Hick the Secret Heavy Drinker: Episode 5 of "This Is the Time of Day When We Talk About the Most Recent Things You've Done Wrong."

You think you know somebody...

I went to Country Mart on Tuesday. They had a sign on the door that they'd be closed for inventory on Wednesday. Hick says that's what they SAY, but he knows from teenage experience working in a gas station that a new owner has to close a business for at least 24 hours, or he's responsible for paying all the taxes. Of course I don't know anything about that stuff. So Hick might have made that up on the spot.

Anyhoo... I was not surprised to see a sale on the soda aisle. They had six-packs of bottled Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Coke at 3 for $9.00. That's not cheap compared to Walmart's $2.50 apiece, but it saved the gas to Walmart, and the annoyance of traipsing through that one-way maze.

I bought 3 six-packs of Diet Mountain Dew, and 3 six-packs of Diet Coke. When I got home with the groceries, that little weirdo kid threw me off my game. I had told The Pony he could leave the soda until the next day. Of course Hick went to bed at the crack of dusk. 9:20 p.m., to be exact. So I didn't have a chance to tell him about the soda. I didn't even go up for supper, because I'd brought him a deli meal from Country Mart.

Imagine my surprise when I got a text at 10:30 a.m. saying:

"Got soda and water didn't get diet coke saw one on table"

"Okay. I have 3 of each in the back of the car."

It would have been nice if Hick had TOLD me he was going to Walmart! Of course there were other things he could have picked up. Which brings us to 

Episode 5 of "This Is the Time of Day When We Talk About the Most Recent Things You've Done Wrong."

No, it's not even about going to Walmart without telling me! When Hick came in from mowing the front yard/field, I asked about the text, and he handed me the receipt. According to him at that time:

"I was out of soda, so I went to get some. You was asleep when I left. I didn't know you got some."

"You were asleep last night when I hollered up to tell you at 9:20!"

THEN I looked at that receipt, once I got down to my lair. I'd already written the total in the checkbook, and would have thrown the receipt away, except I had written Hick's Sunday profits from his Storage Unit Store on it, to update yesterday's tale.

Again, not a big deal. I threw away the receipt once I added Hick's profits to yesterday's comments.

THEN, after I'd made supper for Hick and The Pony, I was sitting on the short couch while they ate, Hick in the La-Z-Boy with chicken tacos, The Pony at the coffee table with lemon pepper chicken and baked potato. The Pony set it off, just making conversation after I'd asked him if he wanted me to get him some Sprite at the store. He did not.

"Dad, I can't believe you bought all that soda! Mom has some out in the car."

"No she don't. I carried it in."

"Yeah. Now you have 9 six-packs!"

"No I don't! I only bought 4."

"Uh. No. You bought 6."

"Yeah, Dad. There's way more than 4 on your chair in the kitchen."

"Because I brought in the soda from the car."

"I saw it on your receipt! You bought 6."

"No. I bought 4. I bought 6 strawberry waters."

"I saw the waters. But you also bought 6 Diet Mountain Dews!"

"Well, if I did, that was just a mistake, because I went through the self-checkout. I might have SCANNED 6, but I only GOT 4."

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE! That means you PAID for two extra that you didn't get!"

"Well, I might have done that. But I'm pretty sure there's only 4 on the receipt."

"I still have it in the trash down in my office. I'm going to dig it out!"

Okay. I did. And I was as wrong as Hick. He only paid for 5, when he got 4. But STILL...

This was definitely the Time of Day When We Talked About the Most Recent Things Hick Did Wrong.

Shhh...we're not telling Hick that I spent an extra $3.00 over Walmart's price, getting those Diet Mountain Dews and Diet Cokes at Country Mart, while he spent an extra $2.50 (plus tax!) on a phantom six-pack of Diet Mountain Dew.