I should have known how this week would go when I couldn't cut the cheese on Sunday.
I only wanted a couple of thin slices off one-fourth of a two-pound block of sharp cheddar. To go on my Roasted Garlic Triscuits, you know. I would not be partaking of Hick's Super Bowl snacks of wings, Li'l Smokies in BBQ sauce, pepper-and-garlic steak fries, Ruffles and Hidden Valley Ranch dip, restaurant-style tortilla chips and queso dip, sugar-free sugar cookies (yeah, I thought the same thing), and sugar-free oatmeal cookies. Hick has cut back too, you know. Didn't want our usual Super Bowl snacks of potato skins and mozzarella sticks and Velveeta/salsa/sausage dip.
Okay. I admit to three chicken wings. Woman does not live by Triscuits and cheddar alone, you know. Gotta have some protein.
That darn cheese was not cooperating! I know sharp cheddar is firmer than Velveeta. But this cheese acted like it still had the wrapper on it. That paring knife was going nowhere. I broke one of them previously, snapped the handle right off, trying to cut the cheese. So I pulled it back, looking around for the giant butcher knife (contrary to popular opinion, not used by Val to cut the tails off of visually-challenged mice).
It's ironic, (no?) that the wife of a man who runs a knife-making factory doesn't have a sharp knife in the house? That's like a cobbler whose children go barefoot. Like a cattle rancher whose children are vegetarians. Like a woman practicing the world's oldest profession whose children are not bast--. Okay. So Hick's kids are not knives, but they're plenty sharp. Unlike Hick's wife.
I glared at that uncooperative kitchen tool. Whoopsie!
I had been using the wrong side of the knife.
Never mind.
And that's why I like Velveeta which though it is not cheese, is a "Cheese Like Product."
ReplyDeleteI actually prefer the Save A Lot version, which is called Marvella. Great on top of steamed vegetables, though it kind of takes away from the healthy aspect of vegetables.
DeleteWhen I cut the cheese, I simply lift one cheek and let it fly...
ReplyDeleteWintertime, and the fartin' is easy...
Farts are the muffled screams of trapped poop, according to The Pony, who read it on the internet. Hopefully not on Wikipedia. I think it's time you release the hostages...
DeleteWhoops, indeed. Better polish the dust off of those bifocals.
ReplyDeleteNo dust on VAL's bifocals! They are simply the worst glasses ever in the history of glassesdom. I took them back 10 times before I accepted them, and I should have taken my business elsewhere. My sister the ex-mayor's wife sees better through the glasses she picked up at Walmart.
DeleteMust be those glasses you keep complaining about. My mother was a big fan of Velveeta, she called it "real cheese". She liked Cheese Whiz, too. Always had a jar in her pantry to make macaroni and cheese. She was not an adventurous cook.
ReplyDeleteIt IS! The glasses from not-heaven! When Hick's older boys were younger, I made them grilled cheese using Velveeta. They loved it. Hick made them grilled cheese with Kraft American Singles (though probably the store brand) one evening when I was working, and they were not happy. They asked Hick, "Where's the cheese?"
DeletePersonally I prefer a person who isn't good at cutting the cheese.
ReplyDeleteHear that, Sioux? Your talents are underappreciated.
DeleteI love the way you channeled"Roseanne Roseannadanna."
ReplyDeleteI think Sioux is channeling Roseanne Roseannadanna. I am more of an Emily Litella kind of gal.
DeleteOr maybe Sioux is just trying to pass initiation to gain entrance to the 13-Year-Old-Self Club...
Does that make Hick the sharpest knife in the drawer?
ReplyDeleteNO! Only sharper than Val on that single day in history.
Delete