Saturday, November 26, 2016

And Now, the True Shocking Story of Thevictorian Thanksgiving

Once we got The Pony home safe and sound from his car crash, Thevictorian family Thanksgiving could commence. The Pony and Hick arrived around 7:30 on Thanksgiving Eve. They'd had time for a two-hour chat in Hick's car, so The Pony was Val's for the evening.

There was nothing shocking that night. We picked up like old times, watching DVRs of Cutthroat Kitchen in the dark basement. The Pony was proud that I had solved The Mystery of the SNICKING Soda Tab Sound. He chatted about his collegiate escapades. Which, as you might imagine, were pretty tame, him being The Pony.

Thursday after the feast, Hick busied himself (unasked-for and unwanted-by Val, and futilely) as a dishwasher in the kitchen. The commercial Maytag guy sitting on the kitchen floor licking each place setting would have gotten them cleaner. But I guess it's the thought that counts. Even if it means you have to wash everything again later when you find the feast morsels cemented to the silverware and dishes.

In the living room, things got lively. Genius picked up the shock collar that we bought to fry the living daylights out of train Jack not to run across the road and chase the neighbor's horses, and not to chase our chickens that are left (5), and not to chase the cat he doesn't like because unlike the male cats, she won't let him hump her.

"Huh. What's THIS?"

"Oh, that's Jack's shock collar. I haven't read the instruction book yet. Here it is."

"I don't need that."

Genius fiddled with the remote control.

"It's for dogs 8-20 pounds. We think he weighs around 12. What do you think I should start with? I'm going to tell him "NO!" and then hit the buzzer and then shock him."

"I don't know. Let's see how strong it is."

Genius put the electrodes (or whatever you call those two pointy things on the collar) on his forearm.

"Don't do that!"

"Why? It's not going to hurt me."

"I guess you DO weigh more than 20 pounds. But you don't have fur!"

"Hush up, woman!"

Genius fiddled with the controls and shocked himself.

"I can hardly feel that! That was on 1. Let's try 2."

He continued shocking himself at sequential settings. Up to 5.

"I wouldn't recommend trying that above 5. It's uncomfortable."

Of course The Pony wanted to try it.

"Meh. It's not THAT bad on 5. Let's try 6. Huh. Hot pleasant."

Then Genius had to get it back and try 6.

"That smarts. Let's see about 7. Not good."

The Pony demanded another round.

"Seven smarts. I'm trying 8! Yeah. That hurt."

You know what happened next. Genius HAD to shock himself on 8. No way was his little brother going to out-electrocute him!

"Uh. Yeah. You don't want to put it on 8!"

"I don't plan to put it on anything for myself! I'm not shocking myself. How about Jack? What do you think I should start on? Remember, he has that thick fur."

"Yeah. But he also weighs 12 pounds. Here, Mom. You try it."

"NO! I don't want to get shocked!"

"It's nothing! You won't even feel it!"

"Don't you put it on anything besides 1! I don't trust you!"

"I won't! It's on 1. Here. Give me your arm."

Genius shocked me, and it was NOT pleasant.

"Whoa! I'm not doing THAT again!"

"It was nothing! Here! You try it!"

Genius held the collar out to his friend, who had been laughing his head off at Thevictorian shocking party

"No. I'm good. NO! Get that thing away from me. No! I don't want to! No! Oh, all right. Yow! No! I'm not doing it again!"

Genius got to fiddling with the controller again. I had told him it had 16 settings, but he swore it only had 8. And we had gone through all 8. And then...

"Oh! It looks like there are two sets of settings. Once you go through 1-8, it starts over on another level at 1 again. We were in the second level."

"So you mean that when you shocked me with the 1, it was really the 9? How could you do that to your own mom?"

"It didn't hurt and you know it! You're not a little dog! For him, I'd try it first on 4. On the first level."

I never have to worry about Genius finding a job. In case the whole computer engineer thing falls through, he can apply at prisons in states with the death penalty. There's nothing like a man who loves his job.


  1. Those shock things hurt a lot...don't ask how I know.

    It is a fact, that like a dog can hear high pitched sounds that people can not, women see food specks on dishes that men can not see.

    1. Some men cannot see whole meals left on plates that they've "washed"!!

    2. But men can see part of a boob on center stage during a Super Bowl halftime show! And insist on not missing the halftime show for years afterward.

      If those shock things hurt enough, Mrs. C's snacks would be safe under a towel on the kitchen counter.

  2. Joe H--It is also a fact that men can ignore pee droplets on the floor and a whisker-covered sink that women cannot ignore.

    Val--Does the collar have a "vibration" setting? Radar's shock collar had that, and it was enough for him. He never needed to be shocked, and he's plenty stubborn.

    1. cannot ignore snacks that you have saved for yourself, even though they are completely out of sight, and the men might have to climb step-stools or lift towels to find them.

      I'm pretty sure that collar DOES have a vibration setting. Funny how that's not what Genius wanted to try out on my arm...

      Now that we have the collar, Jack has been staying on our side of the road during my walk. So I highly recommend buying a shock collar, since dogs will know you have one laying on the end table, and straighten up so you don't have to try it out.

  3. Sounds like a fun party Val - I might get Miss Mac and SD one of those each for Christmas - I'll do the cooking and cleaning (can't trust either of them to do it right) and they can have a fun afternoon shocking each other.

  4. Sounds like your holiday provided a shocking good time.

  5. I think Sarah has a great idea. Give your two boys each a collar for great holiday fun, and install one (permanently) under Hick's skin to provide fun for YOU. (They make them big enough to fit around his neck, don't they?)

    1. Under his skin? Won't that eventually be detrimental to the wood chipper? I'm only renting it, I don't want to BUY it!

  6. Well I'm simply SHOCKED at those boys' behavior. Ouch!

    1. Not as shocked as THEY were! I knew you'd get a charge out of that.

  7. We tried one of those invisible fences with our St. Bernard and even on the lowest level it scared her so bad she was afraid to go outside at all. I must admit than none of my children volunteered to don the collar and go outside to see how it worked.

    1. Well, YOUR children appear to have common sense! So we can let the record show that Hick's family tree did not sent out roots in their direction.