Friday, June 23, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #64 "Opal's Oasis: Offbeat Oddities"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. It's time to poop or get off the pot! Val is dropping her fake books all willy-nilly across the landscape, and you need to scoop them up before any more logs are wasted. Val has turned her efforts from making chicken salad into making fake books. She hopes to come out of this venture smelling like a rose. So cut the crap and dig into your honeypot of savings, and fake-buy Val's latest fake book today!

[In case you are wondering why Val's count of fake books went from #64 to #64...there was a week when Sioux did not fake-publish a fake book, so overachieving Val has adjusted her volume number downward.]


Opal's Oasis: Offbeat Oddities

Opal has a knack for creating knickknacks. In the oodles of spare time she has while running her campground, she creates keepsakes to sell in her store.

Opal's newest creation is The Pet Poop. No crazier that a Pet Rock, Opal figures. Besides, she has plenty of extra raw material, provided by campers who don't read her signs. Who don't scoop their (dogs') poop. Opal has a special drying bed where her poop matures. She will sell no poop before its time. She polishes it until it's smooth, with a muted shine. Then wraps each piece in a Ziploc bag and labels it $5.00.

Will Opal get rich selling Pet Poops? Or will she be just as happy to set her wares on a table out front, and watch people pick up their dog poop like they should have in the first place? (143 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Pet Rock..."Hello? Copyright infringement, anyone? As soon as I get a lawyer, both Opal and Thevictorian will be slapped with a lawsuit. And Thevictorian will be slapped some more. Just because."

Mood Ring..."The release of this fake book has put me in a dark humor. The writing is tepid at best, and I grow cold at the thought of this fake work, OR those Pet Poops, sitting on a shelf somewhere as if they belong. I have more talent in my little finger...um...let me rephrase that...I have more talent in the little finger I'm worn upon than this fake author has in her whole (considerably large) body."

Beanie Babies..."You'd better buy one of each of them, because one of these days, they're going to be valuable! Even that Thevictorian woman's fake book. Seal them up in a plastic tub, and in twenty or thirty years, you'll have a fortune on your hands. Not just poop."

Cabbage Patch Kid..."These Pet Poops are too ugly for words. Nobody will want those. They all look alike. I doubt they even come with a pedigree, and folks probably have to give them a name. This Thevictorian woman needs the stuffing beat out of her for pushing this agenda."

That little dog in the arms of Eva Gabor in the opening credits of Green Acres..."I get allergic smelling hay, but my excrement doesn't have an odor. I would like to contribute to this new fad. Is there a post office box where my droppings might be sent? It may take a few days. The mail doesn't go out in a timely manner down at Sam Drucker's store. If the fake author would like to fake-interview me, she can ring that phone at the top of the pole outside our bedroom closet door."

Lassie..."What's that, you say? Timmy fell down a well? IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THEVICTORIAN! A polite woman would never have fake-written a book about a woman who thinks it is okay to handle dog feces."

Candy-Pooping Doggie Deer like pulled the Grinch's sleigh..."Ooh! That's not gonna turn out well. I doubt those Pet Poops are even edible! The thought of this venture makes me cringe with embarrassment for the inventor and the fake author. Whoopsie! I think a little poop came out."

Spuds Mackenzie..."Hey, Bud! I need a drink! Fake-reading this fake book was a bitch! Val Thevictorian is no party animal! She's a...wait for it...party POOPER!"

15 comments:

  1. The only way i would by dog poop is if it were in a good package, like inside a Puppy Jack. I would buy it then, but only for the package.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NO! That kind of package is not for sale!

      Delete
  2. If these pet poops were sold on a piece of wood they could be marketed as "shit on a shingle."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Opal probably has that covered. I think she has made crafty shingles before, and sold them at her Oasis.

      Delete
  3. Laughing at Stephen Hayes.
    I think regular poop is bad enough, but polished poop I think would be worse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have told Stephen he needs to become a fake reviewer for my fake books!

      Better to buy polished poop than to have to polish it yourself.

      Delete
  4. I hope Kathy and her Kampground will be getting residuals from this sure-to-be-a-blockbuster book.

    Otherwise she might sue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kathy won't sue me! She's old-school. She'll just give me a piece of her mind, and negotiate a discount for these fake books to fake-sell at her Kampground. I might need to tell Hick, though, to abandon all hope for getting that emu egg from her.

      Delete
  5. Am I your muse???? Only you could turn my passion for poop into a successful venture! I am stealing the sign idea ...... except the dog atop it will be in Charming Eddie's likeness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well...it depends on whether you want to SIOUX me, or whether you just want a discount on a bulk order of my latest fake book, so you can make a profit selling them to kids who want to throw them in your pool.

      It looks like a sign you would make! Be careful. Eddie is so cute, somebody might steal your sign.

      Delete
  6. The way people sell anything nowadays, I can just imagine someone selling pet poop and becoming a millionaire! Great blurb!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! It is the best of times...it is the worst of times...

      Delete
  7. I know I left a comment on this one. I thought you got the sign from Kathy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doesn't it look like something Kathy would make? She's so KRAFTY!

      I looked back and didn't see your comment. The blogosphere was hungry that day, my friend, but thankfully not angry like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

      OR

      The blogosphere ate your comment, like a dingo eating a baby. (Typed with a bad Australian accent)

      I'm pretty sure you know your Seinfeld references, don't you?

      Delete