Friday, March 3, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #50 "What Now, Town Sal?"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week, Val brings you the mooooving story of a madam with a heart of gold, hair of silver, and a will of iron. You'll fall in love with it! Guaranteed, or your fake-money back! Help Val fatten up her fake bank account, and run with the herd to corral this tale from the trail.


What Now, Town Sal?

Sal Thethicktorian, supersleuth extraordinaire, researches her family tree. Her many-greats grandma, also named Sal, was a legend in the time of cattle drives and cow towns. Town Sal knew what itch those cowboys needed to scratch. Weeks on the trail made them none too particular about their paramours. Likewise, Town Sal accrued a stable of ladies with trouble acquiring suitors through regular channels. A quick roll in the hay was fine with them. Making money to stock their hopeful hope chests was a bonus.

With a stockyard as a front, Town Sal goes against the grain and builds a bordello full of plain ladies. "All cats look the same in the dark," says Sal. Will Sal's ladies of the dark be there with bells on to entertain the cowboys 'til the cows come home? Or will those cowpokes take one look at Sal's Gals, and shuffle off to buffalo? (149 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Marla Hooch, 2nd Basewoman for the Georgia Peaches..." I wish I had lived back in those days. This was quite an informative fake book. I learned a lot, like that time I found out about eyebrows--there should be two! The author hit a home run with this fake book."

Cowboy from 1880..."Sure I'd rather get the milk for free. But this is the next best thing. Town Sal's gals are easy on the pocketbook, if not so easy on the eyes. Not a waste of money like this future fake book."

MuuMuus, the Official Uniform of Sal's Gals..."We would like to report our immense approval of this fake book. There is a huge market for this bloated writing style, and it shouldn't be hard to find. The author's career, though, will never be quite this big." 

The Epilady Hair Removal Tool as Seen on TV..."Smooth move, Thevictorian, in fake-writing a fake book that barely touches upon the plight of the hirsute husband-seekers of the late 1800s. I may be splitting hairs, but you seem to have reached a niche market. Though your prose is more wiry than silky, at least you have exposed male pattern behavior. Sal's Gals could weave rings around you in the work ethic arena. I imagine that your sales will soon start receding, with Nair-y a chance of recovery."

Little Dogies..."Whoopie ti yi yo! It's our misfortune to fake-read this fake book. The cowboys should leave them heifers of Sal's alone and git us back to the trail! At this rate, Thevictorian will have another fake book out before we reach Wyoming."

Trail Boss..."Sal's Gals are a different brand o' heifer than what my boys is used to. There ain't but a couple of 'em what licks her own snot, and most of 'em don't seem to have no more 'n three stomachs. That there lady that fake wrote this fake book probly used to be one of Sal's Gals herself. How else would she know so much about it? I don't know if that makes her a good fake book writer, or just another old cow that thinks her patties don't stink."

New York Strip, Filet Mignon, T-Bone, Porterhouse..."This author's fake writing is tasteless. Her plot is as thin as a single slice of Arby's sandwich meat. She really needs to beef up the story in her next fake book, which we hope she doesn't butcher like this one. Don't throw away your fake money on this underdone effort. The stakes are too high."

10 comments:

  1. Even if you sold millions & millions (like McDonald's) that would still only be about 10 pounds of meat (also like McDonald's)!!

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    1. I should probably just aim for 5 pounds of meat, then!

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  2. Val--I used a form of "moooo" as well in my blurb, but I promise, I didn't read your blurb before I posted (and it's hot off the presses). I especially loved Marla's review. Two eyebrows--ha!) This week, we definitely did NOT go in the same direction. Thanks for playing along, as usual, and I'm sorry I was late. It was a horrendous week, as far as work hours.

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    1. I figure you didn't read it, since mine wasn't ready until 10:29 p.m. I think maybe you're like Hick, and turn into a pumpkin after 9:00.

      Unless you're staying up because there's a possible snow day on the way. Oops! Looks like we're not having any of those this year.

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  3. There's a lot of bull in this fake book. Enough to turn this reviewer into a vegetarian.

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    1. Well...you might reconsider, since according to fishducky, this artificial tome is not very meaty.

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  4. I would read this book in the same light as the cowboys have when they visit Sal's gals.

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    1. That is bound to make it better!

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  5. Makes me wonder what other secrets Sal dug up from her family tree.

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    1. Some things that are dug up can't be undug. Sal should be cautious with her excavations.

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