Friday, November 11, 2016

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #34 "No Man Buys the Chicken"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week's fake book might be regarded as kind of corny, but it gives you a glimpse inside a real hen party. You'll cackle, you'll lay an egg, you'll come home to roost at Val's Fake-Book Library.

Loosen the iron grip on your retirement nest egg, and cough up some dough for Val's latest fake book.



No Man Buys the Chicken When He Can Get the Eggs For Free

Missy and Lissa are fed up with country guys who think they're cock-o-the-walk, strutting around like banty roosters, waiting for the women to flock to THEM. So they start their own business in an attempt to net a city dude. The biological clock is ticking. Time to settle down.

The gals book children's parties for divorced or unmarried dads, taking their fine feathered friends along as the entertainment. Kids love the living, breathing versions of their nuggets and fingers. Dads love the Daisy Dukes and halter tops on the chicken-tenders.

Will Missy and Lissa make a love connection this summer? Or will a jealous ex show them the pecking order when their antics get stuck in her craw? (118 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Foghorn Leghorn…"Those are, ah say, those are some FINE looking birds on that book cover. Can't say the same for the author. Have you SEEN her driver's license? She makes Miss Prissy look like a supermodel. The only part of this book I can recommend is the cover."

Miss Prissy…"I was SSSSO looking forward to a little romance. Um...the fake book, I mean. However, I was sadly disappointed with the lack of talent shown by this writer, Val Thevictorian. If she ever achieves commercial success, I'll eat my bonnet!” 

Egghead, Jr…"I'm kind of young for a book with a theme like this, but I snuck it out of Mom's nest when she wasn't looking. That big ol' rooster said it would make a man of me. I don't want to be a man! I'm a chicken. I didn't think the cover was a work of art, either. I fake-read this fake book, and I must say I found the reading level quite beneath me. It's as if the author had no formal training whatsoever.”

The New York Times…"Which came first, Thevictorian or bad fake-writing?” 

Goodreads…"From the sentiment evidenced here, Thevictorian's fake work is more suited to a site called Badreads."

Val Thevictorian's Agent and Publisher…"Sorry, world. We gave it our all, but we were unable to make chicken salad out of chicken sh!t. One of which Thevictorian is full of."

Kirkus Reviews..."This fake book is nothing to crow about. Please do not egg Val Thevictorian on. Just egg her. With a quickness."

Chicken Little…"I never thought I would rejoice that the sky is falling. The rainbow at the end of the tunnel is that once the world is crushed, nobody else will be subjected to Thevictorian's catastrophic effort of a fake book."

The Gas Station Chicken Store…"We truly do not know what to say. We have posted a picture (look away, she's hideous) of Val Thevictorian on the cash register. She is barred from buying Diet Coke (the elixir that fueled this folly), and our fried chicken, (which is a fate she should be subjected to). We will still permit her to purchase scratch-off lottery tickets, because if she hits the big one, perhaps she will stop churning out these atrocious fake books."

The "Eat Mor Chikin" Cows..."Fergit bout eatin mor chikin. EAT THEVICTORIAN! As much uh her as you can cram in. If ya can indur the bittr tase. We don no much bout ritin, but we no wen a fak book sux."

11 comments:

  1. Val--As usual, you've gone above and beyond when it comes to puns and levity.

    (And no, don't eat the cute dog before next week arrives...)

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    1. I don't see how I can fake-write a new fake book next week. Nothing that comes out of my sarcastic fingers could ever do justice to something that sweet.

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  2. Well lots of people have been trying to get me to turn my frown upside down, but your "agent and publisher" remarks did it. I sure needed to laugh this hard. You made me cackle.

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    1. Ain't no party like a cacklin' hen party cause a cacklin' hen party don't end!

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  3. I am fake excited over this fake book!

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    1. Probably the only thing that could make you happier would be to find some of your real crumb cake snacks that Mrs. C didn't really eat.

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  4. I thought I was excited over this fake book, but it turns out I was faking it.

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    1. As I used to tell my boys when we entered a car dealership to trade autos..."Just because it's the truth doesn't mean we have to say it out loud."

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  5. I think Missy and Lissa find love but end up wanting the same man!! I bet there is a big hen fight over that rooster!

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    1. One thing's for sure. The feathers are gonna fly!

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