Friday, November 25, 2016

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #36 "Make Her Day"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Are you ready for some action? THAT got your attention, didn't it? Sorry, I don't mean a romantic physical interlude. Are you ready for a fake story with dangerous doings by the heroine? Not to be confused with doing heroin, of course. This week Val has a fake book that will keep you on the edge of your seat. IF you put an overstuffed pillow behind your back. Don't be a stinker! Fake-buy Val's fake book today!

Go Ahead, Make Her Day

Sal Thethicktorian works on commission. The more bottles of over-priced perfume she sells, the more her bank account expands. Don't even walk by the fragrance counter if you don't plan to fund Sal's firearms fund. This whole salesclerk gig is not only a means for Sal to buy her play-pretties, it's also a cover for Sal's REAL line of work. BO Assassin.

By day, Sal squirts unsuspecting customers with scents. By later-in-the-day, Sal travels the city, a mercenary stink-alleviator. Sal's means do not always justify by her ends. Sal's ends are permanent. She ain't shootin' scent, and she ain't shootin' blanks. Sal sends those stinkers to high heaven. Or the other direction. You have to know someone to hire Sal.

Which high-profile client is in the market for Sal's services? And who do they want sniffed out? (137 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Limburger..."This spoiled author has curdled my taste for fake books. Her cheesy effort has spread thin my tolerance for future fake works churned out by Val Thevictorian."

Dog Poop…"This fake book is a steaming pile that somebody needs to clean up. I can't believe the publisher didn't relieve themselves of this piece of crap rather than let it hit the fake-book stores."

Durian…"Like me, this fake book should never be opened in a poorly-ventilated, densely populated area. Somebody could be trampled in an effort to escape the stench that is Val Thevictorian's fake writing.”

That Valet Parking Attendant From Seinfeld..."Not even a BUM would accept THIS fake book for FREE! Good luck getting rid of it. You'd have a better chance donating a toilet book to Rebecca DeMornay's homeless shelter."

Rotten Potato…"The eyes have it. Thevictorian's premise is half-baked at best. This fake book made me wish I was loaded. This author deserves to be sliced on a spiral, a stick inserted through her middle, and deep fried in oil.”

Tomato Juice…"There IS no remedy for the odor this author's fake book leaves behind.”

That Sniffer Who Tests Armpits For Deodorant Companies..."You couldn't pay me enough to read this stinker! I tried, but my gag reflex was working overtime, and I don't get paid for overtime."

The Flatulence of a Teenage Boy After Eating a Crave Case of White Castles..."What died inside Thevictorian for THIS fake work to come out of her? I only read two pages, because my teacher assigned it, but I had to quit because I thought I might puke. This fake book cleared out my classroom faster than a fire drill during the first week of classes."

Denmark…"Something is rotten in the state of Thevictorian's gray matter! I don't know whose butt the author's head was up to get this fake book published, but it smells like they had been sitting on it during an 18-hour trip across the southern United States in an unconditioned auto with vinyl seats. During late July."

Junior High Gym Locker..."I don't mean to brag, but Thevictorian's book could use ME as an air-freshener. This fake book reeks."

Odor Eaters..."We'd like to give this author a swift kick in the pants. Her malodorous fake work is a literary miasma. Even WE can't alleviate the rancidity that emanates from this fake tome."


  1. They say it's not the crime, it's the cover-up. Pretty sure someone said that.

    1. I guess that means they are pretty crappy with the cover-up. Or else why would there be a saying about it?

      If they couldn't even cover up crimes back in the day, with no cell phone triangulation or DNA evidence or constant surveillance cameras tracking from nearby and SPACE...there's really not much hope for criminal success these days.

      Not that I'm planning a caper or anything...

  2. This stinker of a story proves something is rotten in the state of Sal Thethicktorian.

    1. So you'll only be having the reviewer's copy, I suppose, and not fake-purchasing the real fake deal for Christmas gifts...

  3. Val--Was this stinky story inspired by your teaching days? Was it inspired by some of your more smelly students?

    1. No, just by the picture. I didn't have a lot of stinkers, only a few farters.

  4. Replies
    1. Thanks. I need you as a fake-reviewer of my fake books!

  5. Was her motto "You pay--I'll spray"?

    1. It is NOW! That'll look great on her business cards that self-destruct.