Friday, December 2, 2016

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #37 "Whizzer Warns a Witness"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This weak week's plot will have you howling with glee as a four-legged protagonist exacts revenge on a ne'er-do-well who's threatening his human. Jump up on the couch, turn around three times, and bury your face in Val's latest fake book. Of course you'll have to buy it first!

You're in for a treat if you dig up your fake money and order this fake book today! The mailman will have it to your door in no time. Stop chasing your tail and fetch this tome from the mailbox. Balance it on your nose for a minute...wait...WAIT...NOW! Flip it in the air and get to reading!

Whizzer Warns a Witness

Whizzer has PTSD. It stems from that ex-ex-con who wanted him off his trail. "You'll back off if you know what's good for you, doggie! You put me away again, and I'll see that you have your balls handed to you!" Now Whizzer has a little incontinence problem. He's on Doggie Disability.

Whizzer's new foster father, Tim, doesn't care. "Who DOESN'T leak a little pee every now and then, huh Whiz? You've got a home here as long as you need one. Or until..." Tim has been subpoenaed as a federal grand jury witness. Lately he's been hearing things at night. Finding the same car parked down the street with a guy texting as he leaves the house.

Can loyal Whizzer pull off a canine witness protection program? (128 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Mr. Wilson..."This author is as dangerous a menace as that little boy next door! I'd sooner have Chicklets for front teeth, and stop a flaming marshmallow with my forehead, than fake-read this fake book again. This fake book needs less time to be admired than the titan arum, and stinks 100 times as much!"

Gretchen Wilson, Redneck Woman…"Does this fake book suck, or what? This author could set literacy back a whole century. Let me hear a big 'Not-Heaven Yeah!' from the redneck gals like me."

Flip Wilson…"What you see is what you get. Not much, huh? This fake book is not worth the fake paper that it's fake-printed on. I don't know what excuse this fake  author can come up with, other than maybe the devil made her do it.”

Wilson the volleyball..."I don'te see a spike in sales for this one. No publishers are going to court this Thevictorian loser. Someone needs to block any future efforts before she is set to lob another fake book our way. Can ya dig me?"

Wilson Phillips…Carnie and Wendy: "HOLD ON, there, Phillips! Nobody's listening to you! Nobody here cares about YOUR opinion. Give it up, Thevictorian! The dream is dead! You'll never be an author. Not even a FAKE one if your own DAD was a famous author about a million years ago.”

Ann Wilson & Nancy Wilson…"Dogs and butterflies both have more writing talent than this hack. This fake book makes us feel like a barracuda that wants to go crazy on you. If looks could kill, we would slay Thevictorian forthwith.”

Rita Wilson..."About all this Thevictorian woman is suited for is being a companion to my husband on a deserted island. No, not even that. A volleyball could fake-write a better fake book than her! Nobody will cry if Thevictorian is ever lost at sea."

Owen Wilson..."You know, once there was this really, really good book about a dog and his dude. So good that people thought it should be made into a movie. The name of it escapes me now, but it wasn't THIS fake book!"

Wilson, Neighbor of Tool Time's Tim Taylor…"This fake author needs to hide her head in shame. There aren't enough fences in the world to protect us from this garbage."


Patrick Warburton, AKA David Puddy..."I wish MY name was Wilson. I fake-read this fake book for nothing. I don't even get an official review. I'm going to paint my face like a devil, put on my 8-ball jacket, shine up the Jesus fish on my bumper, and go tell that Thevictorian woman where she's going. Yeah, that's right. She better not bring her car to my shop to be worked on."


  1. Puddy would say to Flip, "The DEVIL! The DEVIL! The DEVIL made me do it!"

    Poor Whizzer. Everybody--even Poppi--pees now and then on the couch or on the floor.

    1. How could I forget Poppi???

      I bow down to your superior reference, Madam. He was indeed a urinator to be reckoned with. And not for peeing in the health club shower.

  2. This fake book has me on the edge of my seat with shaky legs. I gotta how it ends.

    Also this fake author owes us 22 words.

    1. Unless your middle name is Wilson (but I suspect it's Poppi), I am not listening to your fake review! Tra-la-la-la, fingers in ears, not listening to you by way of my eyes.

      The 150 word criteria is an upper limit, you non-Wilson! I might just give you TWO words next week to show you who's boss. Not that I have a short temper or anything...

  3. I'd like to see "Wilson" from Castaway in Whizzer's mouth.

    1. If I had a college son on hand, it could be done. Sadly, I do not have the capabilities. You will have to paint one for yourself. And make sure you bargain down the Goodwill people for your frame!

  4. OMG the Wilson thing was a hoot, but the David Puddy part made me squeal out loud, which unfortunately woke the big guy. Now the day has begun.

    1. I can always count on you to appreciate my weirdness. Because you're a weirdo magnet!

  5. I would love to meet ol' Whizzer. But I'm not real fond of stepping in oopsie pee on the floor of my house! Hope he can help Tim!

    1. He CAN! Whizzer is Tim's best friend. But carpet's worst enemy...