There's a time zone they don't tell you about in the earth science textbooks.
Of course the U.S. has Eastern Time, Central Time, Mountain Time, Pacific Time, Alaskan Time, and Hawaiian Time. Most of them have the Standard version, and the current Daylight (or Daylight SAVINGS as the old folks say) version. Except Arizona, who dares to be different.
The little-known time zone that has been left out of the books is HICK TIME. We are currently on Hick Daylight Non-Saving Time here at the homestead. Even Backroads does not observe HDNST. Here's how it works...
On Saturday morning, I told Hick that I needed my special locking money bag out of our safe. One of our safes. I had some items I wanted to store in there for safekeeping. Get it? SAFEkeeping in the SAFE! I crack myself up sometimes. Not sure why we have a locking money bag inside a safe. It's either a safe safe, or it isn't. Matters aren't helped by me not knowing the combination to the safe, and the key to the locking money bag being somewhere that Hick knows about and has access to. I might as well just let Hick carry the valuables around in his pocket, I suppose.
Anyhoo...I told Hick on Saturday morning. Of the three-day weekend. "I need to get that bag sometime this weekend and add some stuff to it." Hick agreed. He went by that safe at least 10 times over the weekend. Now it's Wednesday. So I figured my valuables could wait until the next weekend. I'm kind of busy during the week.
Today I was supposed to have jury duty, but the trial was canceled. I met up with my best old ex-teaching teaching buddy Mabel for breakfast that stretched into lunchtime. Don't you worry about Val's pupils. They had a prearranged grandmotherly sub to pass out their work. Since Val had a stockpile of 99 sick/personal leave days, nobody objected to her absence.
I did some banking, made some phone calls, dropped off paperwork to my sister the ex-mayor's wife, and headed back to pick up The Pony from his first Scholar Bowl practice of the year. It ran late. We didn't come up the driveway until almost 5:30. There was Hick, mowing the lawn not with his new used $10,000 tractor with a wide mowing deck, but with the riding mower he had bought from my grandma with $800 that I was planning to spend on a laptop the very next day.
Hick stopped beside the driveway. "I laid out your money bag."
"WHAT? I asked for that on the weekend. This is Wednesday! I have a lot to get done tonight. And Big Brother is on at 7:00. I don't have time for that bag now!"
"Okay. I'll put it back in the safe."
"No. Who knows when you'll get it out again. I'll deal with it."
Hick Daylight Non-Saving Time. You never really know exactly what time it is.
"SAFEkeeping in the SAFE! I crack myself up " does that make you a safe cracker? Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI may be guilty of running on Hick time myself.
Technically, you are correct.
DeleteAdmitting you have a problem is the first step.
At least Hick remembered to do it. 99 sick days? You are a healthy one.
ReplyDeleteBetter late than never. I'll tell him that when I serve supper at 10:00 p.m.
Delete99 sick days will get me a bonus of $20 per day when I retire. Let the record show that pay for a replacement on days that I am sick is $75 or more. Somebody is making a killing off my good health.
My son would say that Chubby Chatterbox time runs backwards.
ReplyDeleteTry using that when the time runs out on your parking meter, and the ticket is being shoved under your windshield wiper!
DeleteHick isn't the only one in that time zone. Seems the ones who are there do all kinds of zzzzoning,
ReplyDeleteVal's misery loves company, so of course Hick's not alone.
DeleteI can't believe how much Hick sounds like my husband!!
ReplyDeleteSeveral other woman have all but flat-out accused me of harboring their own husband.
DeleteWell he got it out for you, didn't he?
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think you're a little hard on p-o-o-r Hick.
Hick, if you're reading this, maybe I'll come by and buy you a red pop.
What if I had waited four days to get out the $10,000 for Hick's new used auction tractor?
DeleteHick is welcome to complain about me to his heart's content on his own blog. Oh, wait. HE DOESN'T HAVE A BLOG! Bwahaha!
You can buy Hick a red pop, but you cannot make him drink it. Unless you want to kill him, of course, because he has diabetes and I'm pretty sure red pop is not good for him.
With Hick around, do you need a safety net?
ReplyDeleteOr since it's Hick we're talkin' about, is it safety NOT?
With Hick around, I must remain ever vigilant to keep him safe. Like not letting hot dogs stay in Frig II for 6 months, tempting him to eat them while I am late coming home from a faculty meeting.
DeleteSo you'd better get the combination or at least location from Hick. You may want to return it next week.
ReplyDeleteIt would be easier to follow him when he decides to take it back, because Hick's directions leave a little to be desired. AND he thinks saying the exact same thing louder means he has explained it in more detail.
Delete