Well. I finished yesterday's tale with a thinly-veiled threat to withdraw my fortune from the bank and bury it in a sock in my back yard.
Judging from the comments, I am not the only citizen of the blogosphere to entertain such thoughts. The Chubby Chatterbox himself jumped on the back-yard-banking bandwagon. Though he was careful not to snag his brown corduroy suit. I have a large back yard, and an even larger heart, ice-cold as it may be. So I have decided to open the First Back-Yard Bank of Backroads. As a service, you know. For all of my well-heeled bloggy friends.
As with any financial institution, the First Back-Yard Bank of Backroads must have rules and regulations. Here is a smattering of those I just thought up on the spot. They are subject to change. This list is not meant to be all-inclusive or exhaustive. Exhausting, maybe.
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Bylaws of the First Back-Yard Bank of Backroads
* Accounts are for savings only. We have not yet purchased a printer to make checks.
* The FDIC does not insure money invested in socks. The First Back-Yard Bank of Backroads has its own FDIC. That stands for Future Dollars In Clothing. Your money will be right there in your sock when you dig it up at a later date.
* No nylons or silk.
* While you may dig other people's socks, you most certainly are not allowed to dig other people's socks. That means you, Hippies!
* Not responsible for damage due to bored dogs.
* There are no lobby or drive-thru hours. We operate 24/7/365. However, funds may be unavailable during periods of heavy rain, snowpack, or tornado warnings.
* Interest is zero percent, compounded daily.
* Robbers take note: this is a BYOS facility. Bring Your Own Shovel.
* Two types of accounts are available: Regular and Deluxe.
* Regular accounts have no limit on deposits or withdrawals, but require patrons to bring their own shovel. Don't get any robbery ideas, cheapskates!
* Deluxe accounts have a service fee of two dollars per month, and are limited to one deposit and one withdrawal per week. Our workers are women and children. We do not need ropey muscle to repel future suitors, nor threaten our peers.
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As an incentive to open an account with the First Back-Yard Bank of Backroads, we are offering a free sock with each account. They come in the following styles:
#1. white, knee-length, tube sock with two purple stripes at top
#2. black, crew-length dress sock
#3. pink or teal terrycloth ankle sock with pom pom at heel
#4. heather gray, crew-length, wool hunter's sock
#5. white, knee-high, compression hosiery suitable for surgery and/or plane rides
#6. white, cotton, seamless, nonbinding, crew length diabetic socks
#7. striped red, green, blue, and yellow knee-high toe-socks
#8. red, grippy-bottom, terrycloth ankle socks
#9. pastel yellow, handknit baby bootie
#10. white, moisture-wicking, odor-eating, quarter-length athletic sock
#11. argyle
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Put yourself in your money's shoes!
Call 1-555-SAVE MEE to open your account today.
Ask for Val.
Love this post! You should unleash your sense of whimsy more often. By the way, I've heard that if you bury a penny in the ground and dig it up a hundred years later it will have doubled in value. That's close to the interest rate I'm currently getting.
ReplyDeleteSome of those sock choices are listed as singular and not plural. Does that mean they are the only remaining one from a set--a sock without a match?
ReplyDeleteIf so, that means they are USED socks.If we choose a sock and find any toe jam, do we get to keep it?
Ha ha, I am almost tempted to invest in this sock it to me bank idea.
ReplyDeleteStephen,
ReplyDeleteUnleashing is something that you do not want to encourage Val to do.
I've heard that if you bury a horsehair under a rock in the creek, and dig it up a week later, it will have turned into a horsehair snake. That, too, is close to the interest rate I'm currently getting.
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Sioux,
Such a forensic expert you are! You seized upon the sock scam forthwith. Get over it! It's not like I'm a supreme cheapskate, handing you used dental floss that I've hung up to dry. It's a sock! Not even for your foot. Toe jam remains the property of the financial institution. We are not made of money, you know.
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Linda,
You probably have your own used socks stockpiled for future transformation into learning toys. The hand that stocks the preschool rules the world.
I live a long way from Backroads but if I was there I'd choose #7. Love stripy socks and the toe slots would be perfect for sorting coins.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should establish your bank in that place where there is a rumored pirate treasure. All your customers could dig the holes and you could claim the booty, sort of like in the movie, "Holes".
Leenie,
ReplyDeleteI totally missed the marketing appeal of coin-sorting toe slots!
I'll have to weigh the pros and cons of that Holes connection. I sure don't want to get on Sigourney Weaver's bad side.