Saturday, April 1, 2017

That Weirdo Rubbed Me the Wrong Way

Okay, maybe there is no RIGHT way for a weirdo to rub you. Perhaps I'll consult my fellow Weirdo Magnet, blog buddy Linda, to get her opinion. I don't think HER casino weirdo touched her. I don't think I'd want to be the weirdo to try it and see if she minded.

Anyhoo...on Sunday, Genius drove up from college town to pick me up and head for the casino. On the way, we made a short detour to get his buddy, Friend, who graduated in December, and just started work in the real world last week. What better way to relax on the weekend than gamble, I say!

We headed for the closest casino, down by the river. Okay. I guess they're all on a river, hearkening back to the dark days of Missouri gaming when only RIVERBOAT casinos were allowed. Some of them even made a pretense of cruising every two hours. Others just built themselves on a floating platform and called themselves a boat. Oh, and there used to be a LOSS LIMIT every two hours. Can you believe it? What in the Not-Heaven were they thinking?

Genius, my trusty chauffeur (I didn't make him wear a cap, but that's a thought for the future, since he used to complain about this kid he didn't really like [but whom I enjoyed--due to his dry sense of humor] in his class at school, who wore Newsboys hat) tried to hijack A-Cad and keep on truckin' down to the richy-rich-sounding casino downtown. Nope. Not for me. My favorite gambling aunt doesn't like it, so that's not-good-enough for me.

"Well, I'm DRIVING, you know. What can you do about it?"

Genius talks a big game until he's reminded that I still hold the gambling bankrolls. Heh, heh!

"Oh, I don't know. I guess I can enjoy myself on all this money that I won't be giving you to spend there."

"Aw...I was just kidding."

"Sure. You can go there sometime on your own money."

"Well, that's not going to happen!"

Heh, heh. It's all fun and games until somebody loses their bankroll before they even gamble.

I did consent to spending only a couple hours at our casino, long enough to have a burger on my $15 food credit coupon. And play my $10 free play money on my player's card. THAT didn't take long. It was free money, you know. So I went into the high limit room to a $5 machine. Oh, come on! I didn't squander it! I only played ONE CREDIT! So I got TWO spins. As you might have guessed...I did not win on those two spins.

Friend was having a good day. Every time he sat down at a machine, he hit on the first few spins. I took over his machine when he left (the ex-mayor taught me a thing or two about winning). I did okay, and was only down $10 by the time we had our burgers. We decided to stay another half hour before heading to Hollywood. I haven't been there in years, and the boys had never been there.

Genius took me to try some Quick Hits before we left. It was quick, all right. But without the hitting. So they wandered off, and I tried a couple of dollar machines. It didn't help that Genius and Friend soon reappeared, and were watching over my shoulder. They weren't the only ones.

"Huh! There went my twenty! I'm going to play a twenty in this one right next to it, and then we'll go."

I hate it when people watch over my shoulder. Not somebody I know. Strangers. Really strange strangers. Weirdos. There was a scrawny dude in a jean jacket, and his blowsy, bleachy-haired, Christine-McVie-gone-to-seed, woman breathing down my neck. I could tell they were just waiting for me to get up from that machine. I wish my sister the ex-mayor's wife and her four monkeys and fake Hick husband had been there. Sis would NOT have put up with that!

I moved to the machine on the left. It was on a round thingy, but we were still right next to Peckerwood Mac as they started to play. I almost lost my just-eaten fabulous burger. Those two were sickening. They were practically drooling when they sat down. Peckerwood fed the machine a twenty. "I'm gonna put this right in here, baby."

"Yeah!" Mac flipped her bleachy hair and leaned forward on her stool. She took her left palm and RUBBED all across the screen before pushing the button.

The boys and I were dumbfounded. Speechless. Mesmerized. Sickened. I shot Friend a glance, and his mouth was hanging open in shock.

"Come on, baby!" Peckerwood liked to encourage his woman.

Mac pushed the bet max button, and I'll be ding-dang-donged if that machine didn't hit three triple-bars. "Yeah! That's the way we like it!" She rubbed the screen again.

I lost my twenty as fast as I could so we could get out of there.

"ACK! Could you believe those two?"

"I KNOW!" Friend agrees with me way more often than Genius. "When she rubbed that screen, I wanted to say, 'Ooh, that's so gross!' But then she WON! So I wondered if maybe I should do that next time."

I'm sure nobody at either casino had anything disparaging to say about US.


  1. Replies
    1. Experiencing casino weirdos through me...just one more public service Val Thevictorian offers!

  2. Aren't you glad that she rubbed the machine screen with her hand .... and not her breasts? I mean, it could have been worse. People do strange things when they gamble. I would have left, too. One can only handle so much weirdness.

    1. ACK! ACK! Uh, uh! Nobody actually does they?

  3. I know a lot of gamblers have quirks, but rubbing the screen sounds a bit much.

  4. And aren't you glad she rubbed the screen after you left the machine? God only knows where those hands have been... and what those hands have been doing...

    1. YES! And of all the days...I forgot my mini bottle of Germ-X at home, because I switched to my new lottery purse!

  5. Oh I've encountered weirder weirdos who rub their body parts first, tap-tap-tap AND smear screens, then beat the heck out of the play buttons. Nobody has touched me yet, at least not in an offensive way. A little old lady on a walker was trying to get up and scoot to the next machine when I slid my 60 cent ticket in. She looked as if I had struck her. I said, "My money will be gone before you move over." Then I helped her scoot over. She said, "Well aren't you nice? You did your good deed for the day." My good deed was not returned with a jackpot, I might add, but I'm sure somewhere int he wild blue yonder, my tally marks are adding up, unlike my wins.

    1. Even Steven should keep good records.

      That little lady weirdo who pushed a button on my machine DURING A BONUS ROUND at Riverwind Casino in Norman, Oklahoma, nearly got backhanded for her boldness. I threw out my arm reflexively to get her hand off my button, and had she not taken a step back, contact was imminent.

      Good thing I didn't inadvertently commit battery. Hick had probably lost all of my potential bail money by then.