New Disease Sweeps Backroads
A new disease is on the rise in Backroads. There is no official blood test yet, but doctors report an influx of school-age children in the clinics, their parents seeking a concrete diagnosis. A battery of symptoms sets this new bug apart from previous seasonal illnesses. Symptoms seem to ebb and flow, come and go with the days of the week. Saturdays and Sundays, the patient seems to have recovered. But on Monday, they relapse with full force. Indeed, Monday through Friday is the time patients report the height of symptoms.
Symptoms include:
* general malaise - patient exhibits a lack of interest in everyday classroom activities
* weakness in the neck area - inability to hold head up
* memory loss - patient can't remember rules, assignments, bell schedule, or common manners
* delirium - patient prattles on and on about topics not related to current lesson
* extreme thirst - patient requests a trip to the drinking fountain every five minutes
* extreme incontinence - patient requests a trip to the bathroom every five minutes
There is no known cure for this new disease, which school personnel have termed "Idontwantodoititis." Doctors have suggested a five-day course of Swift Kick in the Butt to alleviate symptoms.
A dreadful disease but I doubt it's fatal, except for the teachers.
ReplyDeleteThese are the same symptoms I've been complaining about lately. Do you think I caught it from one of my students?
ReplyDeleteSwift Kick is also a known remedy for a bad case of a lot of things. Senioritis, Dufusslacker, and Neighbor's Dogpooping.
ReplyDeleteThis illness may be closely related to holidaybreakanomasis which affects huge numbers of humans throughout the months of November and December. Alas, there is no cure!
ReplyDeleteStephen,
ReplyDeleteThanks. Good to know that my days are numbered. Couldn't you just have offered me a trip to Disneyland?
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Sioux,
I don't know. Did one of them bite you? Did you bite a student? I don't know the etiology of this disease yet. Whether it's airborne, transmitted through physical contact, or by body fluids. You might be an interesting case study. But first...let's go to Disneyland.
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Leenie,
Indeed, it's a miracle drug. Like a Z-pack. Unfortunately, or fortunately, it is a controlled substance. We cannot administer it at school. I've heard that the side effects include respect, straightening up, and flying right.
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Lisa,
Well, the good news is, it's seasonal. And somebody can make a buttload of money if they find a cure. Of course, nobody will be in the lab working on finding the cure during the months of November and December.
Oh just wait until the first day back in January...lethargy is the only thing raising its head.
ReplyDeleteLinda,
ReplyDeleteSometimes, they show up just to complain. There's no happy medium. It's either heads unraised, or ruckus through the roof. That's why I'm a chameleon. I adapt. Maybe I'll change my name to Val Thechameleon.