Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #89 "Do You Smell What I Smell"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Ladle yourself an eggnog, brew up a hot toddy, break out the peppermint schnapps, and pop the cork on that jug of moonshine you've been saving for a special occasion. It doesn't get more special than the release of Val's latest holiday-edition fake book. Put it on your list, and check it twice. You'd be naughty not to buy Val's new fake book. Twice.

"Do You Smell What I Smell?"

Sal Thethicktorian is sorely disappointed that her Great-Aunt Effie won the sniffing competition at her sister-the-former-governor's-wife's Christmas party last year. Many items were sniffed that day, from holly to frankincense to a snowman's balls to a reindeer's butt. But Effie identified them all in record time, including the major stumper: an overgrown elf's armpit.

Finishing only seconds behind Effie, Sal has vowed to wrest that title from Effie's liver-spotted hands, and rip the championship belt out from under her waist-boobs. She's been practicing for months to identify the most obscure scents she can find. Will Sal emerge victorious this year? Or will (that effing) Effie repeat as champ? (108 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Will Farrell as Elf..."Does somebody need a hug? YES! Everyone who reads this fake book! It's terrible! I'd rather eat gum off a subway railing, or have my spaghetti without maple syrup, than read this rotten book! This Thevictorian lady needs to be on Santa's Naughty List."

Mr. Grinch..."I wouldn't touch this fake book with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole! I wouldn't give it to a seasick crocodile. The three words that best describe Thevictorian's writing are: stink, stank, stunk."

Little Town of Bethlehem..."See how still I lie? There's a reason for that. I don't want Thevictorian coming here on her fake book tour. At least the dreamless sleep without having nightmares after fake-reading her fake book."

Sal's Sister-the-Former-Governor's-Wife..."This fake book is not based on truth! It's all a fabrication by Sal. I throw tasteful parties with top-notch games and coveted prizes. Nothing about me is substandard like Sal's fake writing. Sal once parked her Yukon in our driveway and ran over a bone and got a flat tire. Yuck-On was so dirty that I was embarrassed for the BONE! Just like I'm embarrassed for people who are mistakenly given a gift of Sal's fake book for Christmas."

Irish Spring..."I'm a deodorant soap made to handle a man's sweat. But even I'm not strong enough to stop the stench that emanates from Val Thevictorian's fake writing."

Irish Spring Commercial Actress..."Irish Spring is manly, yes...but I like it too. Unlike Thevictorian's writing, which is liked by nobody, man nor beast, and especially not by a woman with a discerning literary palate."

Dixie Cup..."I am being held here against my will! I don't know which is worse, my rim touching the armpit, or my base touching Effie's nose. And to top it all off, I hear that I'm disposable! Please, please, please...whatever you do, don't drop me in the wastebasket on top of one of Thevictorian's books. On top of a magazine, next to an eclair in a doily, would be nice."

B.O. emanating from armpit..."Look away, look away, look away, Dixie Cup! You must have pulled the short straw this time, because your relatives are busy serving up Jello shots. Thevictorian's relatives are probably contemplating serving up shots to her. Shots of elephant tranqulizer, to immobilize her so she can't write any more fake books."

Underwear Tester..."I see a future for Great-Aunt Effie as a deodorant tester. At least she'll only have to smell the ARMPITS of the testees! As for Thevictorian, I see nothing but garbage in her future. Her writing skill stinks."