Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Val's Nose Is So Far Out of Joint That It Might Soon Appear on the Back of Her Head

Huh! Not only does the convenience store where I buy T-Hoe's gas neglect to put up a sign on my preferred parking space to reserve it for me when I drop in every couple of weeks...but my bank DOES NOT RESERVE A DRIVE-THRU LANE FOR ME! I know, right? What kind of shoddy customer service IS that?

I was running behind today because I wasted an hour looking for the certificate for Genius's college savings CD. And that's kind of what a CD is, you know, a CERTIFICATE of Deposit. Anyhoo...Hick was supposed to get that out of the safe for me last night. He did. He put two envelopes in my purse as I instructed him. "Them's what you was lookin' for, I think. They have Genius and CD on the envelope." Of course I trusted Hick's judgement. He's the one with the combination to the safe.

This morning I saw that the envelopes were marked with Genius and CD and 2015-16. The one that came due in October, and had money swapped out and a new one started. After a futile hour of looking in places other than the safe, because I don't have the combination, and Hick has the gall to WORK THREE DAYS A WEEK, I called the credit union and they said they'd just run a copy of theirs for me to sign so we could transfer Genius's money.

Anyhoo...by the time I got to the bank to put some of that money in Genius's account for expenses, I was not in a mood to dilly-dally. Val is only in the mood to dilly-dally when she's got a deadline to meet. Like April 15th. So...I was happy to see that there was only ONE car ahead of me in the drive-thru. There was another lane open, with a single car there as well. But I always choose the lane on the far right, because that other one is mostly for business accounts.

I should have known something would go wrong. It wasn't just a regular sedan ahead of me. It was a Hummer. An H3. The dude had pulled up past the canister-sucking contraption, and opened up his driver's door. I can understand that. A Hummer sits up pretty high. And these days, they make those cars with the windows like little slits. It's hard enough to try and rest your elbow coolly on the windowsill of that door while you're cruising through town. Your elbow is up above your head like you've severed a couple of fingers and need to keep the stubs elevated to prevent exsanguination. I know how hard it is to have my arm up there and try to bend it down to reach ATMs and drive-thru canisters in A-Cad. An H3 is even higher.

I waited. And waited. The H3 was turned off. I just knew Dude's business would be concluded any second. I had my deposit ready. And a check for $5.87 to cash, sent to me concerning my life insurance policy, I guess because Hick is not as near death as they'd first assumed, since his was the name referred to on the five forms that I didn't really understand. After four minutes, I noticed that the canister was sitting on the prongs, and Dude was just sitting sideways with his elbows on his knees.

DUDE! Crap or get off the pot! Drive your high-dollar toilet out of my way so I can start my transaction!

At that moment, Dude reached back, picked up the canister, took it inside his H3...and sat there. I have no idea what he was trying to do. But he then sent that canister back in. For another four minutes. It finally came out, and he took his time fetching it, emptying it, and starting up his Hummer. I swear. I think he was headed to Walmart so he could wait until his groceries were scanned to take out his checkbook and start writing.

Can you believe the bank employees didn't have that lane reserved for me with velvet ropes? This is why retired people can never seem to get anything done. People act like they have all the time in the world.

Oh, wait...

11 comments:

  1. I will not use those lanes...I don't trust that tube thingy.

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    1. Yeah. You'd better be careful. You might get your arm sucked up in there! Or something...

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  2. Val--If you didn't lose so much time at the bank, what would you be doing at home with that bit of extra time?

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    1. I didn't think that far ahead. As it was, I arrived at the gas station chicken store when they had just run out of chicken and were frying up more. They said it would be ready in 7 minutes.

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  3. You could have built your own shed!!

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    1. Nobody else is going to do it for me!

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  4. I like those tube thingies. I have twelve of them in a box in my garage. Just kidding.

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    1. Whew! For a minute there, I thought you'd been bartering with Hick by mail. And I was worried what you traded him. That bench you bought at the barbershop, maybe...

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    2. After much consideration I've decided I like that bench. Hick would be jealous.

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  5. I am not in charge of banking duties, thankfully. If HeWho is going to have a lot of transactions, he takes Eddie along to soften the blow. The tellers love to see him!

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    1. Sadly, it sounds like Eddie is now too big to fit into that tube thingy to send him inside for petting.

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