The Popular Hick Gets Another Nighttime Phone Call

We were in the middle of watching Survivor on Wednesday night when Hick's phone rang. I had to turn down the TV volume so he could hear his phone. Which meant that I could also hear his phone conversation, since Hick needs a traveling Garrett-Morris-style interpreter for the hard-of-hearing.

It was a woman from the senior apartments, asking permission to light a fire. Just four logs. She was planning to have three friends come over. I guess they would each have their own log, heh, heh! The whole plan sounded sketchy to me. Hick assured her it would be fine, but he needed to bring a metal saw to cut the chain, and he would do it tomorrow. Obviously, there were some details to which I was not privy.

"What in the world? Does she have a fireplace?"

"No. She wants to light a fire out back, in the fire pit. They want to roast some marshmallows. I said it's fine, but I have to cut a chain."

"Why is there a chain on a fire pit?"

"The old guy who died, who was there before me, had his grill chained to the fire pit so nobody would steal it."

"How can you chain something to a fire pit? Isn't it just a circle of bricks? What does the chain hook on?"

"It's an old-timey fire pit, Val. It's that shape."

"You have told me nothing! WHAT shape? Where does the chain go?"

"It's square. With a chimney up the back."

"Still not understanding the chain thing."

"Through the metal!"

"You mean it has a grill? A grill chained to a grill?"

"Like at a campground. There's metal to lay the meat on."

"Oh. So it's like, a metal rack cemented into the sides of the thing you called a fire pit, that is actually a grill? With another grill chained to it?"

"Yes. You cain't understand nothin'!"

Anyhoo... on Thursday afternoon, Hick reported that he had freed the fire pit from the grill by using a jigsaw.

"You used a SAW? How thick was that chain??? At school, the janitors just used a bolt cutter to clip through the loops of a padlock. Surely the chain wasn't thicker than a padlock."

"No. But I don't have bolt cutters. I DO have a jigsaw. Now they can roast their marshmallows."

I imagine those ladies are going to make a night of it on Saturday, watching a fireworks display at the top of Main Street. There's a big fundraiser going on all day Saturday, with the street blocked, and vendors, and a cruise with old cars, culminating in fireworks. You'd think Hick would know about that, and put 2 and 2 together, since he inserts himself into everything SENIOR in the town.

Now Hick is going to want bolt cutters. I'm pretty sure. I don't know what's going to happen to the old man's grill, now that it's been unchained.