Friday, May 26, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #62 "This Boot Was Made for Clompin'"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Sit down and take a load off. Fill up that Clairol Foot Fixer that your kids gave you for Christmas back in the late '70s (if you didn't re-gift it, that is) and immerse yourself in Val Thevictorian's latest fake book. It's a shoe-in for literary honors, and you're sure to get a kick out of it. Fake-order yours today!

This Boot Was Made for Clompin'

Claude Hopper is an old sole. He's been kickin' around for a long time, and is pert near pushin' up cacti. Claude has slowed down so much that moss is growing on his north side. But he continues to work. You'll never catch Claude in retirement. His life might have unraveled in ways that Claude never anticipated, but he stuck out his tongue and dug in his heels and put his foot down. He has pulled himself up by his own bootstraps.

Folks tread lightly around Claude. He has a will of iron and toes of steel. Nobody dares comment on Claude's new love, Bistro, a sweet Croc one-tenth his age, who is quite graphic, and not afraid to get down and dirty. Will Bistro let her strap down for Claude? Or will she spurn him for a suitor who will walk all over her? (145 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Dr. Scholls..."I must stand firm and insert my opinion. Something about this story and these characters just doesn't gel for me. The plot falls flat, and I predict that this author will get very little support." 

Penny Loafers..."We don't see the benefit of this whole work thing. People give us walking-around money. Looks like this fake author did not research her premise." 

Mary Jane..."Like me, Claude's name defines a generation's footwear. Sadly, mine has taken on more seedy connotations. I am no longer a shining example for little girls on their way to Sunday school. Upon reflection, I wish I could restore my reputation. I couldn't help selling the rights to my name. I was strapped, I tell you! Maybe this Thevictorian woman can help me tell my own story. On second thought...that's about as appetizing as a pair of used shoes from the Goodwill Store."

Mukluks..."This fake book leaves us cold! The mind of Thevictorian must be akin to a vast, frozen wasteland."

Bruno Maglis..."We're not saying she did it. But if she DID fake-write this fake story, Thevictorian needs to be locked up, and the key thrown away. If she can't depict, you must convict! See that Val Thevictorian never fake-writes another fake book!"

Topsiders..."Claude! Get a grip, you big lug! We thought you were thick-soled, and immune to the feminine wiles. Oh, well. Whatever floats your boat. We hope you're not in for stormy seas. Can't say the same for the author, though! It won't be the first time the word "squall" has been associated with Thevictorian."

Odor Eaters..."Claude, we would be honored to feast upon your effluence. You are an American classic. It's the fake writing of that Thevictorian woman that stinks!" 

The Toe-Tapping Shoe in the Opening Credits of My Three Sons..."Doo doo doo DOOOO, doo doo doo DOOOO...That's what this fake book is! A steaming pile of DOOO-DOOO!"

The Good Feet Store..."We would like to partner with Thevictorian, and sell her fake book on the counter of our fine establishment. After all, anybody who would wear a pair of shoes like Claude would likely be in need of our services. AND, anybody who would pay $1000 for shoe inserts is likely stupid enough to purchase this fake book."

Cole Porter..."I wish I could say that I get a kick out of Thevictorian. But I more strongly wish that I could KICK Thevictorian for giving us this poor excuse for a fake book. It is most certainly NOT de-lovely, nor delightful, nor delicious. I guess she just assumed anything goes in the world of literature."

 The Cast of STOMP..."We must put our feet down and declare that this fake book is a piece of garbage! It's rubbish! Trash! We've bin trying to tell as many people as we can. Don't buy this fake book! On the other hand...we'd like to invite Thevictorian to join our act. We could make beautiful music together. She's a portly gal, and probably emits a nice resonance when struck."


  1. Tread carefully, Claude, tread carefully.

    1. Wise advice! Poor Claude doesn't want to be caught with his tongue hanging out, doing too much thinking about undone laces.

  2. Claude had better watch out, Bistro could stomp on his heart and walk away with his retirement.

    1. Yes. She could crush Claude's sole under her heel and walk away, never looking back.

  3. Odor eaters, The Good Feet area hoot. These cracked me up.

    1. Thanks! Glad you got a kick out of them.

  4. How did you find a fake publisher for this fake book? It's certainly not a shoe in for any literary award!!

    1. I had to think out-of-the-shoebox to find this fake publisher.