Pulling Myself Up by My Own Crocs Straps:
The Story of Nick Thethicktorian
Nick Thethicktorian can give you the business like nobody's business! He's a man with a plan. And an entrepreneur full of manure. Nick's main moneymaker is his theme park, Nick's Sheddytown and Used Gewgaw Emporium. Besides giving tours, swapping antiques/junk, and concessioning his wife Sal's tasty creations (try the Broccocaulipeppot* if you dare)...Nick also sells unattended children to the circus, shirts and shoes** to those without who wish to be served, and takes bribes from those he refuses service to.
Read about Nick's humble upbringing and even humbler career in "Pulling Myself Up by My Own Crocs Straps: The Story of Nick Thethicktorian."
*A tasty Styrofoam bowl of broccoli, cauliflower, sweet banana pepper rings, baked potato, and Velveeta cheese, microwaved just enough to melt it. The cheese. Not the Styrofoam bowl. Hopefully.
**Get your own pair of camouflage Crocs and strap in your heels, baby! (145 words)
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Fake Reviews
for Val’s Fake Book
Burma Shave Sign...
"They oughta burn
This fake book.
And throw in jail
Thevictorian. CROOK!"
Burma Shave Sign...
"They oughta burn
This fake book.
And throw in jail
Thevictorian. CROOK!"
Tahoe Side Mirror..."Fake books written by Thevictorian are worser than they appear."
Stop Sign..."I'm pretty sure I speak for myself, no wordy review needed. If you feel the urge to fake-buy Thevictorian's fake book...take my heed."
Slippery When Wet Sign..."Right now the publisher is planning a new print run with ME on the cover, in order to avoid lawsuits. Except I say 'Gibberish You Get.'"
Railroad Crossing Sign..."I wish I could be on the cover of Thevictorian's fake book. You think these two Rs stand for railroad? Nope. In Thevictorian's case, they represent Rotten Reading."
Right Shoulder Closed Sign..."The Road Sign Store called. They're all out of ME. People are buying me because their shoulders need time to dry out, since their friends who fake-read Thevictorian's fake book bawled and slobbered all over them after throwing away their fake money."
Blue and White Lodging Sign..."People used to think I represented a highway exit where you could find a room to sleep overnight. Now they associate me with the comatose state that people fall into when trying to finish Thevictorian's fake book."
The Hollywood Sign..."It's all I can do to keep from jumping, after hearing that Thevictorian's fake book has been fake-optioned for a fake movie."
Las Vegas Welcome Sign ..."Right now, my bottom (heh, heh, I said bottom) is being painted with the additional phrase 'EXCEPT FOR YOU, THEVICTORIAN!'"
Myrtle Beach Welcome Sign..."I hear ya, Bro!"
U.S. Route 66 Sign..."If anyone ever needed to get kicks, it's Val Thevictorian for fake-writing this fake book. And I don't mean the kind of kicks that express entertainment."
Oh, that's a croc!
ReplyDeleteYour insight is remarkable, sir!
DeleteBooks like this make one wish Gutenberg hadn't developed printing.
ReplyDeleteHeh, heh! That gave me an audible chuckle.
DeleteI read the reviews and almost bought one just to see if it was as bad as everyone was saying, but I lost my money in the gravel somewhere.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. Even Steven will hook you up with some more fake funds when you least expect it.
DeleteOne time a guy came up beside me in Save A Lot while I was boxing my groceries, and tried to put a wad of bills (the MONEY kind) in my hand. I turned to give him the stinkeye for his forwardness, and he said, "Oh. You're not who I thought you were."
A less-principled woman (faster on her feet) might have taken that money and run.
Shoving it into the right hands I could see it running out the door.
DeleteI don't know about the book, but melted Velveeta, a delicious cheese like product, tastes good on anything!
ReplyDeleteWell, then. You'll want the EXTRA-large Broccocaulipeppot. I think it might be available in the 44 oz size!
DeleteVal--This book is REAListic fiction, right?
ReplyDeleteI can't quite put my finger on it, but something about this plot sounds familiar.
Maybe I was tutored by the "Million Little Pieces" guy. In reverse.
DeleteWell you have topped yourself. or maybe toppled. Heed the signs.
ReplyDeleteWell...if this sign is to be believed...let the record show that I typed up this week's fake book FAST! 40 minutes from start to finish.
DeleteThat might explain a lot.
I'd be interested in tasting Sal's dish! Plus I know some children that should probably be steered that way...LOL
ReplyDeleteThat dish is a tasty winter staple around here! As for the children...well, that might be doing the circus AND the rest of humankind a favor.
Delete