Yesterday after the weekly shopping trip, I was cooking up some chicken breasts while The Pony put away groceries.
"Oops! I need to wash my hands before touching anything else. I don't want to...uh...taint any other food with possible salmonella. I hesitate in using that word. Taint. You don't have any idea what else that means, do you?"
"YES! I know what it means. It's the area between the ballsack and the butthole."
"WHAT? Where did you hear THAT?"
"On a commercial. You saw it, too. You know. The one guy asks what you call the area between the ballsack and the butthole--"
"Do you HAVE to keep saying that?"
"I'm almost done. They argue if it's the landing strip or the taint. Then a woman comes in and they ask her. And that woman says, 'The coffee table.' Then the other guy looks at the first guy, and says, 'That joke was tainted.'"
"What commercial is THAT?"
"I don't know. It was on some show you were watching with me."
"I don't think so. They would never say those two words on regular TV. It would offend their demographic."
"That's where I heard it. On that commercial."
Let the record show that I consulted my BFF Google about commercial taint coffee table. And this is what I got. Which is no commercial that I'VE ever seen on regular TV. Further interrogation revealed that The Pony had seen it on YouTube, as an ad. Which he considers a commercial. Uh huh. That's his story and he's stickin' to it.
Anyhoo...we had been talking about colleges. The Pony was growing a bit contrary.
"I'm not trying to say you can't go far away from home. But how would you survive? You locked yourself out of the house only yesterday! What if you did that in Boston? In the winter? How would you survive?"
"Um. I would be living in a dormitory. So I wouldn't freeze."
"For four years?"
"Yeah. They do that there. At MIT."
"What if you drove your car to Walmart, and you locked your keys and your phone in there. Would you know what to do?"
"Easy. I'd open it with a tennis ball."
"How's that?"
"Cut a little notch in it and squeeze it. The air unlocks the door."
"Where would you get a tennis ball if your keys and phone were in the car?"
"From your classroom."
"WHAT?"
"In the cabinet. Where you keep the tennis balls."
"You won't be living HERE. You SAY."
"I would carry a tennis ball with me at all times."
"Oh. Is that a tennis ball in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
"Yeah. I'd always have three balls with me."
"I don't believe you just said that! NO. Never again."
"You, Mother Dear, have a dirty mind. I meant all three tennis balls in that tube."
A big-a** tube in his pocket?
ReplyDeleteAre those tennis balls or are you REALLY glad to see me?
Who would amuse the Pony if he moved far away?
I don't know who would amuse The Pony. But one thing I DO know: he really wouldn't care about helping them with anything. Like helping them out from under a fallen tree after a storm, or tossing them a lifesaver if they fell overboard. Nope. He would say, "Oh. I didn't know they needed help. That explains why no one has been amusing me lately."
DeleteYou reminded me of this from an old post. The Pony might enjoy it: My mother-in-law, Audrey, was brilliant. She graduated high school at 15, went to college & law school--& had to wait to take the bar exam because she wasn’t yet 21. There weren’t very many openings for female attorneys in those days, so she decided to take the civil service exam so she could get a job as a court clerk. The exam consisted of many, many questions—most of them having no bearing on her prospective job. She was not prone to sarcasm or profanity, but I guess she had had enough when she got to the question: “If the distance from the earth to the moon is approximately 1,256,640,000 feet & a ball of string has 750 feet of string, how many balls of string would it take to reach from the earth to the moon?” Her answer was “Balls & balls & balls--& that goes for the rest of your damn questions, too!!” I guess she was right. She got the job.
ReplyDeleteHeh, heh. She said BALLS!
Delete1,675,520...unless the string stretches further in space.
DeleteLaugh out loud funny! You two should take your show on the road.
ReplyDeleteWell...just so long as The Pony is not the one driving. He doesn't have his license yet, you know.
DeleteDamned kids are too smart for us.
ReplyDeleteAnd they KNOW IT!
DeleteI not only don't get the joke, I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
ReplyDeleteIs there a book for the coffee table?
No. No book for the coffee table, and no book that turns into a coffee table. But one of these dudes might possibly have said, in the throes of passion, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
DeleteThat is obscene!
DeleteThat boy has quite a twisted sense of humor. Wonder where he got it from.
ReplyDeleteStopping short of a DNA test, I would assume that The Pony picked that twisted gene up in the womb. His father, you know, was born without a funny bone.
Delete