. And you're supposed to take the feeders down before deer season."

"The squirrels will probably just stay on our porch, eating the dog food."

"I bet they'll like corn better. Them dang hornets! We got into a nest of them. I got stung on the back of my arm, and my chest. Squirrelly got stung about 30 times!"

"Oh, no! I hope he's okay!"

"He was okay when he left. He ain't allergic or nothin'."

"That he knows of! I guess that's why we have homeowner's insurance and an umbrella policy. But I really hope he doesn't have some kind of reaction to so many stings."

Hick messed up my supper plans, and created evidence to support a claim of a squirrel hunter on the grounds, just in case something happens to Val. For his trouble, he had to make his own supper, and received a painful admonishment from Mother Nature.

You know what they say: Karma is a venomous insect.

Val Wishes Hick Would Have Spread Himself a Little Thicker

Oh, no! I'm having that urge again. I unfortunately took a look at real estate postings Saturday night. NOOOO!!! There were two houses on there, listed within the last 12 hours, for the low, low prices of $49,900 and $45,000. That's flip house pricing, you know! 

One looked really, really decent. Except for a rectangular hole cut down through the floor of the second bathroom, down to the dirt under the joists. Hick knows how to fix that. How to level a foundation and put in new floor joists. The rest of the house had flooring and paint and was in pretty good shape, like somebody was renovating it, and was ready to call it quits. Perhaps over the floor issue.

The other house was in Sis-Town, where we are currently displeased with city government. Also, it was completely trashed. Which sometimes Hick sees as a positive, saying, "Oh, it's already gutted." He's such a Pollyanna. 

As much as I'd like to jump right into another flip right now, so Hick will have a project for the winter, I must restrain myself. If only Hick had Bargain House done, as he'd boasted he would by the end of June, we could easily have it listed, and snap up the nicer of these two before they are gone. That's not happening, because Hick has too many irons in the blazing conflagration that is his life.

I told The Pony, who also mourned the loss of this opportunity. It's been forever since we came across such a bargain. Well, maybe not forever, but at least eight months.

Maybe another house will come along. Everything happens for a reason.

Hick Does the Post Office No Favors

About a month ago, Hick ordered two identical items to use to display merchandise in his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5). They were revolving racks. He saw them on eBay and asked me to order them. It's been so long that he used his account that we didn't have the password, so used the GUEST option to order. The email address was still the same as when Hick used his account. 

Anyhoo... Hick received ONE of the items. When he picked it up at the Backroads post office, he told the clerk there should be TWO. She said they had no record of two. Hick even went back that afternoon, to ask again. She said sometimes items get separated if the seller doesn't use separate shipping numbers. That there should have been two numbers, or the items should have been taped together. The Pony agreed. Said that sometimes a seller tries to ship cheaper, and only use one tracking number and label, and that indeed they should have been taped together. That there's no way to track the other item, and good luck finding it. The Pony was not hopeful. Nor was I.

Anyhoo... after contacting the seller and eBay, with numbers and complaints, the case dragged on, and Hick was denied refund or replacement. We'll never order anything again on eBay, though there were never any problems in the past.

But this isn't about Hick getting cheated on eBay by a seller or post office thief. It's about VAL!!!

I don't ask for much. Just for T-Hoe to work, scratchers to scratch, an occasional trip to the casino, and for Hick to do my bidding. But this week, I wanted MORE! I ordered a book from Amazon. As you probably know, Amazon uses the USPS to ship their items. It is NOT a good deal for the post office.

Anyhoo... we have those four parcel lockers down on Mailbox Row. There's where most of our packages go, because they don't fit in our cylindrical mailbox made of steel. Hick's eBay items wouldn't fit in a locker, so he got the orange postcard thingy to pick it up at the post office.

My book was supposed to arrive on Thursday. I told Hick to make sure and look in our mailbox for a key to a parcel locker. Yet Hick came home with nothing. Not even regular mail. I asked him about my book, but he said there was nothing in the mailbox. He even went out on the porch that evening, to see if UPS or FedEx had left a package. No. Amazon uses the USPS.

Of course I interrogated quizzed asked Hick for more details. And he swore that he had looked for a key, but nothing was in the mailbox. Even though I said there had been one parcel locker without a key in the lock when I left for town at 4:30. Which means three people had picked up their packages already, but one locker had something in it. Hick said,

"Who knows WHERE your book is? The post office probably stole it like my display rack."

Friday, when I got back on HIPPIE, I checked the tracking of my book. It had been delivered on THURSDAY, the day it was due to arrive, to a PARCEL LOCKER.

I called Hick, who was shooting the bull with his cronies. 

"Can they hear me? They are going to know you are in trouble! My book was delivered yesterday to a PARCEL LOCKER. You just didn't check."

"Huh. It might have got there after I stopped."

"That wouldn't fit with the others being empty, and one with something in it."

"I don't know. I'll check when I come home."

"You are in trouble. Go stand in the corner for five minutes!

I passed Hick on my way to town. When I got back, my book package was on the kitchen table. 

"There was a key with the mail! In fact, it was under the rubber band that held the mail together."

"That's because you didn't use it when they left it! So they wanted to make sure you saw it, because they need that locker for other packages! They hate it when people don't pick up their mail."

Hick denies responsibility. The Pony agrees with my scenario.

Hopefully an End to the AC Saga

Remember that elderly who called Hick about her air conditioner not working? That was on August 10. A couple of times, I asked Hick if he got her air conditioner fixed. NO! All this time, I should have been worrying more about that old lady! It's been REALLY hot, until a couple days ago, when the humidity lessened, and temps "only" rose into the 80s.

Also, I misunderstood Hick. Can you imagine that? With his unique communication style? When he pointed out to AC Elderly that he couldn't fix an air conditioner, I thought he was actually going to call a contractor to do it. He said he had told her, "I'll have to try and find one." I thought Hick meant a technician. What he was actually talking about was an AIR CONDITIONER.

Here's the thing. Those apartments are in an old brick building on Main Street. The only parts that are air conditioned are the common areas, not each individual apartment. Residents are responsible for getting their own air conditioners, unless somebody who moved out had left one behind. Hick said there was one sitting in his office, and he gave it to AC Elderly. Then it broke down.

Hick said he told AC Elderly that he'd see if there was another one, but there wasn't. Anyhoo... AC Elderly called Hick on Wednesday, and said, "If I buy one, can you put it in for me?" And Hick told her, "Yeah. I can put it in."

Thursday, Hick put in the air conditioner. I am so relieved! Though sad she had to wait so long. Hick said she was fine. "She's been sitting downstairs, where it's cool. She likes to watch the traffic go by."

"That's not like being comfortable in your own apartment!"

"No. But we never had air conditioning when we was kids, and we didn't even notice it."

"Because we were always outside playing! Not elderlies who can't get around! My grandma and grandpa used to sleep outside in the summer, on their lounge chairs. This old lady can't do that!"

"She's fine. She happy that I put in her air conditioner."

That's probably not part of Hick's job, either.

People Sure Expect a Lot for a Job That Pays Less Than $300 a Month

Wednesday night around 6:50, Hick's phone rang. The thought in MY mind was: "What fresh Not-Heaven is this?" I heard Hick's end of the conversation.

"This is him. Uh huh. Well, yeah. I'm just sittin' here watchin' TV."

At first I thought it might be The Veteran. Or one of Hick's cronies. Then not.

"I can do that. Tomorrow. I'll be there around 10:30. Yeah. I'll just get a ladder. Oh, and if you get locked out, there's a lockbox on the front and back doors. There's a key in it to get in. Then just put the key back in the box. The number for it is XXXX."

Clearly, it was some elderly with a predicament.

"Which elderly girlfriend was that?"

"It was Name Name. She don't live there. Her dad does, but he's been in the hospital. She said her and her sister went by to do some cleaning, and she was trying to put up a smoke detector. But she was standing on a stool, and almost fell off. So I told her I'd fix it tomorrow."

So now even people who don't live there call Hick for help! You'd think it was something that might have waited until regular business hours. It's not like the old man was going to be there overnight. I'm not sure on the details because, well, you know Hick's communication style. Surely there would be smoke detectors in every apartment and common area. Maybe that gal was just replacing a battery. And why did she ask Hick what he was doing? Is that her business? Did she think he would slap a flashing light on top of SilverRedO and speed over to catch her falling off a stool?

Hick said last week that one of the old ladies at lunch was complaining about apartment stuff, and he told her, "You know, I only make less than $300 a month for doing this job. I have other projects to work on that are more important than some of this stuff you keep asking me to do."

She said, "EWW! Why would you take a job like that?"

Hick said, "Because I want to help all of you to have a safe place to live."

Maybe she'll spread the word. What else do the elderlies have to do besides gossip? 

Well. And call Hick... 

A Productive Day 2 for the Bargain House Bathroom

Hick continued work on the Bargain House bathroom on Wednesday. The picture he sent said, "Half drywall up."

That's the special blue board used for bathrooms or damp areas. Looks like Hick has the drain and water ready to connect when he puts the new toilet in place. The sink will be where the fan is sitting, with a mirror over it. Hick can't put the new medicine cabinet above the sink, due to the low ceiling. The doors won't open when he installs the new light he got for FREE with the lumber and two doors he got from that storage unit crony. The medicine cabinet will go in that hole in the wall.

Here's an old picture again:

Hick also put the bathroom door on later in the afternoon. He and Old Buddy work three hours a day, and Hick does more sometimes before coming home, if it's a one-man job. 

Anyhoo... he was home by 2:00, so I'd say he's made a lot of progress this week so far, considering the man-hours that went into it.

Hick, the Bargaincutioner

Hick went to Lowe's on Monday to pick up everything he needs for the main bathroom of Bargain House. You might recall that it needed to be gutted and re-done. Even though people had been living in it, and Hick's buddy had said he would just clean it up, paint, and rent it, or list it for resale. 

Here's what the bathroom looked like when we bought it:

I would feel dirtier instead of cleaner, after a bath in that tub!

Anyhoo... Hick sent me a picture at 9:32 Tuesday morning, saying "Tub installed."

Only Hick would call that "installed." I would say it has been set in place. Then again, I'm not an unlicensed contractor, nor a bargain-finder.

Hick had gone to Lowe's on Sunday, with a list of what he wanted. He talked to a girl at the counter about his special Lowe's Pro credit card that he had gotten a while back. The one I didn't like, because it came as a separate bill, without any send-back stub, and was quite confusing. So Hick had stopped using that, in favor of the regular Lowe's card as he needed to pick things up.

"The guy who was helping me said I ought to go talk to the service desk, because I could get my discount on an order this much. So I did, and I can. It's a BIG discount. So from now on, I'll get my order ready so it's big enough for the discount."

"It's not going to be that weird bill, is it? It never shows where to send it, or what's been paid on the other card. Maybe you should just use the debit, or I'll give you a check."

"No, I have to use the other card to get the discount. But a few days later, I can go down and pay it in person with a check or debit, like I did the last time I went to get it straightened out. I'm down there all the time. It ain't no problem."

When it comes to that discount, Hick wasn't a-woofin', as my grandpa would say. He had 118 items! Tub, toilet, vanity, sink, medicine cabinet, plumbing supplies, fixtures. Everything! The bill was $2933.14. But because Hick got that discount for using his Lowe's Pro credit card, it only cost us $2317.23. That's a savings of $615.91.

Hick has a nose for bargains. I have a brain for keeping records of expenditures.

The Old Ball and Chain Sends Hick Back to the Salt Mines

It's no secret that Val thinks Hick is spreading himself too thin. Like a single pat of butter on a thick slice of toast. The subject comes up when things don't happen, like the long-awaited oil change for T-Hoe. Or when things DO happen, like "off-duty" calls from elderlies at the apartments who have gotten themselves into a predicament.

"You don't have time for all these extra jobs, like going out to work on [former Backcreek Neighbors] Nick and Bev's house. Or remodeling for your people who work at the Senior Center. Plus helping your storage unit buddies when something goes wrong with their well or plumbing. Have you even worked on Bargain House since the closing on the Double Hovel? Remember how you told Realtor she could probably list it at the end of June?"

"Yeah. I need to get on it. I'm waiting on a call from the air conditioner guy. I figure I'll do the main bathroom. I'm still looking for a shower door for the other bathroom. The living room just needs flooring and paint. Then I'll do the kitchen last. It needs everything. I might go ahead and tell Realtor she can list it, and then if people want it as it is when they look at it, we can reduce the price."

"I don't think that's a good idea. I'd rather have it already finished. We didn't buy a flip to sell it as a halfway-done flip."

I didn't mention that idea to The Pony. I'm pretty sure The Pony would agree with ME. Majority rules, you know, even though Hick is doing all the work. Eventually.

Anyhoo... now I feel a little guilty. I didn't COMMAND Hick to get back to work on Bargain House immediately. The temperature has been HOT this week. Hit 100 yesterday in town, with a heat index of 106. The humidity is terrible. I don't really want Hick working in the heat. Today he took the trailer to get a load of bathroom supplies at Lowe's. Old Buddy will be helping him unload it at Bargain House. 

I hope this is not a project that will drag through the winter. But Hick could reasonably put off this labor for a week or so, until the weather breaks. Then again, he'd probably just be working on somebody else's house anyway.

Still Trying, I'm Pretty Sure

I might have mentioned once or twice my suspicion that Hick could be trying to kill me. He's not a sophisticated criminal. His tactics have obviously not been working. Doesn't keep him from trying, in my opinion! The latest possible attempt came on Friday, the night Hick notified me mid-afternoon that he'd be going to an auction that evening.

Hick got home as I was getting ready to leave for town. He'd be gone before I returned. Hick said he was getting some of his SUS2.5 money out of one of the safes, in case he found things he wanted to buy. He asked if I could change some smaller bills into bigger bills. Yes! Val is a magician, you know!

Let the record show that I keep a stash of cash in one of the safes. I save some every month, like our own personal Christmas club, so there will be money if we need it. I keep it for expenses we expect, like insurance and taxes, and miscellaneous items like car repairs or road gravel or flip house catastrophes. That money is set aside, and won't alter our regular budget or take a chunk out of the checking account that might require money to be moved around.

Anyhoo... I told Hick to bring up one of my marked envelopes, and I would set out what he needed before I left. Hick was watching Gunsmoke when I was ready to go. He said he had put my envelope on the kitchen table, but hadn't counted out his bills yet. I was in no mood to stand around, using up vital knee comfort before walking down the porch steps.

"I'll leave your big bills on the kitchen table. You can put your cash under your Senior Center menu, and I'll put it back in my envelope when I get back, for you to take back to the safe later. Then it won't be in plain sight in case anybody prowls around and looks in the window. I should be back in about an hour."

Hick said okay. He was gone when I came home. I lifted the menu to get the money, but

IT WASN'T THERE!

What in the Not-Heaven??? I searched all around. In my envelope. Under the rubber-banded bundle of mail. On the kitchen counter where I usually set my glasses case, and Hick often leaves receipts. On the table beside Hick's recliner. On the dresser in our bedroom. No money was to be found!

Was Hick trying to give me a heart attack? Where had all this money gone? Did he take HIS money and also the big bills I had provided? I was sure nobody had broken in while I was in town. The door was still locked. Nothing disturbed. How could that money just disappear?

Hick didn't get home until 9:30. Said he didn't buy anything, because the price was more than he wanted to pay. I asked where the money was.

"I left it right there on the table."

"WHERE? It's not where I told you to put it!"

"It's right here." 

Hick picked up the bundle of mail. Took off the rubber band. And pulled the money out from between the envelopes that were inside a cardboard-type advertisement wrapping them.

"Did I tell you to put it there? NO! I said under the menu."

"You did? Huh. I guess I didn't hear you."

Hick IS somewhat deaf. But he had said "okay" to my instructions. A simple mistake by a man hard-of-hearing... or an EVIL PLOT to hasten my demise?

Hick Habits

Hick has once again incurred Val's wrath ire mild annoyance. What's that? The sudden intake of breath at the shock of hearing this? Nah... probably just Hick's rumpus releasing hot air.

Anyhoo... my own rumpus is taking its sweet time to recover from my shooting pain. That actual shooting pain is mostly gone now, but appears randomly and briefly if I make a wrong move. Like when I land a bit off-center when descending the throne. I can feel that nerve along the back of my thigh, wanting to punish me for my carelessness. 

I have been taking my cane to town, to make sure I don't get off-balance. My walking posture for the days I grasped every bit of furniture available in order to navigate my hillbilly mansion has affected my current mobility. My left heel feels like it has a stone bruise. Or maybe plantar fasciitis. I can hardly stand without a shoe on that foot. Showering is an adventure.

What's all this got to do with Hick's habits? He is making my convalescence more difficult, without actually doing anything different. When I got home from town Saturday evening, Hick was counting out his SUS2.5 money.

"You're having your Reuben for supper?"

"Yeah. I guess I'll try to heat it in the oven..."

Sure. AS IF he is capable of that! I knew he was fishing for me to offer to do that for him. I fell for it, seeing as how Hick had to fend for himself for almost a week when my pain was at its worst.

"I guess I'll warm it for you. When do you want it?"

"Any time is good."

Heh, heh! At least he's learned that's how to respond if he expects me to fix his supper. I also offered to make him a Wild Turkey and Shasta Zero Sugar Cola, as long as he came to the kitchen to get it, and made his own snack. I am not able to walk without grabbing furniture, carrying a red Solo cup full of liquid, a can of open soda, and a snack bowl of chips. Hick fetched them for himself.

I opened FRIG II to get the container with Hick's Reuben. It was against the back wall! I did not want to lean precariously to pull it forward, lest my back take offense. I also didn't want to move the two bottles of Diet Mountain Dew attached to the plastic holder thingy.

HERE'S where we get into Hick's habits! This drives me crazy. When Hick puts his soda in FRIG II, he leaves them all attached. This wreaks havoc with other items I want to put on FRIG II's top shelf. My own sodas, in the cans, have to go on the second shelf. I only put in two at a time. I drink one each evening, and Hick sometimes needs one for his drink. I don't put the whole box of 12 sodas in there at once.

It is my opinion that Hick should take his bottles of Diet Mountain Dew out of the holder when he takes them to FRIG II. I don't mind six of them on the shelf. But there's no reason for them to be attached in a big block.

"Why did you put your Reuben all the way in the back! I had it on the front of the top shelf for you."

"Val. I had to move it so I could get to my soda this morning."

"If they weren't stuck together, you could have reached over the container to grab a soda. You wouldn't have to move anything."

Hick does not agree with me! Is that another gasp? I think not.

Happy Belated Reuben Day!

I was a bit nervous Thursday night, when Hick said, "I hope I don't forget to order the Reubens." What in the Not-Heaven??? How could this task be forgotten? Especially with Val harping about her Reuben every day of the month until it is Reuben Day.

"When do you have to call it in?"

"By 10:00."

"I'll send you a text!"

"Send it by 9:00."

I had my phone alarm set. Nothing was going to keep me from my Reuben! At 8:45, Hick sent me a text: "Val i called sandwich in"

That was a relief! Since Reuben Day is so popular at the Senior Center, they always sell out. If you don't call in, there will be none left to buy for take-out. Hick's plan was to keep them in the refrigerator at the Senior Center. He has a key, you know! We don't have the Double Hovel anymore for Hick to keep them cool until he starts home in the afternoon. It's not right to impose on The Pony every time we have Reubens that need cooling.

Anyhoo... Hick changed his mind. He was having a meeting at 1:00 with first responder people about how to use the keybox for the apartments. I guess Hick didn't want anyone to assume he was taking food from the Senior Center, if they saw him walk out with our Reubens.

They look pretty good this time! As I'm typing, I have not yet had supper, and Hick is at an auction. The menu was:

Reuben Sandwich

Southwest Salad

Cucumbers and Tomatoes

Variety of Desserts

It looks like the Cucumbers and Tomatoes were scrapped in favor of Mac & Cheese. That's the chicken that goes in the Southwest Salad. I am claiming this one, because it has the least corn kernels in the chicken! The sandwich looks like it will crisp up nicely when I toast the bread in the oven.

The Southwest Salad came on the side this time. I am trading Hick my dessert for his salad, though I will let him keep his chicken. I just want more lettuce in my salad.

Looks like the dessert is yellow cake. Nothing that tempts me. I'd rather have the salad.

I LOVE REUBEN DAY!

The Do-Gooder Gets Given

Hick had a customer at his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5) last weekend, looking for collectible stuff like old gas station memorabilia. Hick has some signs on the wall of his shop, but the good stuff he has at home, over in the BARn. Customer asked Hick if he had any old gas pumps. Hick said,

"No, but I know a guy who does. He don't have a shop, but I know he has a gas pump, and sells stuff like that."

Hick gave Customer the guy's phone number, and didn't think anything more about it. A few days ago, The Seller gave Hick $200.

"What's that for?"

"Thanks for sending me that Customer. He bought $4,000 worth of my stuff, and here's your 5% for sending him my way."

"I don't need that! I just knew you sold that stuff, and had what he was looking for."

"No, take it. Me and my wife talked it over, and I never would have sold it if you hadn't told that Customer about me. We think it's only fair that you should have it."

So Hick took his "commission," and they both were happy.

"The guy said he sold the gas pump for $1,500. And also a big Texaco sign. Of course I have my big Shell sign on the front of the BARn, and other stuff like that. But I don't want people coming out here to look, and this guy sells out of his home."

Hick has many irons in many fires.

Those Wacky Elderlies With a Hotline to Hick

If this was the olden days, before cell phones, when landlines ruled the earth... Hick would have a special phone. Red, perhaps. At least with a flashing red light, and extra-loud ring. He's on-call, you know, 24/7/365. At the beck and call of his elderlies. No desire is too large or too small. Hick is their lifeline.

Tuesday night, it was after 8:00 when Hick's phone rang. I thought it might be one of his storage unit buddies.

"Yeah. I still have it. No, not yet. It's getting late right now. But I will. On Wednesday, or maybe Thursday. Yes. I'll let you know."

"What was THAT all about. Don't tell me it was one of your old ladies..."

"Actually, she's one of the younger ones there."

"What's broken that she needs you to fix RIGHT NOW?"

"Nothing's broken. She's been wanting to buy the couch in my office. I said I'd ask my boss about it. But he ain't been around for a couple days, and then we had the city meeting this morning, and I forgot."

"You don't really NEED a couch in your office, do you?"

"No. I ain't in the office much when I'm there. But I don't know if I can just sell it to her. I'll have to ask if I can, for how much, and what to do with the money."

"Yeah. That's really something that needs to be done on a Tuesday night after 8:00!"

Hick needs to set up some kind of round-the-clock entertainment for the elderlies! Something to keep them occupied, without breaking stuff, and keep their mind off of things that require Hick to cater to them.

Val Sees the Light and the Menu

T-Hoe has still not received an oil change, but Hick DID bring home a light for the kitchen. Of course it was the wrong light and didn't fit. He had just bought it at Lowe's. Then he decided to go down to the basement and see what he had there. Which was a light that fit! So he put it in. Took ten minutes, including trying the wrong one, and the trip to the basement.

Hick also brought in the Senior Center menu that had been out in his truck since Thursday. It looks like a tasty week.

MONDAY

Ham & Turkey Cheese Sub

Pasta Salad

Crackers

Lemon Cake OR Fruit Cocktail

(Hick ate this day, and said it was good. That the Pasta Salad was noodles with peppers.)

TUESDAY

"S'Mores for Seniors Party"

Grilled Hot Dogs w/Trimmings

Potato Salad

Pork & Beans

Soda

S'Mores & Cookies

(Hick ate this day. Said there was no Soda, and no S'Mores, and the buns were cold, like they'd been in the freezer. Hick just wanted warm buns. Didn't care about the Soda or S'Mores. He said the lady who runs it was out sick with pneumonia, and he just wants her to be okay.)

WEDNESDAY

Biscuits & Gravy

Sausage & Eggs

Hash Browns

OJ

Cinnamon Roll

(Hick plans to eat lunch this day. It's one of his favorites, although they don't give enough gravy.)

THURSDAY

Salmon Patties OR Tuna Sandwich

White Cjeddar Mac & Cheese

7 Layer Salad 

Strawberry Earthquake Cake OR Fruit

(Hick will eat this meal, too. He likes the Strawberry Earthquake Cake.)

FRIDAY

Reuben Sandwich

Southwest Salad

Cucumbers & Tomatoes

Variety of Desserts

(THIS IS MY DAY!!! Hick better bring me a Reuben! They've never had Cucumbers & Tomatoes, no matter how often it's on the menu. I hope it's not those dang wax beans that I dislike.)

Let the record show that without my "new" light, I wouldn't have been able to see to read this menu!

Two Days Forward and One Day Back

Progress is slow with the healing of my rumpus. At least there seems to be progress. I made it to town on Friday and Saturday. It was painful, and I took my cane to use at the Gas Station Chicken Store. There was a cart/walker available at the store, which helped greatly. As did the 4x a day ibuprofen, and the 4x a day acetaminophen. 

Sunday my shooting pain was kept at bay until around noon. I had plans to go to town again, but then a sudden bout of sideways rain and trees trying to uproot themselves changed my mind. No way was I going to try and hobble through that mess, or risk a tree falling on T-Hoe. I sent Hick a text asking him to bring my four crossword scratchers, but it had not yet arrived in his phone when he came through the door 90 minutes early. Saying, "Huh. You must have had quite a storm here."

Anyhoo... Hick offered to go back to town a couple hours later to get my tickets, but I told him there was not enough time to scratch them before Big Brother came on TV at 7:00. I didn't want them after that. It's an afternoon/evening thing, not a nighttime thing.

Hick made the last of his BBQ pulled pork meals. After Big Brother and some weird house shows, Hick went to bed. I went to the kitchen to make soup. It's easy enough. Just open a can and heat, with a slice of bread on the side. It was generic chunky soup, Steak and Potato flavor. With a slice of Honey Wheat bread on the side. It was good enough, and didn't stress my rumpus. I put it in a big cup, and used my special spoon. It doesn't match our set of silverware. It's a bit smaller, and more pointy. Hick brought it home in his lunchbox long ago. One of his co-workers' wives it probably to this day wondering where her spoon went.

Anyhoo... when Hick had come home, I mentioned that later I would try to bag up the trash. You know, thinking that maybe it would occur to him to be a DO-GOODER and say he could bag it for me. Nope. At 11:45 p.m. I was bagging that trash. It hurt a bit to bend over and LIFT the bag out of the wastebasket. We use the big black trash bags with the drawstring, and a tall wastebasket. First I threw away the paper plate that had held my bread and acted as a placemat for my cup of soup. I tied up the trash bag, set it at the end of the counter where Hick would trip over it, and put the cup in the sink with water in it, for washing the next morning.

That's when I noticed my special spoon was MISSING! What in the Hot-Heaven? Where was my special spoon? Oh, no! I had put it on the paper plate, so it didn't clink in the empty cup. I hadn't noticed it under the paper towel on top of the plate. 

MY SPECIAL SPOON WAS IN THE BAGGED-UP TRASH!

Well. You know what had to be done. I untied the trash bag, and leaned over, almost standing on my head, to dig for my special spoon. It took about five minutes, and the reactivation of my shooting rumpus/leg pain to find it. But I rescued it, by cracky!

It's always something.

Val and the Giant Lemon

It's no secret that Val enjoys the juice of a fresh lemon in her evening Shasta Zero Sugar Cola as she sits scratching scratchers. She picks up a bag of 8-10 lemons at 10Box. They're cheaper than buying individually, but you get what you get. Sometimes there's a rotten one in that bag if you're not careful and take a whiff before buying. The holey bag has clear portions so you can get a partial view, but you can't see every side of each lemon. 

Sometimes the store is out of my preferred bag of lemons. Then I gather 2-3 singles and fight to open one of those clingy produce bags. Sometimes there's a different bag of lemons. Three pounds rather than two, with a knit mesh kind of side on the bag. I have bought them twice. Not a fan.

My preferred lemons fit the squeezer just right. Cut them in half, pick out the seeds, then squeeze into my red Solo cup, add soda, add ice. These lemons have lots of seeds! One time I counted 28! Yet one time I had a bag with NO SEEDS at all! Anyhoo... I like these lemons. Sometimes I'll use a whole one, sometimes I'll save half in a little container for the next evening.

My most recent lemons are frightening. They're behemoths! Or belemonths!

They don't fit in the squeezer. They must be cut into quarters, and they still don't quite fit without manipulation. They have a reasonable amount of seeds. But I can't roll them to squish out the juice before cutting them. They are too firm to roll under my palm. If I really try to force it, I lose the juice upon first slice. The skin is so thick that I feel like 2/3 of my purchase money goes to that dead weight, and 1/3 to actual juice.

Still, I'd rather have lemon in my Shasta Zero Sugar Cola than not. No matter what kind of lemons life gives me.

Hick Can't Resist the Call of His Gals

Hick was kicked back in his recliner Friday night, after a hot day of working at his SUS2.5, stopping by the post office and bank for me, shooting the bull with his buddies, and taking a dip in POOLIO. He was waiting for me to drag myself around the kitchen with my hurt rumpus, and get out of the way so he could make his own supper. 

It wasn't THAT hard, because he just had to open a storebought container of BBQ pulled pork, put some in a bowl to microwave, then slop it on a couple of hamburger buns. Oh, and get a dill pickle spear from a jar, and some Ruffles chips from the bag. Still, it's something that I usually do for him, but I was EXHAUSTED after making a trip to town and buying the buns. My rumpus was quite unforgiving.

At 6:30, Hick's phone rang. I didn't quite get the gist of it, except Hick kept repeating, "I'll be there Monday."

"Who was that? What are you doing Monday?"

"It's one of the old ladies at the apartments. She says her air conditioner isn't working. I told her we'd have to get somebody to fix it, and I'd be there Monday."

"She could DIE! Old people die all the time in this heat, in brick buildings! It's going to be in the 90s again all weekend."

"She has a fan. She kept saying, 'Well, I guess I'll just sit here and sweat by my fan.' And I thought, well, okay, you do that. I don't know what she wanted me to say. So I kept telling her I'd be there Monday to deal with it."

"I'm not sure that's enough. Doesn't she have people she can stay with? Family?"

"She can go sit in the lobby on that floor. It's air-conditioned. She don't even have to leave the building. I can't work on an air conditioner. I have to call the heating and cooling people."

"I guess that WOULD be hard to get somebody on a Friday night or weekend."

At 7:00, just as I called him into the kitchen as I was trying to sit down at the table with scratchers, Hick's phone rang again. He got up, and said he had to go to town.

"That was a lady at the apartments. She's locked herself out."

"I thought you were going to put a drop box there with a key."

"I AM, but I haven't had time to put it on the wall. So I'll go let her in."

It takes 20 minutes to get to the apartments. 20 minutes back. I was expecting Hick to be home around 7:50. His bedtime is usually around 8:00! Plus, he still needed to make his supper. Time dragged on. I figured maybe he had stopped to pick up fast food. At 8:25, Hick returned. With nothing.

"That was a long time just to unlock a door. I hope the AC Lady didn't see you there!"

"Oh, she did. I gave her another fan that we had there. I told her she should open up her windows and let some air in. It's cool right now. And I said she should go sit in the lobby if she's hot. That's where the Key Lady was waiting for me. She said it was plenty cool. I don't know if she will or not."

"Then another lady came out and started complaining about the little lady who just moved in. Said she has a mouth on her, and won't shut up, and has been knocking on doors, begging people for food."

"That's not your job! They're taking advantage of you!"

"Yeah. I ain't gettin' involved in that stuff. I want to say, 'If you can't get along, then maybe one of you should move somewhere else.' But I DID see that Little Lady getting a roll of toilet paper from one of her neighbors. So she might be a pest, asking for stuff. I don't think she's got nothin'. I might ask the cooks to give her some of those frozen meals they give people for the weekends. So she will at least not go hungry."

"This is the first of the month! And she's already out of money?"

"I don't know. She give me $700 for the rent. I'll see if they know somebody who can help her."

"So you went to town to unlock a door, but you also had two other ladies to deal with?"

"Yeah. I looked back at the old guy's notes, and he was charging them a $100 unlock fee if he had to go open their door. I'm not gonna charge anyone for that, but I need to get my key box done."

For the record, I'm still not keen on Hick having this job...

Still in the Dark, But a Glimmer of Light at the End of the Rumpus Tunnel

Hick came home Thursday afternoon without a light bulb. He forgot. He SAID the menu for the Senior Center was out in his truck. Prompting me to say, "Oh, I'll run right out and get it!" My rumpus declined. Funny how Hick went back out to bring in some soda, and STILL didn't bring in that menu. 

My rumpus was not acting up quite so badly. I'd estimate it was at 90% of the previous day's pain. As long as I stayed bent over, grasping any furniture or wall within reach, I could slowly navigate my hillbilly mansion without the breathtaking shooting pain. The foot numbness was still there, though.

When I lay down for my 20-minute nap, I was able to stay on my left side! That was NOT an option the day before, when the only relief I could find was on my back, with a fist jammed under my left rumpus cheek, and my neck bent sideways. This time, I lasted 10 minutes on my side, and could lie on my back with the rumpus unpropped. I even stretched another 10 minutes out of that position, until Hick came in from POOLIO and made noise taking a shower.

The Universe must have some kind of plan in the works. Hick had actually sent me a text from town, asking if I wanted him to bring anything home. Yes. Four crossword scratchers. Normally, I would get them from two different places. Hick got them all at the Sis-Town Casey's. Numbers 43, 44, 45, 46.

Number 43 - LOSER

Number 44 - LOSER

Number 45 - WON $10

Number 46 - WON $50

Heh, heh! You know that irritated Hick! He so rarely buys a winner, but has been trying since winning $40 a week ago. He has since put that money back into tickets, and it is gone. Now he has brought me a nice profit, while I sit home on a damaged rumpus.

You can keep Val's rumpus out of town, but you can't keep the luck out of Val's rumpus.

Val Is Incapacitated and In the Dark

Once again, Val is missing her errand day. As well as missing a regular scratcher trip to town the previous day. The Universe is SO UNFAIR!

Wednesday started as a normal day. Hick left around 6:15. I drifted off to sleep while sitting on the short couch watching my murder shows. When I got up around 8:45, I could barely walk! It was more like lurching from handhold to handhold, crying with pain. A sharp pain that shot through my left rumpus cheek, down into my left leg, with my left foot kind of tingly like it was falling asleep.

Oh, how it hurt. I could barely make it to the bathroom and then to the kitchen to take my morning meds and wash dishes. I found that by leaning over at the waist, and balancing just right, the pain would ease. If I tried to stand straight, or walk without clinging to stationary objects, that sharp shooting pain would return. It was unbearable.

I was hoping I had just strained a muscle, and it would get better. Like when I sometimes get another mysterious injury, and it goes away in a couple days. I remembered that a couple days ago, I was shifting around on the couch, and felt a sharp pain in that same area. It was fine as long as I didn't try to lift my leg and move like that again.

Of course I consulted Dr. Google. My symptoms pointed to sciatica. My sister had it at Christmas. She got a steroid shot, and eventually recovered. I was hoping that maybe I had indeed just strained a muscle, and that maybe there was swelling that affected my nerve. I knew I couldn't make it to town that day. My major goal was the bathroom and back. I called Hick.

"If you haven't started home yet, could you bring me some crossword tickets? I can't make it to town. I hurt my rumpus sitting on the couch!"

"I'm over in the shed, getting some electric wire. I might go back to town later, but right now I'm going to mow."

"You don't care about my rumpus???"

"Well... I care. You can talk about it if you want to."

"I can't believe you'd rather MOW THE YARD than talk about my rumpus!"

"Go ahead. I'm here."

"No. I don't want to now."

Hick mowed, then got in POOLIO. Never did go back to town. But got stung by a wasp in POOLIO. Still, he wasn't incapacitated like ME.

Oh, and Hick still didn't bring home a menu from the Senior Center. Nor a light bulb for my recessed floodlight over the kitchen counter. He's known about that one for a month, since it started flickering, and went out two weeks later. There's also a fluorescent light out under the cabinets. That one might be going on a year now.

I am starting to think that I am not Hick's #1 priority...

Those Sneaky Snakes at Hick's Living Units for the Elderlies

Hick got a call Sunday evening from one of his residents. This happens frequently, and you never know that you're going to get. This one was NOT something you would like to pick from a box of chocolates. 

"This old lady says she has a snake in her closet!"

"Why are you just sitting there? Aren't you supposed to go get it? Or tell her who to call?"

"Nah, her grandson is there, and he killed it."

"Well, that's good, but it seems like it could be a problem!"

"Yeah, some of the other ladies told her that an old man on the second floor saw two snakes."

"Where are they coming from? I don't think snakes can crawl up the walls. Maybe they could go up pipes. I don't know about stairs."

"Turns out he saw them on the first floor, in the hall right inside the door. So that's how they're getting in. I guess because it's been so hot, they're trying to get cool inside."

"Snakes are cold-blooded. They LIKE to be hot. That's why they lay on rocks and blacktop roads. Remember, it's only been in the 70s for a couple days, and down around the 50s at night. They're probably wanting to get WARM. What kind of snakes?"

"They said copperheads, but I don't know, because I haven't seen them."

"Supposedly copperheads mate for life. So if there's one, there's probably two."

"They said it was baby snakes."

"That's worse! You can't see them! And they have the most potent venom. I saw a bunch on the blacktop trail when I used to walk at the state park. They came right at me, striking at my foot. Good thing they were babies, and couldn't get their mouth open enough to bite my shoe sole."

"I guess I'll call our exterminator. I don't know how else to handle it. Every closet has a drain in it, because that's where the water heater is. I hope they're not going up the drains, but that lady is on the ground floor."

"Yeah, an exterminator should know who would handle it. You have to do SOMETHING!"

It's not something you would expect to happen in town. My grandma lived in the country, and found a giant black snake in her baseboard heater. My uncles pried it out and took it outside. Kind of creepy, but it wasn't a copperhead! We don't kill black snakes, because they're good for eating other pests. 

Nobody wants a surprise snake in the closet. Of any kind!

A Cross-Examination Might Be Necessary

You may have realized that we've gone from July to August. Apparently, Hick has not. I told him on Monday morning that he needs to bring home a new menu from the Senior Center. The last one went to August 1, which was Friday. A day that Hick pooh-poohed his bag lunch he took to his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5), and went to eat lasagna at the Senior Center.

Monday evening, I asked Hick what he had for lunch that day.

"Some kind of taco thing. It wasn't very good."

"Huh. You would have known if you'd brought home a menu on Friday." [They give them out on the last week of the current menu.] Where's the new one?"

"I don't think they have them ready yet."

"I don't want to miss a Reuben! That's why I want to look over the menu for August. In case there's a lunch that I like, so you can bring me one for supper."

"The Reuben is next Friday."

"Will you get one for me?"

"I usually don't go there on Fridays. I take my lunch."

"But you went LAST Friday, for lasagna! And the week before, for Christmas Dinner in July."

"I'll see..."

I sense a double standard here! Hick is willing to go eat at the Senior Center on Fridays when it suits him, but not sure he can tear himself away from his SUS2.5 to eat there and bring home a Reuben for me. 

Also, how did Hick know that Reubens would be next Friday if there was no menu available??? 

The Freebie Magnet Attracts Again

On the way to town Saturday evening, I encountered Hick in SilverRedO at the top of His and Buddy's Badly Blacktopped Hill. There were random boards sticking over the closed tailgate of SilverRedO.

"What's all that?"

"I got it for FREE!"

"Of course you did. I don't have time for that story now."

"Okay. I'm going to unload it."

Hick is never happier than when contributing new FREE stuff to his hoard! Later I got the details.

"It's from a lady at the storage units. She gave away a weight bench on Facebook, and I was teasing her about it."

"So she just has lumber sitting around her storage unit?"

"No. It was at her house. I had to go pick it up."

"You're losing me..."

"She said her husband was cleaning out the garage. He was piling everything out by the road. When she was listing it, I told her, 'Don't let him put the lumber out by the road! I'll come get it!' So she called him to let him know. Then I got it when I left."

"It looked like random boards. And a pallet."

"There was three 2x8s, and three 1x8s, and five or six 2x4s, and four 1x4s. It wasn't a pallet, just some cut-off boards nailed together. That was probably about $165 worth of lumber that I got for FREE. She's the same lady I got the FREE doors from."

Well, you know what they say: One woman's husband's junk is another man's FREE treasure.

Attention to Detail Is Key

I was in town Saturday evening when I got a text from Hick at 5:25...

"I have to go to the Apartments new guy can't get in"

Hick got home about an hour later, waving a set of keys.

"Somehow the key I give him to get in earlier doesn't work now. I don't know if he did something to the key, or something to the lock."

About an hour after that, Hick got another call from the guy. He said he had mixed up his apartment key with the key to his old house.

"Didn't you look at the key when you were trying it?"

"I tried the key he used, and it didn't work. So I gave him another key to the apartment."

"Aren't all the keys marked?"

"Yes."

"Did you LOOK at it?"

"I let him in with my other key, and gave it to him."

"So now he has two keys?"

"Yes. I also have a master key that lets me in all the apartments."

"Aren't they MARKED, though? Didn't you see that it wasn't the right key when you both were trying it?

"Most of them are marked, Val. I must have 500 keys left to me to deal with!"

"So you DIDN'T look!"

"I knew he had a way to get in. The window was open."

"WAIT! You expected him to crawl in a WINDOW?"

"No. It' s on the second floor. But I knew he got in, because there was a window open. So he was inside after I'd give him a key to move in, and opened a window. But then he said his key didn't work when he came back."

"You are so confusing! I didn't know what a window would have to do with anything."

"He probably went back to his other house to get stuff, and laid the key down, and forgot about it, and then tried his old house key when he came back to the apartment."

"Whatever. I'd think you would have at least LOOKED at the key you were trying, to make sure it was the apartment key."

"I tried the key he gave me in the lock, and it didn't work."

"But did you LOOK at it??? To see if it went to that apartment?"

"No. It's the same shape as our keys."

I don't know if the clueless is leading the keyless, or the keyless is leading the clueless. Maybe they should call in the blind for better leadership.

Hick is Apparently On-Call 24/7/365

No rest for the wicked weary! Hick got a call Friday night from a new resident of the senior apartments. He went out on the porch to talk to her. I tell him all the time how his phone doesn't work in the house. Everything he says is garbled, and there's a lag of about five seconds. He refuses to get up and move when I call, but he did for this lady. I guess she was having none of it, unlike Hick's cronies who struggle through with him repeating himself.

"What was that about?"

"The new lady who just moved in. She doesn't have electricity."

"I didn't think electricity was provided."

"It's NOT. I tell them that when they call about renting an apartment. It's in the papers they sign. THEY are responsible for the electric. She said the electric company wants $240 to turn it on."

"That seems like more than the usual deposit. I wonder if she owes them from a previous bill."

"Maybe. She said the lady across from her said she could run an electric cord for her, but I said no, don't do that!"

"Could it start a fire?"

"No. She was gonna use it for the air conditioner, but it won't plug in. That's 220 instead of 110. So it wouldn't work for that anyway."

"At least the weather has cooled off. Supposed to be a low in the 50s tomorrow. Highs in the 70s. You'd think that if her new friend across the hall really wants to help her, she could let her sleep on the couch or something."

"I don't know. But the electricity is HER responsibility, not ours. I can't help that."

Hick can't save the world. No matter how much he likes to help people.

Hick Has Company Being the Caretaker of the World

Hick had a phone call Wednesday evening. He said it was some guy wanting to know if Hick could get him a phone number for his friend.

"He had my name as an emergency contact for the apartments. He said he talks to his friend every day, and hasn't heard from him in two days now."

"So did you give it to him?"

"No. I told him it's in my desk at the apartments, and I'd get it for him in the morning when I go to town."

"Did you tell him to call the police to check on his friend? He could be hurt. How will his phone number help if he can't get him to answer?"

"No. I don't know where the guy lives. He's renting an apartment from me, but he don't move in until next week. His buddy wants the number of his old landlord. It's on my paperwork. He says he's going try and find that landlord."

A couple hours later, Hick got another call. It was the buddy, saying he had gotten ahold of the landlord, and that his friend was okay. That was nice of him to follow through. We were both relieved. The buddy seemed kind of like another Hick, looking out for people.