And Now, For the BONDage Faux Pas

Let the record show that while Val is a pretty sharp cookie, she is not well-versed in financial smarts. Oh, she can do basic math, and even her own taxes, but investment ins and outs are all Greek to her.

Friday, we left our main bank with the savings bonds and official forms that the MEDALLION Master had given us. I was quite relieved, without this burden of inherited-fortune conversion hanging over my head any longer. I'm sure Hick was even more relieved, in the event that his cash cow could collapse without leaving him beneficiary.

Later that night, I was happily internetting, all footloose and fancy free. I looked up some comments concerning other people who had mailed in their savings bonds for redemption, to establish a timeline for when I should start to worry. The site said there was a lag time of about 3 weeks. Some comments said it took 4-6 months for theirs. The most recent ones related 6-9 days as their turnaround.

I saw an address for mailing the bonds. So I decided to take a look at the form I'd given MEDALLION Master, to make sure of the address. I brought up my blank internet file. I glanced back at the rest of the form.

THE TIME TO START WORRYING WAS NOW!

Right under the six boxes for listing your bonds, where MEDALLION Master had written "Please see attached list," was this statement:

I request that the described bonds be redeemed and payment be made in the form of (a choice of CHECK or DIRECT DEPOSIT).

PANIC!

My heart jumped up into my throat to make room for the galloping herd of butterflies in my stomach. NO! That's not what was supposed to happen! I had handed MEDALLION Master my list of ALL bonds. I had two lists, arranged in chronological order. An itemization of ALL the bonds. Ranging from 1979 to 1994.

MEDALLION Master had sent in my complete collection of bonds. ALL of them! Even those that were...um...IMmature! I was going to lose a fortune!

I was beside myself. By now it was 1:00 a.m. Should I let Hick sleep the pleasant slumber of one unencumbered by knowledge of the catastrophe at hand? Or should I wake him and tell him how stupid I'd been? How could we possibly get that list back? How could we fix this mess? Maybe Hick would know. He's good at financial stuff. Even though he'd led me on the MEDALLION quest before I felt ready. Even though I was incurring more unreported interest debt by the month.

I hear Hick's footless ankles stumping across the ceiling of my dark basement lair. Aha! He was up! I hiked upstairs to spread my angst. And there Hick was, snoozing like a baby. A giant snoring baby hooked up to a CPAP machine.

"Hey! Are you up? Hello? Are you up? Are you awake? Good!"

Hick turned over and grimaced at me when I turned on his electrical-shorted ceiling fan light brighter than 10,000 suns.

"I heard you up. I was just thinking. We gave that bank lady the WHOLE LIST of bonds! Not just the ones that have matured!"

"Val. It's not a big deal."

"YES IT IS. THEY'LL CASH THEM ALL IN! WE'LL LOSE INTEREST! AAAANNNDDD I'LL GO TO THE FEDERAL PEN FOR TAX EVASION FOR NOT REPORTING THE INTEREST FOR THE PAST 38 YEARS!"

"Val. Nobody is going to lock you up."

"What are we going to do? Maybe they didn't mail that form yet! Maybe they were busy with
the parade! Can you call her in the morning and ask if they can hold on to it? SO we can mark those others off the list?"

"Val. It's not a big deal. YOU can call her. They're your bonds."

"YOU did all the talking! Maybe if we just send in the bonds that have already matured, they will only redeem THOSE. Maybe you can call that number again. The guy there at the bond place. I printed out a phone number."

"Val. You can try that. But everything's okay. We didn't even mail the bonds yet."

"I KNOW! But the bank mailed the list!"

"No they didn't. They have a copy. YOU have it."

"No."

"Yes. She gave it to you. It's in your folder."

"She gave me a COPY. SHE'S sending it in."

"No. Why would they do that?"

"Because it's such a hassle to get the MEDALLION and the form. It's regulated."

"She kept a copy for the bank. You can send in what you want."

"But she asked how much money they were worth, and I showed her at the top of each list."

"I don't know why she did that. It's not on the form."

"But we have to stop that whole list! And only redeem the ones that have matured! Not the other 74!"

"I'm trying to tell you, just send a new form with the bonds."

"We're supposed to send them separately!"

"Nooo...I guarantee you the Federal Treasury is not going to try to match up a letter with a list and a bunch of bonds they get in the mail. It all goes together."

"Well...that's EASY! All I have to do is type up a whole new list of 169 bonds!"

Actually, no. I used a previous file and only had to add nine to one of my two previous lists. Whew! I was about ready for a nervous breakdown. After that panic, taking the tax hit should be a piece of cake. Although Hick says that since I inherited the bonds from my mom...he doesn't think I have to pay a penalty or interest. Hick doesn't work for the IRS. I'm pretty sure he's wrong on this one.

I'm also pretty sure we should use a professional tax filer this year.