The Mask of a Man's Fiasco

There I was, admitting to my doctor nurse practitioner that I'd opened up my mask while in the exam room alone. Seriously! Did you expect Val to be like one of those freaks who wears a mask alone in their car while driving? No offense to any of you freaks who might be reading this, of course...

He sat down on his rolly stool, and said, "No you didn't!"

I let him believe that. So he can sleep at night. I noticed that HIS mask was like mine, only green instead of blue. What gives? Did he have a SPECIAL mask, while mine was made by 4-year-old Chinese children, and imported at a price so outrageous that my state is suing China? Before I had a chance to ask, he said

"These aren't bad. Upstairs, I have to wear the N95 mask. I had an elderly couple there yesterday who stayed longer than I expected. They had a lot of questions. I had to stop TWICE, and say, 'Give me a minute,' and [here he inhaled and exhaled loudly a couple times]. It's really hard to get a breath in those masks."

"My husband said that at his factory, nobody could wear them unless they passed a physical that their lungs were okay. And that there were limits on how many hours they could wear the N95s. From OSHA."

"Oh, they tested all of us first. Then they said 'Here. These are just as good.' And gave us these green ones!" He raised his eyebrows. "Wait. There are limits to how long you can wear them?"

"Yeah, supposedly. I don't even like these paper ones. This is the first time I've worn one."

"I don't wear one when I go shopping. I know enough that if I hear someone coughing, I'll go to the next aisle. And if something feels off, I take another route."

"I know not to touch my face. I spent 28 years teaching. It only took a few years to get that."

"Oh, yeah! And you've been exposed to everything already, too."

"Yeah."

"As long as you keep your distance, and don't touch above your shoulders, it's fine."

"I didn't really want to be here today, just for prescriptions."

"This is the safest place you can be! It's the non-infection floor. If' you'd had a temperature, they would have whisked you up to the third floor and put you in a room!"

Again. Not making me feel any more comfortable about that 'whisking' thing. But here's the worst part of the whole doctor nurse practitioner trip! He listened to my lungs, then said,

"How about we skip the bloodwork today, and wait until November for that?"

"Um. Okay. Sure."

I HAD BEEN FASTING SINCE THE NIGHT BEFORE, AND IT WAS NOW 2:00 p.m.!

Oh, well. The clinic lab is on the third floor. I guess it's just as well.