Wanted For Crimes Against Thevictorian

Pardon me if I am not my usual bubbly, rainbow-and-unicorn self today. I am recovering. Yes. Val was a victim of a heinous crime this morning. Two heinous crimes, in fact. I know you're shocked. Val is generally not a victim. She pulls herself up by her own bootstraps and soldiers on. No use crying over spilt milk. Val rarely utters a tiny whine about the unfairness of life. Wait! Why are you all looking at each other like that? With the raised eyebrows and all? Huh. Must be some private joke amongst you.

I was a victim of HIGHWAY ROBBERY today when I did the weekly Walmart shopping! Seriously. I don't know how people live these days. My bill was over a hundred and seventy dollars! For three people in my household. I didn't even buy meat! Of course, there were those four floatie things I got for Poolio because we were having kid company today. But they didn't cost a hundred and seventy dollars.

When I looked over my receipt, I saw that fruit alone cost me thirty dollars. Fruit! Nothing exotic, either. Just bananas, green grapes, red grapes, strawberries, and Granny Smith apples. No, I did not buy a pallet of each. Thirty dollars! Why, folks could get 20 McDonald's double cheeseburgers for that, and have protein!

My best ol' ex-teaching buddy, Mabel, has take to buying her produce at Aldi's. Of course, now that she is retired, and on a forever vacation, she has time to drive across the county for her produce needs. Not this ol' Val. By the time I would drive to Aldi's, the cost of gas would negate any savings. Don't even ask me about Save A Lot. Their produce is not their strong point. They did have some pretty plums the other day, but I only went in for BBQ meat, so I passed them by. Who's sorry now? VAL!

The other crime of which I was a victim was BATTERY! Okay, not me so much as Granny Smith. You know how you look through the apples, and make sure you get the ones that are the prettiest and most shapely, without blemishes? That checker slammed my bag of Granny Smiths onto the top of the bag carousel like she was Hulk Hogan slamming Randy Savage. Or Jesse "The Body" Ventura slamming Dick the Bruiser in a cage match. What is with these checkers? Get yourself a wrestling persona and an arch nemesis, and quit taking out your aggression on my fruit! I swear, I wanted to say, after grunting with disgruntlement, of course, "Uh! Why don't you go back and get me a new bag of Granny Smiths, since you just bruised the ones I picked out?" But I didn't. Val keeps a civil tongue in her head in public.

Poor Granny Smith. Now she is the victim. I daresay she busted a hip, and will now need the beeper chair to get through Walmart. She oughta take her cane and shake it at that checker: "Lay off my hip, you maniac!" I feel bad for not standing up for Granny. But that would have taken valuable time. I had already waited behind a lady in a beeper cart who stood up to put out her groceries, then sat down and drove forward to the payment card keypad. She wanted to pay ten dollars with a check, and the rest with a debit card of some kind. When it didn't work, she told the checker, "Don't worry, I have cash." Not that I blame her for wanting to pay in her own way. I just wanted the checker to advance the conveyor so I could get the rest of my stuff on it, rather than let it sit there idle, a good four feet of bare conveyor between me and the scanner. I couldn't move forward to put the rest of my stuff in front, because the beeper cart lady was parked there.

Walmart needs a big WANTED poster area on their bulletin board. A WANTED poster picturing their checkers who are guilty of HIGHWAY ROBBERY and BATTERY. So sayeth Val Thevictorian, judge, jury, and backup executioner.