Friday, September 30, 2016

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #28 "The Talus Man"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week, we trip the thick fantastic with a shipboard romance! A new genre for Val's fake writing, if you don't count that SPAM attempt a couple weeks ago. I still got your fake money, though! And I laughed all the way to the fake bank. Which we all know is a moldy tube sock buried beside the septic tank in Val's back yard.

For your reading pleasure, let the record show that the TALUS is a bone in the ankle, between the leg bones (tibia and fibula) and the heel bone (calcaneous). Just sayin'. 'Cause I have all that sciency anatomical knowledge. And you really don't want to consult your conceited friend Google for an image that might include a splayed-open human foot...

The Talus Man

When it comes to women, Fritz definitely has a type: women with cankles. Not for him, those dainty ankles in stiletto heels. He'll take a thick-legged woman in sensible shoes any day. And he has. His job as Ship's Podiatrist on The Lust Boat provides easy hunting for such quarry.

Women love a man in uniform. Especially women who are best friends of good-looking women with dainty ankles in stiletto heels. It doesn't matter to them whether the potential suitor's eyes rise above bosom level. Or the level of the talus.

Jo falls into Fritz's lap when she turns a cankle playing shuffleboard on the promenade deck. Fritz eagerly volunteers to escort her to her cabin. Jo has no curves in all the right places. Namely, between ankle and calf. Will Jo be walking funny the next morning? Will Fritz notice the hint of a mustache on her upper lip? (150 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Hillary Clinton…"At last, a fake book I can endorse! Free the cankle! Years ago, I would have killed to find a fake book like this on the shelves! If this thing takes off, I fear that my tailors will go out of business. They can get jobs bearing Val Thevictorian on a litter, down the street ahead of me on January 20th."

Donald TrumpI have nothing bad to say about a cankle-filled romance. As long as Thevictorian's fake book isn't about a foreign slob with a fat ugly face eating like a pig, I'll endorse it. I'll buy a couple of fake freight-cars full and fake-give them away to my adoring crowd on January 20th.” 

Kathy Bates, having flashbacks to her role in Misery…”A whole fake book based on the premise of cankle-love? Does Thevictorian have cankles? I can fix that for her...”

Kerri Strug, reminiscing about the 1996 Olympics U.S. Gold Medal in gymnastics…”Now that I am not training 23 hours a day, I have time to catch up on my fake reading. This fake book took me back. If only I'd had sturdy cankles, my vault landing would not have been so spectacular, and the Russians might have edged us out for the gold, and Chris Kattan would have had one less character on SNL. Thevictorian makes me think of a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil.” 

Oprah…”I am leery of adding new authors to my old-school book club, after that Franzen debacle, but I'll put Thevictorian on it. This fake book had better not be an embarrassment for my brand, though. Or I'll pull a million little pieces of Val Thevictorian around the stage in a shiny red wagon. Even if I have to get a new show to have the exposure."


  1. Replies
    1. I actually entertained the thought of "Fifty Millimeters of Thickness," but...well...we're not British, now are we, and inches didn't sound the same. Besides, somebody might have taken that the wrong way. Val doesn't do pr0n.

  2. Val--I loved all reviews--especially the one penned by Kathy Bates. (Misery is one of my favorite books and one of my favorite movies.)

    So many of us women of a certain age need the possibility of a Fritz to keep our hope alive...

    1. I suggest that you head for the shuffleboard game on the promenade deck, Madam!