Friday, June 16, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #64 "Full of Hot Air: A Tale of Three Testees"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Don't burst Val's bubble! She works hard to produce these fake books. What a barren literary landscape we would have, if not for her timely tomes. Get your hands on her latest effort today, before Val is sacked from the fake-book industry.


Full of Hot Air: A Tale of Three Testees

The B. Loon Testee family works as quality control technicians, testing balloons. As a perk, they each get 500 free balloons every payday.

B. moonlights as a free-lance balloon-animal act for kids' parties. His wife markets the top half of her balloons on the internet as Flavor Savers, covers for Tupperware bowls that have lost their lids. The bottom half she donates to the local homeless shelter, where proprietor Rebecca DeMornay has them redirected to Top O' the Muffin to You, a bakery about to slip into bankruptcy, due to the cost of hauling away muffin stumps and balloon bottoms.

Even the littlest Testee has a use for her free balloons. Inflated and tossed into the basement, they make one great big ball pit for her to play in, when she's not working a 40-hour week. Join the Testees in their journey to make life more uplifting for others. (149 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

The 80s..."Hello? Hello? Sorry I didn't reach you, Mr. Testee. Um...this is the Eighties...and we'd like our hair back. Thanks! Ahem. Now, for that Thevictorian woman. This fake book is totally bitchin'! PSYCH! Like, get real. Your writing style is grody. To the max! You're a bogus fake author, fer sure."

Davey Crocket, King of the Wild Frontier..."I haven't seen hair like that since I wore my coonskin cap while I helped Ben Franklin fly his kite during an electrical storm. As for Thevictorian...she reminds me of a frontier woodsman. Her words are wooden, and she chops at them like an amateur with her first ax."

Aquanet..."While I can assist this family with their tresses, there is no help for Thevictorian, whose words are limper than the hair of Jerry Seinfeld after a low-flow shower-head shampoo."

The Ozone..."Like this follicularly fantastic family has put a hole in me, Thevictorian's fake writing leaves an aching emptiness in the hearts of all who fake-read it."

Gee Your Hair Looks Terrific..."As you might imagine, this family did not use me. I'm not one for self-promotion, so I'll advise all the unfortunate fake readers of this Thevictorian woman to use No More Tears, in hopes that it may bring them comfort."

Jack, recuperating in his hospital bed, sister Jill at his side..."If I'd had THIS kind of hair, I never would have broke my crown! Let the record show that vinegar and brown paper are poor substitutes for triple antibiotic ointment and gauze...and that Val Thevictorian is a poor substitute for a writer."

Farrah Fawcett..."At the risk of people saying I'm no angel, let me pointedly declare that having my likeness plastered on 14-year-old boy's bedroom wall, and being subjected to countless indignities, is still much more pleasant than fake-reading this fake book."

Former President Ronald Reagan..."Val Thevictorian! TEAR. UP. THIS. BOOK!"

Guns 'N Roses..."Welcome to the jungle! A world where Val Thevictorian throws all writing rules out the window, and cuts a swath through a story like a bulldozer through the rain forest. Don't cry, sweet child o' mine. Have patience. For one day, we shall rid the literary world of Thevictorian, and we'll be in Paradise City."


10 comments:

  1. Val--Thanks for taking part. Your reviews show your eclectic tastes and experiences. Farrah Fawcett. Guns and Roses. Jack and Jill...

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    1. I have a steel-trap mind for select slivers of pop culture history.

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  2. Oh boy did you take me on a journey. This was really fun!

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    Replies
    1. JOURNEY! I see what you did there!

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  3. Well this was a fun read. You're good at this stuff.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. I sometimes find myself speeding down the road toward Inappropriateville, and tap the brakes ever so slightly.

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  4. This book, like its author, is full of hot air.

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    Replies
    1. At least the author is not a testee!

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  5. What a resourceful family! Great way to recycle balloons and keep them out of the landfill! LOL

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    Replies
    1. Yes, what a family! Those Testees are selfless like that!

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