If You Give a Hick a Carport

It all started with the new carport.

Since Hick had roofers coming to replace our roof (due to hail damage) on the insurance company's dime, he figured he'd ask them to build him a carport. You know, since we were saving all that money on fixing the roof, and since roofers obviously know how to build carports.

Once he had the carport, Hick NEEDED an old ratty picket fence to define the area. Putting in the fence, he noticed that the brick sidewalk he had built 20 years ago was crooked. Quite a shock to the man who had installed every light switch and electrical outlet plate canted at a 15-degree angle.

Once he dug up the bricks to straighten the sidewalk, Hick saw that the repairs would put the end of the sidewalk up under the existing porch steps. Because of course nobody would straighten the sidewalk from the OTHER end, leaving the porch steps intact, and instead rolling a delineating telephone pole out into the yard a few inches by the carport.

Now we have a fence that goes halfway across the house. And no steps. But we have a carport!

All I need is an illustrator for my new fake book,

"If You Give a Hick a Carport."

If you give a Hick a carport, he will need a fence to accentuate the structure.

If a Hick needs a fence, he will save money using fence pieces found in an old shed on the property bought as an investment for his sons.

Once the old fence pieces set off the carport, the Hick will want to extend them to the house.

When the old fence pieces are extended in front of the house, the Hick will notice that the framing boards of the brick sidewalk he attached them to are crooked.

Because the Hick sees that the sidewalk is crooked, he digs up every brick.

While straightening the sidewalk bed to replace the bricks, the Hick will discover that the the new, straight sidewalk ends under the porch steps.

To keep the sidewalk from ending under the porch steps, the Hick will tear out the steps and rebuild them.

After the Hick tears out the steps, he will rebuild them at his own pace.


WHEW! That was a close one! I was afraid we would have to bulldoze the house and start over!