More From the Files of Unqualified People Shipping

For a few years we've had a peace. A calm between storms. A ceasefire with Unqualified People Shipping. Oh, sure, we still have our Hatfield and McCoy feud with FedEx. But the biscuit-tossing dog lady had spoiled us with her prompt and polite UPS deliveries. Until yesterday.

I was expecting a package from Amazon. Two-day shipping is free with Prime, you know. It's supposed to arrive by 8:00 p.m. on the second day. I had received emails saying my package had shipped, and would be here on Wednesday.

When The Pony and I came home from school, we found a post office orange card in EmBee. We thought Genius might have ordered something. Because my email said my package with two items was arriving by UPS. It was a phone cover dealybobber for Hick, and a book for me. When we got to the house, there was no package. No big deal. They usually come around 4:00-6:00, and it was only 2:30. Still plenty of time.

At 5:30, I got an email that said my package could not be delivered, and I should call for alternate instructions. I called the number given, which was automated, and a recording told me that the package was undeliverable because nobody was home, and it had been handed over to the post office for delivery. When I checked tracking, I saw that the USPS was the plan for delivery all along. UPS contracts some jobs out with them. Thus, the card. A bit of fudging on my undeliverable explanations there, but at least I was going to pick it up the next day.

But wait! That was only the phone cover thingy.

At 7:55, I got a call from the local UPS store. "My driver could not find your address. Is it 1313 Mockingbird Lane?"

"Yes. That's my address. Same as always for the past 17 years."

"Well, he found Mockingbird Lane, but he could not find your house. Which one is it?"

"Um. The one with 1313 Mockingbird Lane on a sign three feet off the road."

"He's new. I'm going to give him a call, and if he's still in the neighborhood, he'll be by with your package in about five minutes."

You know, I believed him. I hollered up to Hick, who even put a pair of shorts on over his post-swimming, after-shower tighty-whities. As you might have surmised by now, the package was not forthcoming. This morning I called the local UPS, whose number I got off my caller ID. The gal sounded a bit surprised that I was calling about an undelivered package, and that I had the tracking number.

"Let me go upstairs so I can look that up."

"I got a call last night that the driver could not find my house. That he found the street, but not my address. That is kind of funny, because my house is less that a half-mile up that street. There is only one other house before it, and I have my address hanging from a sign about three feet off the street, right by the driveway that leads to the house."

"Hm. Can you see the house?"

"Yes. It's right down the driveway by the sign with the address hanging on it. First house on the right."

"Oh, yes it is. I will contact the driver. He's new."

"This package in only a book. Nobody has to be home. Just leave it on the porch. It will be fine."

"I'll make a note of that."

"Well, it's one thing if you can't find the street, but don't tell me you found the street and can't find my house, because that is impossible."

"I'll let him know."

She must have been looking up Google Earth, because she acted like she could clearly see my house arrangement. SOMEBODY is trying to pull a fast one and make an excuse for not getting my package to me in two days. SOMEBODY must be really slow on his route, and thought people would fall for his pitiful excuse.

BUT HERE'S THE BEST PART!

When The Pony and I got home this afternoon, there was a package on our front porch. The Pony picked it up. He was chortling. "Hey! Somebody drew a picture on our package!"

Yes. I think I got the last laugh. The dispatcher made my point, cartoony and clear. I almost forgive the Unqualified People Shipping for wasting my Amazon Prime money.