Overheated Canine Sublime
Ever since Sal Thethicktorian's proposed handbasket factory stalled, a new moneymaking
On the carnival circuit, or moonlighting on city streets, Sal's most requested item is the LoinWurstDog, a pork loin stuffed with a bratwurst stuffed with a hot dog. It's $49.95. Hubby needs a new pair of shoe inserts!
Sal's menu? Anything shaped like a hot dog. Try Sal's Hot Corn Dog: a roasted ear of sweet corn on a tempura-batter bun, dusted with cayenne pepper. Kids love the Sweet Pappy Johnson: Pixie Stix shaken onto a split gum cigar. On a hot summer day, try Sponge-Worthy Pop: a popsicle on a sliced loaf of spongecake, drizzled with snow-cone syrup.
A cookbook for people who like their junk food junky, with photos from Sal's summer heartland tour. Will folks with food allergies cry shenanigans? (148 words)
Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book
Emeril Lagasse…”BAM! That's what I'd like to do to this author. Her recipes leave a bad taste in my mouth.”
Julia Child…”I am turning slowly in my grave, like a shoat roasting on a spit, at this fake work of culinary blasphemy. Val Thevictorian should be roasting on her own spit, over the flames of Not-Heaven.”
Wolfgang Puck…”Am I still relevant? I'll pan this fake author's fake book if it gets my name in the news again.”
Martha Stewart…”This fake book is sorely lacking. Could Thevictorian not even THINK of putting a wiener dog on a bed of Sweet Hawaiian Rolls? Oh, wait. Will this make me even more unpopular than I was during the zenith of my notoriety?”
Alton Brown…”I see no way for Thevictorian to promote this fake book. We can't have her on Cutthroat Kitchen because another contestant might accidentally on purpose cut her throat. We can't have her on Chopped, because another contestant might chop her. She's not even good enough for Worst Cooks in America."
Bobby Flay…”I disagree with Alton Brown. Thevictorian could have her own show on Food Network. 'Beat Val Thevictorian!' People would pay US to come on the show and deliver a sound thrashing. And I'm NOT talking about a cook-off competition."
Anne Burrell..."Allow this restaurant chef to let you in on a little secret. Thevictorian's fake book really sucks! It takes the starch right out of my hair. Thevictorian may share my love of red Crocs, but I share no love for her recipes. Actually, that second sentence is no secret at all."
Mario Batali..."I have my lawyers working as you read this, petitioning the Crocs corporation to revoke Thevictorian's right to wear them. Such a hack should be shod in Dollar Store knockoffs, and not sully the brand name of a premier shoe company such as Crocs. I've got your back, Ann Burrell! Thevictorian's book should be fire-roasted and used to line the garbage can of Rachel Ray."
Guy Fieri…”I'd like to run over this author with a red 1967 Chevy Camaro SS convertible! Her recipes are not fit for a dive. On second thought, I'd rather run her over with a grocery cart. Thevictorian is not worth the damage to a classic car.”
The Barefoot Contessa…”Val Thevictorian makes me want to lace up a pair of Doc Martens and kick the crap out of her. Because that's what she's full of. ”
Giada…”This author is the opposite of me. My recipes are good, and hers are abominable. I have a stick body and a giant lollipop head, and Thevictorian has a tiny shrunken head and a bloated enormous body. Nobody's going to be confusing the two of us any time soon. Not here. Not in Italy."