Outie and Innie, See Val Find the PENNY

Why, for two cents... I'd write a blog post!

TUESDAY, September 3, I stumbled upon my rightful penny nearly by accident. Thank goodness I didn't actually stumble! That's because, to remain sure-footed, I'm always looking at the ground. When I came out of the School-Turn Casey's after my scratcher quest, I discovered this little treat in the shadow of the car parked next to T-Hoe.

I'm sure it was there on the way in. The car was, for sure. This was a heads-up 1990. The penny. Don't know about the car.

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THURSDAY, September 5, I found one of the rarest coins of all, The Gas Station Chicken Store penny!

I hardly ever find a coin in The Gas Station Chicken Store, even though I'm in there every day. This was a 2017 face-down penny, not even by the register.

The clerk greeted me by asking how I was doing, as I walked in. I spied my rightful penny, and said, "Great! I just found a lucky penny!" He then inquired further, "You're taking a picture of it? Do you mind if I ask why?" Can you believe that cheeky fellow? I didn't mind, and explained my collection to him. He'll think twice before he asks ME anything again!
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2019 Running Total
Penny     # 93, 94.
Dime      still at 16.
Nickel    still at 8.
Quarter   still at 4.

2018 TOTALS
Penny  131
Dime  17
Nickel  6
Quarter  1

2017 TOTALS (Started in March, 2017)
Penny  78
Dime   6
Nickel  0
Quarter  0
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Val's Malaprop Comments Sock Pile 09-06-19

I'm always astounded (and usually highly amused) at the way some people manage to misinterpret common phrases. I've been compiling a file of those that make me titter. Every now and then, when Hick fails to provide me with a topic I'm too lazy to write up one of Hick's adventures, I will trot out some of these unmined gems. My latest favorite is...

SOCK PILE

I was reading comments on a YouTube video about Madonna and her skin care products. In her commercial, Madonna does a voice-over saying that she went looking for "the perfect clay" and "found it in an active volcano." Pardon me. I fell out of my rolly chair while laughing. That image of Madonna inside a live volcano, taking clay samples, sent me into hysterics. But that's not the prime cut of language that astounds me.

A commenter mentioned that everyone knows volcanoes require a sacrificial virgin, and further inquired, "What? Does Madonna keep a sock pile of them?"
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I think this next one came from the UK Daily Mail. The article had something to do with Al-Waleed bin Kalal. There was a picture of him at Prince William and Kate's wedding. The commenter suspected that this guest was packing a concealed weapon.

"The corrupt prince look like his hand is fake. Prolly cuz his hidden hand has an oozy in it!"
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Also in the UK Daily Mail, somebody impolitely declared that a daughter of a former President looked like she had a reseeding hairline.
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I don't remember this source, or the context, but "They just made Chu Chu train noises" made me smile.
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Though I would have spelled it differently, I tend to agree with this next comment of:
"I don't wear makeup, high hill's, or dresses."
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Hey, they can't all be knee-slappers.

Hick's Stained Reputation

Let the record show that Hick has been doing a good job on staining the porch. He let it go for 21 years, but now it's gotta be done, by cracky!

His original plan was to use his sprayer. After all, he'd made an extra trip a while back to reclaim it from HOS's (Hick's Oldest Son's) clutches after Hick House became HOS House. Being Hick, he didn't take into consideration that the wind was blowing like a CAT 5 hurricane that day. I know, because it slammed the garage door onto my face while I was carrying in groceries while Hick sat on his scooter.

Anyhoo... Hick had decided while I was shopping that the sprayer was not the way to go. So he drove to his Storage Unit Store and brought home his scooter. He called it something else. Perhaps, "My stool." Which is something I should have used in his Thomas Jefferson comparison yesterday!

I complimented Hick on the progress of his staining. I must have been delirious from that door smacking my head. I am not a master stainer, but I supposed out loud that perhaps there was a better way to apply the stain than with the brush Hick was using.

 "Maybe a bigger brush would be more efficient? Or a roller."

"I was actually using my sprayer, but it wasted so much stain. It went everywhere! I drove to town to get my stool, so I could sit down and use a brush. I thought I had a bigger brush over in the BARn, but I couldn't find it. I didn't want to drive to town to buy one, so I used this one."

The stain makes a big difference. Just the power-washing made a big difference! Hick has done more of the porch by now, but I don't have pictures of it.

I'm not sure what he's painting with, either. I think a trip to town for a bigger brush would have taken less time than painting with that dainty thing. Hick's BBQ brush is wider than that!

I Spy, With My Ironically-Challenged Eye

Let the record show that Val has never quite been able to master irony. To her, the definition is as amorphous as a gossamer doily stretched over a sleeping ghost. Without her resident irony-checker, The Pony, to consult with a shout from her dark basement lair to the gaming couch, Val is left to her own devices.

I'm pretty sure the details I am about to reveal constitute irony.

Remember when Hick proudly showed off one of his auction treasures? One that I was not enamored of. The one I called Thomas Jefferson Sitting on a Boot Taking a Crap.

Ol' Tom is the first thing I thought of when I came home from town and saw Hick with a paintbrush, treating our freshly-powerwashed porch boards with stain.

We don't need to tell Hick the real reason I took his picture. He thinks it's to show off his porch. No fancy coattails for Hick, and hopefully he's not taking a crap.

I will call my portrait "Hick Sitting on a Scooter Not-Taking a Crap."

I Got 35 Problems and a Glitch is One

Val was dealing with money issues last week. Juggling a total of $35 worth of problems.

First cat out of the bag, I got a letter from my bank saying that they had found no basis for my claim of getting $140 out of the ATM, rather than the $160 I requested. AS IF I would go through all that to scam $20 from my bank of 30 years! I guess that car I saw at the ATM while I was in the drive-thru line to report the issue actually came out $20 ahead that day. I guess that might be why they rushed off as if the ATM was broken. Oh, well. Whatcha gonna do? I reported the truth, and was denied my rightful cash. It's out of my control. I guess my trust in technology has been destroyed...

In other news, Even Steven attempted (or tempted me) to remedy the situation.

Wednesday, I headed for the School Turn Casey's after the Walmart shopping. I buy scratchers there if I'm in the neighborhood, but I won't make a special trip over there for that purpose alone. On this day, the parking situation was a three-ring circus without a ringmaster. I considered not stopping, but only briefly.

Once inside, a cheery old lady clerk took my two winners, which added up to $10. I asked for 5 tickets, the $5 ones. So that was $25 worth of scratchers, with $10 credit for the winners. That meant I owed her $15.

Cheery Old Lady scanned my purchases, and subtracted the winners. I handed her a twenty to pay. She got all flustered. "Oh. I must have done something wrong."

"I owe you $15. I bought $25 worth, and cashed in $10."

Cheery Old Lady smiled. Then took my twenty, opened the drawer, and handed me my change. I folded it and put it in my pocket, not thinking. After navigating my way out of that parking lot, something was gnawing at my brain. Something was off. I was running through that ticket purchase.  I made a left turn onto the lake road, and reached into my shirt pocket. A TEN and a FIVE. That couldn't be right.

I thought it over again. I should only have gotten back $5. I had owed $15, and handed her a twenty. Yet she had given BACK $15. Well. That was wrong. That wouldn't do. Should I go back?

Let the record show that by now, I was past the railroad tracks by the shooting range. It was two-lane blacktop over to Backroads. Nowhere to turn around. I had my cold groceries in T-Hoe's rear. I was expecting to hear from my insurance representative after lunch. It was now 11:48. Dang it! It would be easiest to forget the whole thing. Not my problem.

But it WAS my problem! That wasn't my rightful money. Cheery Old Lady had been so nice. Her drawer would come up short. She'd have to pay. Maybe she'd get fired! I didn't need that extra ten dollars. It wasn't mine. DANG IT!

At the outskirts of Backroads, I proceeded over the railroad tracks by the lake. There! I could make a U-turn in the dirt parking lot where the cop car sometimes sits.

Yeah. I turned around. Headed back to Casey's with that excess change. It was going to cost me five miles and ten minutes to go back. Then another five miles and ten minutes to get back to this point again. But that was the right thing to do

Cheery Old Lady WAS NOT THERE! It was a big red-headed dude. I've seen him working before. Oh, crap. I'd have to explain to him. What guarantee was there that he'd give the money to Cheery Old Lady? What if he pocketed the cash? Oh, well. It would be out of my hands. I was doing what I could.

I explained the situation to Big Red. He said, "Do you have your receipt?"

WHO KEEPS A RECEIPT FOR SCRATCHERS? Not this ol' Val. They don't even give you the receipt unless you ask for it.

"No. I was just here. About 10 minutes ago, buying lottery tickets."

"I saw you."

"I bought five of the $5 tickets."

Big Red started rolling back the cash register tape. He found the purchase. "It says you got $15 change."

"YES! But I was only SUPPOSED to get $5. I bought $25 worth, cashed in $10 in winnings, and paid with a twenty. I GOT TOO MUCH MONEY BACK!"

"Oh. And you want to give it back?"

"Yes. I drove all the way back over here from Backroads. It's not mine. I don't want the register to come up short."

By this time, Cheery Old Lady had come out of the back room. She looked a little nervous.

"You gave me too much change, so I brought it back."

I handed Big Red the ten, and turned to leave.

"Thank you! That is a good customer right there! Most people would not have done that." Cheery Old Lady sang my praises.

"It's off my conscience now!"

Seriously. I didn't go back seeking praise. I went back because it was the right thing to do.

So, I was out the $20 the ATM robbed me of, but I almost had a gift of $10 in improper change. I did the right thing, for which it turns out I was handsomely rewarded. Literally. Read on.
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Alternate Title: "Two Wrongs Don't Make It Right"
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Let the record show that three of my five tickets were winners. $15, $15, and $100

It may look like PacMan only won $55, but as you'll see, the $5 prize was paired with a 10X.

Partly Rowdy, Chance of Gain

Hick and I have no holiday plans. He's been hawking his merchandise at his Storage Unit Store all weekend, and sees no reason to stop on Monday. He came up with the great idea to use his new grill for hamburgers and bratwursts on Monday evening. I'm kicking in some homemade potato salad and beans.

Perhaps I've neglected to mention our new grill. Gassy G went to live on a farm somewhere (with one of Hick's storage unit buddies), since he was no longer able to get fired up. Our new grill is Gassy G-Lite. He's half the size of his predecessor, but really all we need. Besides, he arrived new in the box, and not in the back of the truck, fresh from the auction.

Hick's interest in grilling might have been spurred by the smell of our neighbors. The dogs were going crazy after Hick left for the auction Saturday night, so I stuck my head out the front door. The humid air was redolent with the scent of smoky meat. Mmm. My nose left my mouth disappointed.

The neighbor down by Hick and Buddy's Badly Blacktopped Hill was having a shindig. I'd seen about 10 cars there when I came home from town. Assorted folks leaning on the back of a pickup, sipping adult beverages. There was also a big commercial truck with a man-lift bucket, painted with a sign company logo. I assume when they got good and likkered-up, somebody was going up on the barn roof to replace some bent tin.

As with most shindigs out here, the guests were having a blast riding assorted off-road vehicles. The blue chest cooler bungee-ed to the front of a four-wheeler was a nice touch. All Hick ever put on ours was a milk crate (bigger than the one he nailed to the front of the house that Christmas for UPS). Anyhoo...the constant ORV traffic was getting the dogs excited, because neighbor dogs were running along with them. I was more excited by the smell of that barbecue.

In other news, Hick says The Veteran wants to rent our for-sale camper trailer for next weekend.

"Why would he want to do that? Maybe he thinks you'll just offer to let him use it."

"Well, he asked to RENT it, so I'm looking up the going rate for renting a camper that size."

"How many people are going?"

"I don't know."

"Will he bring it back clean enough for your satisfaction? You spent months cleaning it. At least that was your excuse for not having it up there on the lot to sell before summer was mostly over."

"Yeah. I'm sure he'll clean it. Or I'll tell him to!"

"I guess it doesn't really matter. It's insured, right?"

"Yeah. We have insurance on the camper."

"So the worst that could happen, if it gets crushed, is that we get our money out of it without selling it. I don't see any problem in renting it to him for the weekend. It won't cost us anything. But you give me the money! I'll put it in the camper fund while we're waiting for it to sell."

"I'll give you the money, Val."

You can't be too careful giving Hick specific instructions with regard to money.

Building a Dynasty With Good Will

Hick picked up some new Goodwill merchandise for his Storage Unit Store when we left the casino last week.

He got the student guitar (the brown one) for $6, and the three dinosaurs for $1 apiece. He got the blue student guitar (also for $6) at the auction the previous weekend. He tried to describe the cartoon characters to me before taking this picture. Once he mentioned "Ferb," I knew it had to be Phineas and Ferb. I never saw an episode, but The Pony used to watch it way back when it was new.

Anyhoo... I asked Hick what he was asking for his dinosaurs, and he said, "I sold them yesterday, right after I took the picture. I sold a guitar, too!"
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Not many units were open on Friday. Hick saw a lady coming along with a little boy and two little girls. "I ran and got my all my dinosaurs, to move them up front. I thought, 'I'm gonna sell those dinosaurs to this lady.' Sure enough, she came over and asked how much I wanted. I said $2 each, or $20 for the lot. There was 11 or 12 of them all together. She said, 'I'll take them all.' Them kids was happy."

The guitar sold on Saturday. I figured it was the blue one, after a kid saw it, but Hick said he sold the brown guitar. "There was this man and woman looking at stuff for their grandkids. The woman wanted the guitar, but the man said it wouldn't be right for the grandson. I said, 'It would be perfect as a guitar for a kid up to about 11 or 12.' I was asking $12 for it. The man kept telling the woman no. Then he found a knife he wanted, which was also $12. He said, 'What price can I get if I buy the knife and the guitar?' I told him, '$20 and they're yours!' He agreed. So I made $8 on that deal."
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"Has that little old lady ever come back? The one you're trying to trick by moving your eggnog bowl and cups?"

"She was there today!"

"Did she come in? Did she find the eggnog bowl and get mad at you?"

"She came in. I told her, 'I've got a surprise for you.'"

She said, 'Don't tell me you sold that eggnog bowl!'

I said, 'No. But a guy was walking around out here yesterday with one of those bowls with a handle and a spout! Like you were looking for. If I'd a-known you'd be in today, I would have chased him down and bought it.'

She said, 'Did it have a lid?'

'I told her no, and she said she needs one with a lid. She IS looking for that spout bowl for her mixer.'"

"Well, at least she wasn't mad about you moving the eggnog bowl."

"No. She found it when she went on looking in the back. She did buy a couple of things."
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Hick's barber gave him a bicycle. For free. Sure, it's a pink girl's bicycle. It's not like Hick was going to ride it. He parked it out front of his Storage Unit Store.

"There was a lady came in with her two daughters and four grandkids. She bought two bags of toys. They're $4 a bag. Just assorted toys that I bagged up. One of the little girls was looking at the bike. It works, but the rims are a little rusty.

The grandma said, 'Do you think you can ride that bike?' And the little girl said she thought she could.

I said, 'You can take that bicycle with you. No charge.' They were going to walk around and shop some more. On their way out, the grandma came back for the bicycle. She tried to give me $5 for it. Had it in her hand.

She said, 'Here. I wish you'd take this.'

I said, 'No. Somebody gave that bicycle to me. I didn't pay anything for it. Now I'm giving it to you.' She still wanted me to take the money, but I wouldn't. A couple standing next to my store heard the whole thing. After she left, the man said, 'That was a really nice thing to do.' I told him, 'It was given to me, so I just gave it to someone I thought could use it.'"
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One of these days, there might be a HickMart coming to your town...