Sunday, June 12, 2016

Don't Make Me Tell You About the Time that Encyclopedia Salesman Almost Lost Three Toes

Have you heard? The homestead has a doorbell again! Let the record show that it always had a doorbell, but that now it works. Hick put a new one in sometime last year. It makes the Big Ben chime sound.

I may have heard that we have a new doorbell...but I can't actually HEAR the doorbell. That's because the doorbell speaker is upstairs, in the hall by the piano. The one we got from my mom's house, not the one we got from my grandma. And I am in my dark basement lair.

The Pony, however, has the ears of an elephant. He can easily hear the doorbell from his subterranean gaming couch, even with the TV on. Wednesday, I heard The Pony trot up the stairs. I thought nothing of it. He does that whenever he refills his water carafe from Frig II, or when his internet disconnects and he has to fiddle with his phone on the windowsill to restore service, or when he gets a text from somebody who is not on the app that sends it to his laptop. He trotted back down shortly, and appeared in the non-door of my lair.

"There's a man at the door selling meat."

"Tell him 'No thank you.'" With his mission clear, The Pony hoofed it back up the steps. I heard the door open. Then The Pony returned. "Did you see the truck? Was it Schwan's? The big yellow truck?"

"I didn't see a truck. Just a man selling meat. He rang the doorbell."

"And you didn't see a truck in the driveway?"

"No."

"I hope he wasn't just some random guy selling meat. I thought it was that route guy with the yellow frozen food truck. The barn neighbors used to get stuff from him. What kind of meat?"

"He said it was steak."

"Did he say somebody told him to come here?"

"No. Just that he had a few pieces left over. Of meat."

"It will be a sad day when I have to wait at home for leftover meat to be delivered to my door."

Seriously. Those guys are like vampires. Once they've been invited in, there's no stopping them. Never mind the signs that say "NO SOLICITING." If he has a route, fine. Go to the customers on that route. That does not give him carte blanche to roam around our private compound ringing doorbells all willy-nilly to inquire as to whether the lady of the house desires his meat. LEFTOVER meat!

What's next, a paving company dump truck half full of leftover blacktop, with the driver asking to take a dump in my driveway?

8 comments:

  1. I've heard of those guys selling "leftover meat" before. But I don't remember what their scam is.

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    1. Probably to sign you up for a regular delivery on their route.

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  2. I suspect he was selling a freezer next. I don't like guns, but if I lived off the beaten path I would have a shotgun handy.

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    1. We have no shortage of shotguns or other weaponry. Same as every other rural landowner in these parts. I, however, am not the marksman. I am surprised we do not have a special shed for our firearms. I guess somebody could just winch it up on a flatbed truck and drive off with it...

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  3. Thanks! Now I'm picturing someone taking a dump in your driveway

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    1. Perhaps I should learn to TELL, not SHOW!

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  4. I would be wary of leftover meat, but asphalt!! I would take the asphalt and have it dumped on a site. I could get premium bucks for a paved site! We always graciously allow the tree trimmers clipping branches for Ameren to dump the wood chips here for free. That is my free mulch!!

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    1. You're preachin' to the choir on that one, sister! Am I not the one who turned down a box of AUCTION MEAT offered to be purchased especially for me by one Hick Thevictorian?

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