Friday, March 10, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #51 "The Car of Different Colors"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week, Val takes inspiration from the esteemed Ms. Dolly Parton, and gives you the story of a lad who set off from humble beginnings to seek his fortune in the music industry. Val herself is seeking a fortune, so cough up some spare fake change to fake-buy her latest fake book. Come on! Dig through the couch cushions. Be brave. Stick your hand up under the seats of the car. Don't be sendin' Val any petrified cheeseburgers! Do without your daily coffee purchase (but not 44 oz Diet Coke) and put that expendable income in Val's virtual pocket.

The Car of Different Colors

Wally Barton just hit the big time. His latest (and only) single is #12 on the country charts. He's been invited to perform at The Brand New Opry. It's a dream come true for Wally. He grew up so poor that the only time he ever got a good meal was Halloween, when kids egged his house.

The day he turns 18, Wally packs up his hooptie and heads for the city. He soon gets a job playing rhythm guitar and singin' the third, and makes friends with a boy named Sue, and a girl whose father toils in the anthracite business.

Wally is a bit nervous about his upcoming performance. He took a few liberties with a well-known classic, and he's afraid somebody from an older generation might recognize it. Will Wally be the next big thing? Or will he be handed his own ass in a plagiarism lawsuit? (150 words)

Lyrics for Wally's big song:

The Car of Different Colors

Back through old times I go wanderin' once again
Back to the era of my teens
I remember a box of parts someone gave us
And how my daddy put the parts to use

There was parts of different colors, and every one a scrap
I didn't have a car and without one I was crap
Daddy welded the parts together, weldin' every one with love
He made my car of different colors that I was so proud of

As he welded, he told a story from TV, then he assessed
How Dolly wore a coat of rags, but felt that she was blessed
"Perhaps this car will get you laid, or a simple girl to kiss,"
I couldn't wait to drive it, and Daddy christened it with a piss

My car of different colors that my daddy made for me
Made from only junk, but I drove it so proudly
Although I had no friends, 'cause I was stubborn as could be
I revved my car of different colors that my daddy made for me

So with scratches on my bumpers, holes in my floorboards
In my car of different colors, I flipped off those high school hordes
Cause I saw those punks a-laughing, and poking fun at me
In my car of different colors that my daddy made for me

I could understand that, since I sure was nowhere rich
I told them that my daddy was one ol' tough son of a bitch
And I told 'em of my daddy's hopes to help me get a girl
And why my car of different colors might help me make it in the world

They didn't understand it, though I tried to make them see
By backing up over their bikes, and looking out for me

It's true they filed some charges, for some pretty hefty fees
But the car of different colors, that my daddy made for me...
Enabled me to flee


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Dolly Parton..."Something about the theme of this fake book struck a chord with me. It takes a lot of talent to write this bad. I'd say Thevictorian is loaded with talent! Hey, Val! I know you're readin' this. If anybody calls you a sexist egotistical lying hypocritical writer...don't sweat it. We ALL know you're not a writer."

Johnny Cash..."This book would certainly make flames lick higher in a burning ring of fire. That's about the best thing I can say about it. I reckon life ain't easy for a writer-gal named Val. Does anybody know if she's going to Reno with her book tour?"

Loretta Lynn..."I know about as much about writin' books as I know about makin' a pie. Ya cain't let it get too salty, or ain't nobody gonna want to buy it. And a book cain't be too full of baloney, either, because...well...ha ha, you know what they say about baloney, dontcha? I don't think this here writer could find the right mix of salt and baloney to make this here fake book work." 

Sue..."Wally Barton is the luckiest guy I know! His dad gave him a car! Sure, it was made out of parts found at the side of the road after an accident, or liberated late at night from the curb of folks who done him wrong...but it's a CAR, man! All my daddy left me was an old guitar and an empty bottle of booze. This was a great story about a father's love for his son. I'm gonna buy a copy for my dad. I'll give it to him the next time I break a chair across his teeth and he cuts off a piece of my ear."

Former Classmate of Wally Barton..."That's my bike! I'll get you, Barton!"

Church Mouse..."The Bartons were poorer than me. I hope Thevictorian's story helps Wally get a nibble from an agent, so he can afford a pot to pee in."

Church Key..."Like myself, I see this fake author as obsolete. The only market for her fake books will be pretentious hipsters who, in wanting to appear different, all fall into the same category."


  1. I have a feeling that after writing this book you may be hearing a whistle blowing that just might torture you.

    1. Is is comin' round the bend? I've endured worse torture than that. You won't believe where Hick told me to go today!

  2. Maybe he'll be the second famous musician to play Folsom Prison, as an inmate.

  3. You changed Wally's name from Joseph. right? I remember this parable!!

    1. Wally and his amazing technicolor hooptie?

  4. Val--A blurb, song lyrics AND reviews? You outdid yourself this time.

    1. I wanted a clear head for Casinopalooza. I left no rustbucket unturned.