Friday, September 9, 2016

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #25 "Overheated Canine Sublime"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Let's see what I can cook up this week, shall we? How about a fake cookbook? Surely there's a need for such a thing! I know how much you've all enjoyed my recipes for Super Nachos and Chex Mix and Barbecue Slaw and Roasted Vinchtables. It's only fitting that Val branch out into the fake cookbook field. At least it will be her own recipes (I'm lookin' at YOU, certain young wife of a standup comedian famous for his show about nothing). So pony up your fake cash and fake-buy Val's latest fake book!

Overheated Canine Sublime

Ever since Sal Thethicktorian's proposed handbasket factory stalled, a new moneymaking scheme venture is critical. Her latest post-retirement endeavor is a food truck: "Strange Dog."

On the carnival circuit, or moonlighting on city streets, Sal's most requested item is the LoinWurstDog, a pork loin stuffed with a bratwurst stuffed with a hot dog. It's $49.95. Hubby needs a new pair of shoe inserts!

Sal's menu? Anything shaped like a hot dog. Try Sal's Hot Corn Dog: a roasted ear of sweet corn on a tempura-batter bun, dusted with cayenne pepper. Kids love the Sweet Pappy Johnson: Pixie Stix shaken onto a split gum cigar. On a hot summer day, try Sponge-Worthy Pop: a popsicle on a sliced loaf of spongecake, drizzled with snow-cone syrup.

A cookbook for people who like their junk food junky, with photos from Sal's summer heartland tour. Will folks with food allergies cry shenanigans? (148 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Emeril Lagasse…BAM! That's what I'd like to do to this author. Her recipes leave a bad taste in my mouth.” 

Julia Child”I am turning slowly in my grave, like a shoat roasting on a spit, at this fake work of culinary blasphemy. Val Thevictorian should be roasting on her own spit, over the flames of Not-Heaven. 

Wolfgang Puck…”Am I still relevant? I'll pan this fake author's fake book if it gets my name in the news again.” 

Martha Stewart…”This fake book is sorely lacking. Could Thevictorian not even THINK of putting a wiener dog on a bed of Sweet Hawaiian Rolls? Oh, wait. Will this make me even more unpopular than I was during the zenith of my notoriety?” 

Alton Brown…”I see no way for Thevictorian to promote this fake book. We can't have her on Cutthroat Kitchen because another contestant might accidentally on purpose cut her throat. We can't have her on Chopped, because another contestant might chop her. She's not even good enough for Worst Cooks in America."

Bobby Flay…”I disagree with Alton Brown. Thevictorian could have her own show on Food Network. 'Beat Val Thevictorian!' People would pay US to come on the show and deliver a sound thrashing. And I'm NOT talking about a cook-off competition."

Anne Burrell..."Allow this restaurant chef to let you in on a little secret. Thevictorian's fake book really sucks! It takes the starch right out of my hair. Thevictorian may share my love of red Crocs, but I share no love for her recipes.  Actually, that second sentence is no secret at all."

Mario Batali..."I have my lawyers working as you read this, petitioning the Crocs corporation to revoke Thevictorian's right to wear them. Such a hack should be shod in Dollar Store knockoffs, and not sully the brand name of a premier shoe company such as Crocs. I've got your back, Ann Burrell! Thevictorian's book should be fire-roasted and used to line the garbage can of Rachel Ray."

Guy Fieri…”I'd like to run over this author with a red 1967 Chevy Camaro SS convertible! Her recipes are not fit for a dive. On second thought, I'd rather run her over with a grocery cart. Thevictorian is not worth the damage to a classic car.”

The Barefoot Contessa…”Val Thevictorian makes me want to lace up a pair of Doc Martens and kick the crap out of her. Because that's what she's full of. ” 

Giada…”This author is the opposite of me. My recipes are good, and hers are abominable. I have a stick body and a giant lollipop head, and Thevictorian has a tiny shrunken head and a bloated enormous body. Nobody's going to be confusing the two of us any time soon. Not here. Not in Italy."


  1. This story is a souffle of silliness doomed to collapse under the weight of Val's hyperbole.
    ---James Beard----

    1. Looks like I won't be winning the "OSCAR OF FOOD" anytime soon...

  2. This book is not sponge worthy! It does not even have a recipe for muffin tops, marbled rye or a black and white cookie or even a big salad. It makes me want to throw-up which would ruin my 13 year no vomit streak.

    1. Oh, calm down. Here's a Mackinaw Peach, a slice of Wallis Simpson's wedding cake, and a Pudding Skin Single. If you get all worked up again, I'm going to have to declare, "No soup for you!"

      I can't include every recipe since the beginning of time.

  3. Pudding Skin Single? That one I don't remember. (Although the skin is the best part of a cooked bowl of pudding.)

    The starch in Anne Burrell's hair? Hilarious. Taking away your right to wear Crocs? Horrifying! And Giada's giant lollipop head (don't forget those sharp teeth of hers)? Perfect!

    I'd like to try the pixie stix sandwich. Could you send one my way, if I give you a credit card number. Not MY number, mind you, just one that's on a card I "found" the other day.

  4. Pudding Skin Singles were George's idea. He made them in Jerry's kitchen around the time Kramer withdrew his blood from the blood bank and stored it in Jerry's freezer.

    Waiting on that credit card number. Do you want the green gum cigar, or the pink gum cigar?

  5. I never thought about going in that direction! What a great blurb!

    1. Thanks! I was thinking inside the (lunch) box.