Friday, March 11, 2016

Back-of-the-Book Blurb Friday #5

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to entice you to buy my fake book. You know you want it! This week's fake title is artsy-fartsy. A fake book of fake poetry! You'll look all high-brow and such if you leave this on your coffee table. Right next to your fake book of road peen art, perhaps. And for every fake book you fake buy, Val will fake donate a fake dollar to The Audubon Society. Can't beat that with a stick!

Let the rhyming begin!

"The Ravin',"
 and Other Poems Concerning Disgruntled Sports Fans

Once upon a lunchtime boring, eating foods that were deploring
Sal Thethicktorian had a craving for a delicacy available no more.
As she plodded, nearly tripping, suddenly she spied a clipping
Advertising some new flipping poultry dish she might adore.
"Might be chicken-like," she muttered, skipping, to check out her favorite store
A Diet Coke, awaiting pour.

Ah distinctly Sal remembers, it was in the hot September
And the Cardinals were about to usher pennant hopes right out the door.
Lowlights on a moving billboard, reminding fans that they had not scored
In 270 innings struck a deep chord, a chord that had not chimed before.
Such a losing season Cardinal Nation did abhor.
The last straw and nothing more…

Would Sal notice that her new gas station treat had decidedly larger pieces than her favored chicken? Or that some chunks were not recognizable as leg, breast, wing, or thigh? (150 words)

Fake Reviews For Val’s Fake Book

Mike Matheny…”Hated it!”

Lady Owner, Gas Station Chicken Store…”This book borders on slander. I shall see to it that you are never allowed to sink your teeth into another breast in my establishment! To insinuate that we are deep-frying 'baseball players' (and I use that term loosely) is a chicken-sh*t thing to do. I’ve a good mind to get a restraining order against you!”

Casey, at the bat…”There is no joy in this book.”

Yogi Berra…”When you come to this book in the road, don’t take it. It’s over before it’s over.”

Rockford Peaches manager Jimmy Dugan…”There’s no crying in baseball, unless you’re forced to read this book.”

Maya Angelou, spinning at 23,000 revolutions per second in her grave..."Make it stop!"

Edgar Allan Poe..."Let the record show that I would like to change my last words to: This book sucks! What was Val doing when she wrote this cask of bullcrapado, hitting the bottle, or smoking opium?"


  1. Diet coke and gas station raven?

    1. Or Diet Coke and gas station dismembered Cardinals?

      I like to choose from a varied menu.

  2. Mysterious chicken parts? I'd shop there nevermore!!!

    1. Well then. You'll have to pick up your cask of amontillado somewhere else.

  3. Val--With the rhyme and the Poe references, I will never more try to even try to compete...

    Wonderful blurb.

    1. Silly Madam! It's not a competition! I must say, this was most enjoyable to write. The critics, however, did not even give me mixed reviews...

  4. While fake reading your book "The Ravin'"
    I also suddenly felt a cravin'
    And I said to myself this book's a winner.
    As the plot began to thicken
    I felt the need for some fried chicken
    So I put the fake book down & went to dinner!!

    1. I'll bet you're glad I didn't title it: "The Turducken."

    2. Heh, heh! For the 13-Year-Old Self Club!

  5. What a mix of images and clever take on the picture--which I am still brain dead on! I may have to just start on next week's!

    1. I never have time to write these until the last minute. Thursday nights, I try to pick a theme. The first thing I saw when I looked at the picture was a cardinal. right here in the backyard of the Cardinals, I thought baseball, and then with no story forthcoming, I went to my go-to style, and wondered what would happen if I plagiarized "The Raven" just a little bit. Okay. A lot.

      My mom was a loyal Cardinals fan, but did not care for Mike Matheny. My grandma used to turn off the TV when the Cardinals fell behind. She did not suffer losers gladly.

  6. Your fake reviews were hilarious, however, I thought your poem was quite good forevermore. And fishducky needs to start playing this game!

    1. Sometimes I like the fake reviews better than the fake book. Thank you for enjoying "my" poem. Yes, fishducky should toss her hat in the ring!