Friday, June 30, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #65 "Two Tools and Their Money Are Soon Partying"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Come on, take a chance on me! I bet Abba would! You're sure to hit the jackpot with this week's release. Ante up! Toss some money in Val's pot. Must be 21. Or 18 in Oklahoma.


Two Tools and Their Money Are Soon Partying

Jessica Rarebitch is a bit of a scammer. She and her partner Hank make a living ripping off rubes in casinos. For a small cut of the action, security will often cue a "power outage" to assist them. Jessica distracts the players with her...assets...while Hank gathers chips off the gaming tables. During the darkness, Hank stashes the ill-gotten gains in Jessica's "special compartment," access made easier by a customized pleat in her dress.

Will Jessica and Hank continue to roll the high rollers? Or will ever-advancing surveillance technology make everything go to CRAPS for the two-armed bandits? (97 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Sweepings, under the rug..."I don't know who Thevictorian thinks she's fooling. She can't hide her lack of talent forever. Or even for a short time. She might think her fake book is gritty, and that her fake-writing style is salt-of-the-earth...but, like me, her work really belongs in a vacuum."

Fusilli Jerry..."Hey, poker chips! Find your own compartment! This one's taken. TAKEN! Which you might also say about Thevictorian's book--it's going to be TAKEN back to the store for a refund when people realize how they've been swindled."

Jessica's Dance Technique..."My thumbs and little kicks are often ridiculed by Jessica's friends, but I look like the moves of Baryshnikov compared to Thevictorian's Dance Dance Revolution style of writing."

A November Chocolate Easter Bunny, missing only his ears, wrapped in foil at the back of the bottom shelf of the refrigerator..."That is a TERRIBLE hiding place! Especially on Jessica Rarebitch. I'm pretty sure a revolving door would be just as secure. And speaking of TERRIBLE, and hiding...Thevictorian's fake book is really terrible, and she needs to go into hiding before people take a gamble and buy it. Nobody wins here."

Al Capone's Vault..."Fake-reading this fake book makes people feel as empty as ME!"

Jimmy Hoffa..."The best place for this fake book is six feet under, encased in concrete, in the west end zone of Giant's stadium. Wait a minute! No, it isn't! The best place for this fake book is on the other side of the earth from here--I mean THERE!"

One-Armed Bandit..."A fool and his money are soon parted. Let's hope the smart ones hold onto their money for a wise investment in ME, and forget about wasting it on this fake book."

Val's OLD Gambling Purse..."For the right price, I will gladly store the fake manuscript for this fake book, along with all as-yet-unsold inventory. I'm all about doing the world a favor."

Joe H's wife, Mrs. Cranky..."Bring me these fake books one at a time, and I will place them under a towel on the kitchen counter. Things there have a miraculous way of disappearing."

Joe H..."Do NOT bring any of those fake books to my house! I will zap them with my electric flyswatter in hopes of setting them ablaze, or put them out for my pet squirrel to shred for bedding in his magnificent palace in my eave. Oh, yeah. Go ahead and bring them."

12 comments:

  1. Val--You could write this book and make it a real one, and could then write off your casino trips, because you'd be doing research for the novel.

    What a novel idea this is. (I love Jessica's last name.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A novel idea? I see what you did there!

      Write it as a real book so I could write off my casino trips? Then I would have no time to go to the casino, because I would be writing! I might as well cut off my long, flowing locks to sell for money to buy myself hair combs!

      Delete
  2. I think I saw this in a movie, "Dictorian 13"!

    You may need to hide this plagiarized story in a shack in shacky town.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, please! Everyone knows that I have not seen a single movie, ever, in my entire life! And I have a feeling Shackytown is hiding more than my allegedly-plagiarized story.

      Delete
  3. This book should be avoided like a poker hand with five aces.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In slots, five of a kind is a GOOD THING!

      Now I am intrigued with having a POKER hand. Not related to a card game. A hand that is used to POKE people until they do my bidding. If only I'd had one as Li'l Val, riding in the back seat with my sister the li'l future ex-mayor's wife.

      Delete
  4. I'm looking for a good book to read; this isn't it!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Not-Heaven, you say! I'm surprised my fake publicist didn't snatch up that quote for my blurbs.

      Delete
  5. The odds that anyone will like this book are about the same as walking away from the casino with anything more than your integrity, your money would be better spent at the Black Jack table than wasted on this book.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another missed blurb opportunity! With reviews like this, I'm sure my fake book would be selling like hotcakes at a low-carb convention.

      Delete
  6. What a great idea for a distraction! But that "special compartment" makes me shudder because that tight dress sure doesn't leave a lot of room for holding much! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't say they were SMART thieves!

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