After the First Three Paragraphs, the Excitement Is Non-Stop!

Alas, there is no 2013 Ford Explorer with 45,000 miles on it in Val Thevictorian's future. That's because Hick woke up craving a pickup truck. C'est la vie. I was not going to be the primary driver of it anyway. Hick had to talk me into it. Once he accomplished that, and I had invested my valuable time in looking up Blue Book values on that object of his desire and his trade-in, Hick dropped it like a hot potato. I refused to spend the day driving around being accosted by car salesmen on the last selling day of the month, so Hick can cool his heels when not-heaven freezes over until I find the time to accompany him.

But that's not the end of our automotive story today, my friends. Not by a long shot. We drove T-Hoe to the city to visit my mom in the hospital this morning. She is looking good, but not ready to come home. Looks like she might have a stint in rehab (not THAT kind) before she's independent again. The doctors think they might kick her out of the hospital on Monday, so we'll have to make sure she's not relegated to doing push-ups in a mud puddle as Louis Gossett Jr. sprays her with a garden hose, or leg lifts on a concrete slab while he listens to her plead, "You can't kick me out. I got nowhere else to go!"

On the way home, Hick stopped by Gus's Pretzels. He parked next to the building. T-Hoe was the only car on that side of the parking lot. There was room for two or three other cars. No sooner had Hick entered the building than a sedan pulled in right next to T-Hoe. Let the record show that there was room to park elsewhere. But no.

A man and a person of indiscriminate sex (by that I mean I didn't notice if it was male or female, not that I'm calling that human a slut) got out of the driver's side. They went in, and an old man opened the front passenger door. Here's where Val goes ballistic.

THAT GEEZER SLAMMED HIS OPEN DOOR INTO T-HOE'S SIDE!

Not once. Not twice. But THRICE!!!

Geezer flung open his door, which hit T-Hoe and bounced back. So Geezer flung it again. And as he stood up, he rammed that door into T-Hoe AGAIN for good measure. Seriously? The Pony was sitting right there on the passenger side, back seat, of course, in plain view. And Stevie Wonder, Ronnie Milsap, Jose Feliciano, and Ray Charles would all have been hard-pressed to miss the presence of bigger-than-life Val in the front passenger seat. I held out my arms, palms up, like "WTF, YOU CRAZY OLD GEEZER, I'M SITTNG RIGHT HERE!"

I swear Geezer looked through T-Hoe's driver's side window like he was going to yank open the door and neutralize me. He must have been a mobster in his younger days. Then he turned and went around the corner and into Gus's. There was a female geezer in the back passenger seat. I did not lean over to see her face. What kind of gal lets an ignoramus slam the door into another car like he's Jerry Seinfeld in a too-small rental car he did not reserve, who paid for the insurance and is bent on beating the not-heaven out of that auto? I will say that even though I'm not a religiousy kind of person, I did recognize rosary beads in Geezette's hands. Or else she was quite a hit at Mardi Gras and was reliving the memories of the loot her mammaries got her back in February.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? And I don't mean myself concerning that last reference.

When Hick came out with our bag of pretzels, he carefully balanced T-Hoe's door, with its only opening-stops of Not Far Enough and Too Far, so as not to bump the sedan.

"I wouldn't worry about that if I was you. The old guy that got out SLAMMED HIS DOOR INTO US THREE TIMES!" I particularly wanted Geezette to hear me.

Hick just grunted and climbed into T-Hoe without avenging me. If Val was a spryer woman, she would have jumped out and run around and whammed T-Hoe's driver's door into that blue sedan. Turn about is fair play. The goose giving the gander his due. What went around returning.

This is why we can't have nice 2008 Tahoes with 69,000 miles on them.

I am redoubling my efforts to get my proposed handbasket factory up and running.