Back to the Dog House For Hick

Move over, Sweet, Sweet Juno! You're getting a roommate tonight!

You notice I didn't bother to warn Jack. He's kind of homeless. Or at least houseless. Jack doesn't sleep in a house. Never has. I guess he's the independent sort. Probably his heeler half. He prefers to lay under the Trailblazer in a little hole scooped out in the driveway gravel. Or sometimes he heads over to the chicken pen area, and possibly sleeps in the chicken house (even when we still had uneaten chickens, they mostly roosted in the tree limbs hanging over the chicken house), or under the Little Barbershop of Horrors.

Hick has sneakily sealed his own fate. A few days ago, I made a treat for HOS (Hick's Oldest Son). It's a seasonal kind of treat, composed of dry-roasted peanuts and candy corn. Before you turn up your nose at such fare, consider the fact that this combination tastes exactly like a Payday candy bar. If you're no fan of the Payday, you probably wouldn't like it.

I was first introduced to the Payday mix by my sister the ex-mayor's wife. I think the ex-mayor actually discovered it and told her to make it. Not that I'm such a connoisseur of Payday candy bars. I wouldn't buy one for myself at the Walmart checkout, no matter how long I was waiting in line. Even though I adore those Stuckey's Pecan Logs, and a Payday is kind of like a poor Val's version of that delicacy. No, I wouldn't go out of my way to eat a Payday, but when somebody offers you a bowl of dry-roasted peanuts and candy corn, and says, "Try this! It tastes just like a Payday!" I'm pretty sure you would try it, too.

Anyhoo...I had a big jug of dry-roasted peanuts, and a large economy size bag of candy corn, with the intention of making some of this mix for a project that has not yet been revealed. While I was in Save A Lot a few days ago, I saw a regular size bag of candy corn, and a bag right next to it labeled "Holiday Mix." That bag had mostly candy corn, but with some kernels having a brown chocolate tip instead of white. Also, it contained a few bright orange pumpkin-shaped pieces. So I got a bag. It was only $.99. That's less than a 44 oz Diet Coke from the gas station chicken store.

Wednesday night, I made up five bags (snack-size Ziplock baggies) of the Payday mix for Hick to take to Genius when he went to visit him on Thursday morning. I also used that pumpkin-laced Holiday Mix to make five bags of the Payday mix for HOS. Knowing Hick like I do, I warned him not to drive off and forget Genius's treats, and also the quart container of roasted vegetables that I'd set aside for him. I even put the treats on a kitchen chair pulled out to block the door, so Hick would see it on the way out, and be reminded to get the vegetables out of FRIG II to take along.

Knowing Hick quite well, I instructed him NOT to eat Genius's treats on the 2-hour drive to College Town. "It's not good for you. You shouldn't have sugar. Your doctor has already told you to bring down your A1C by next visit. That candy corn is pure sugar! But if you MUST have some, take one of HOS's. I can always get more to him easier than Genius."

Of course when I got up Thursday morning (way after Hick left at 6:30), I saw that HOS's treats were down to four baggies. As expected. They were sitting on the cutting block where I had put all five. Hick said he was going to see HOS later on Thursday.

Friday, I noticed that Hick had moved HOS's Payday Mix over to the kitchen counter, by his bananas. I figured he was going to grab them as he went out the door, since he'd forgotten them on Thursday when he saw HOS.

Today Hick went to check out his newest project, and attend a peewee football game for HOS's son. When I left for town, I saw that HOS's treats were now sitting on the kitchen table, behind Hick's Diet Mountain Dew six-pack. Upon further inspection, I noticed that there were now only three baggies of Payday Mix.

I was all ready to send Hick a text: "Would now be a good time to confess to HOS that you have eaten 40% of the treats I made for him?" However...it was 12:57, and the game started at 1:00. So I didn't. Because I'm such a nice Val, you know.

Hick called me later and I asked him then. He declared that he only ate ONE baggie of HOS's treats. Swore on it. Promised me. Until I reminded him that I made five, and I saw that he'd hidden them away on the table rather than giving them to HOS. I was able to jog his memory about Thursday morning, and Hick finally admitted that he'd eaten two of the five.

I don't begrudge Hick food. I try to get him healthier snacks. Candy corn is not one of them. I'm pretty sure that sleeping out in the dog house will stimulate Hick's metabolism overnight.

I'll be helping him, really.