Even Steven's Scales of Justice Might Need a Slight Re-Calibration

Try to keep up, people. This is not really one of those word problems from 7th grade math. Some figures are pertinent to the scenario, yet not used in calculations.

Yesterday, when Hick announced that he was on his way home from court (details another day) and that he was taking me to the casino...I rushed around getting my gambling accoutrements in order. In the bottom of the bag I took on Casinopalooza 2, I found an envelope. Inside was $88! Found money! I guess I had not stashed it with my gambling bankroll because it was not an even hundred. Anyhoo...I had 3 twenties, 3 fives, and 13 ones. I set aside the ones to use for my daily 44 oz Diet Cokes. I stashed the fives, because I'm always needing them to put in Genius's weekly letter as part of the six dollars I send him for Chinese food. And I put the twenties with five more twenties to give Hick for gambling purposes.

Let the record show that our casino money does not come out of Thevictorian household money. It is culled from winnings that Val has accumulated for nigh on 25 years, since her very first casino trip. Yes, Val is a good saver and a good rationer. And an even better lucky dog. Let the record further show that Val sometimes begrudges Hick the money to gamble with, because he always loses everything. Yesterday, I did not begrudge him a bankroll, because it was a surprise trip, and I was flush with cash. After all, I'd just found a bonus $88.

On the walk into the casino, though, Hick had to remind me to fork it over. "Where's my money?"

"Oh. Here. I forgot." I handed him the cash I had stashed in my shirt pocket for that purpose. "Here's $160. I don't know if I should give you that much if you're going to rush me. But there it is."

We went our separate ways, planning to meet for lunch in 45 minutes. When it was almost time, I got a call from Hick. A machine had eaten a twenty and not given him credits. He was waiting on an attendant. That took 20 or 30 minutes. I found him and played a game nearby while they took apart the machine and counted up money and found his twenty jammed in the money-eater with a corner folded back. They gave him back his moolah and apologized for his wait. No big deal to Hick. He doesn't get all bent out of shape at things like that. I'd have to be comatose to hold my tongue.

Anyhoo...we were both only down a few dollars at lunch. Afterwards, I lost a little trying to play Whales of Cash and Lightning Link. I'm not real familiar with those penny games, but I was switching up my quarter and dollar denominations for a change. I did okay on Buffalo Gold, but grew tired of waiting for it to bonus.

I found a machine I'd seen on YouTube slot videos. It's called 88 Fortunes. Here's a 3-minute video of how the game works. Anyhoo...there were five of these games in a carousel. I took one that had the money pot thingy at the top almost full. I sat down and put in my player's card (that I had rescued from being left over by Hick's malfunctioning game before lunch) and shoved in a twenty. I looked at the control panel thingy. Minimum bet was 88 cents, which is what I was going to play. I pushed my bright green old-phone-cord-style keyring stretchy thingy attached to my player's card out of the way, and THAT MACHINE SPUN AT MAX BET OF $8.88!!!

NOOOOO! That control panel was so sensitive that just the act of sliding my keyring stretchy thing off the area activated the MAX BET button! Crap! There went $8.88 down the drain! Almost half my twenty! It's a wonder I've managed to live this long, being so stupid and careless.

Anyhoo...after a few spins at 88 cents, I hit a bonus for $41. That was exciting. I though about leaving, but then I thought maybe it was hot machine. So I played some more. A man came up and started stalking me, sitting down at the machine to my left, acting like he was playing, but making slow spins. I'm pretty sure he was trying to take over my machine. Which made me stubborn, so I stayed. I played down my money, and hit another bonus for $27. Played that down and hit one for $21. Then, with that guy practically sitting on my lap, I cashed out and moved around the carousel to the machine to the right. Of course that guy jumped right over to my former machine and started feeding it.

But my new machine was paying, too! And it was getting those gong things that make a noise, just not enough for the bonus. I knew that guy could hear it. He was getting some kind of payoffs, because I heard his machine, too. Then he got up and came around to look at my new machine, and the one to the right. He huffed and left. But he came back in about five minutes and sat down to play my former machine again.

Meanwhile, I had put a couple of twenties in this new one, because it was giving me some money back, and I felt like it was going to hit a bonus. Then it gave me a line hit of $135 with a bunch of those ship thingies. That was great. I was pretty excited, but not for long, because it gave me four gongs, and a bunch of free spins, during the middle of which the lid on the money pot slammed closed, and I got a picking bonus, which gave me I think the mini bonus, which was a little over $25. Then it went back into the free spin bonus, and I ended up with $202 on that bonus. Let me tell you, I cashed that money out and headed for the ticket-cashing machine. Val is a gambler, but not THAT much of a gambler.

By the time I went to sit on the toilet to count my money, I determined that I had made back the day's losses, and had a little profit. I was $122 ahead. I went to find Hick to see if he was ready to go, but he was playing a new penny game, so I went to my old favorite, RedHot 7s ReSpin. I told him I was only playing ONE TWENTY in it, because I was going to leave with a profit. Something we rarely do at this casino.

When Hick came to find me, I was up to $60 on my twenty. So I cashed it out. Hick said he had one twenty left, and he wanted to play it in the RedHot 7s ReSpin. I magnanimously gave him my machine. Because it was hot. But not so much when Hick started touching it, because it ate his twenty in record time. I felt bad for him, because he said, "Well, that was the last of my money." So I gave him one of my twenties to play in the RedHot 7s machine to the left of that one. He lost that twenty, too.

We started toward the parking lot, and I said, "Oh, I have to cash in my ticket from that RedHot 7s machine." As I stepped toward the ticket-cashing machine, Hick stepped in front of me.

"Oh, you didn't cash it in yet? I've gotta cash my tickets, too."

Hick had two tickets that he put in the casher. And he got back $170 total! That is SO WRONG! I had given him $160 to play on, and I came away with $162 profit. Darn that Even Steven! Because he (and Hick) had led me to believe that Hick was destitute, so I had given him ANOTHER twenty. Yet Hick left with $170 of what had been MY MONEY in his pocket! I had given him a total of $180 for the day, and came away myself with $142 after donating to Hick's unneeded cause.

Hick treated himself to a stop at Goodwill on the way home, and bought himself a cordless drill for $15. I'm not sure it even works. He said he bought it for the charger that pops onto the bottom, because it fits his drill at home.

Yes, I am now (unintentionally) funding Hick's hoarder habit. And no, the fact that I found $88 of money I didn't know I had, and won my day's fortune on 88 Fortunes, was not lost on me.

Even Steven has a unique sense of humor. And he needs to re-calibrate his scales.