I'm not sure why I don't simply chuck this teaching and quasi-writing gig, and hang out my shingle: Mrs. Thevictorian, Medical Diagnoses Without a Degree.
For the second day in a row, a student consulted me concerning a medical issue. Oh, it wasn't about a six-day scab flaunted in order to scam a Scooby Doo band-aid. It wasn't about a headache that needed immediate pill-popperage. It wasn't even about a mysterious hivey splotch on the thigh, in spite of not going outside, or letting one's dog out. A mystery that was suddenly solved as Itchy walked away, and I tried to swat a mysterious gnat on my desk. A gnat that jumped like the celebrated Calaverous County frog, but with a hard-shelled exterior.
This inquisitive patient had a knot on the side of her neck, just behind where a Frankenstein bolt might be located. A knot that was mushy, like a ball of Silly Putty, but no good for copying the comics.
"Do your know what this is? My teacher told me it's my thyroid."
"Oh. I don't think so. Your thyroid is in the front of your neck. See? Where my scar is? That's where they took out my thyroid."
"Huh. Then what is my knot?"
"Maybe it's a lymph node. Do you have an infection? Are you running a fever?"
"Well, my sinuses have been giving me trouble because of the pollen. And the side of my face hurts, and my jaw."
"You might want to have that checked out by a doctor if it doesn't go away in a few days."
Kind of disturbing that her teacher in the CNA program thinks the thyroid lies on the side of the neck, just below and behind the earlobe.
I was momentarily reminded of Angelina Jolie as Lisa in Girl, Interrupted. The scene (replete with multiple F-words) where she threatens to jab a pen into her aorta. A pen which she has pointed at her neck. And Whoopi Goldberg as Val tells her that her aorta is in her chest. So Angelina Jolie as Lisa says, "Good to know."
People need to get more in touch with their bodies. The thyroid is our neighbor near the Adam's Apple. The one who hugs the trachea.
Oh, I can see the headlines now. "Teacher Val the Victorian Plays Doctor With Student."
ReplyDeleteGood to kmow.
ReplyDeleteI can see the headlines, too. Teacher Val the Victorian takes a hands on approach, tells kids to get in TOUCH with their bodies.
ReplyDeleteMost of us are ignorant about how our bodies work and we'd all benefit from more knowledge.
ReplyDeleteSioux,
ReplyDeleteNot even the Backroads Hometown Gazette would touch that story with a 10-foot pole.
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joeh,
I hope you used the theatrical inflections of Ms. Jolie in that classic bit of dialogue. She won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for that performance, you know. Leading one wag to title an article about the supposed chagrin of Winona Ryder, who saw this as her own personal star vehicle, "Oscar, Intercepted."
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Linda,
Yikes! Even Val, the Mayor of Inappropriateville, cringes at that example of irresponsible journalism.
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Stephen,
Well, what we all need are more "I Am Joe's (insert organ here)" articles from Readers Digest.
*Disclamer: this in no way refers to Joe H. or any of his organs.