Tuesday, January 12, 2016

O Captain, D Captain!

My Dear Captain D's Proprietor:

Thank you so much for hiring and retaining employees who cannot perform even the most rudimentary facets of their positions. I am always tickled to see which new way they have found to sabotage my order. As a regular drive-thru customer who patronizes your establishment weekly, I have endured quite a variety of monkey wrenches tossed into my dinner bag.

Two orders of breadsticks? Sometimes you give me one order. Sometimes you give me none.

A Captain’s sandwich? Often the low-dollar regular sandwich is given in its place.

Lemon pepper whitefish? I now know how much lemon pepper it takes to make whitefish black.

Coleslaw? [COLESLAW!] It should not be warm, with an aftertaste.

Breadstick included in a meal? I had no idea that some people like their breadstick encrusted with rice.

Breadsticks? They are usually golden brown. Not fish-belly white.

Do I want any sauces? Why yes I DO! Tartar Sauce, Ketchup, Butter, and a Knife.
Every week I request the same sauces. I have gone, on separate visits, without ketchup, without butter, without a knife, WITH malt vinegar, WITH sour cream, WITH cocktail sauce.

I will not elaborate on the latest food faux pas perpetrated upon my person. I am saving the evidence for a possible future lawsuit. IF I survive for the next 48 hours.

If your restaurant (and I use the term loosely) was a den of fine dining, and a tip was customary, I would indeed leave a tip for my server: AN IOU FOR A SWIFT KICK IN THE PANTS!

In closing, I would simply like to say…see you next Monday.

Signed,
Val Thevictorian

_________________________________________________________________

Yes, I have been having issues with The Pony’s fast food of choice after his Monday night appointments.

But last night, I think, takes the cake in the sweepstakes of customer service tomfoolery.

Lest you think that I licked the Styrofoam platter clean, let the record show that the upper left compartment contained a Styrofoam bowl with plastic lid stuffed full of broccoli florets. The upper right compartment contained SLAW, which I spooned out into (my own) Styrofoam bowl to put in Frig II's Freezer for quick cooling. And the middle compartment contained a filet of lemon pepper whitefish. 

Once again, I bemoaned the fact that my whitefish was burned, and heavily lemon-peppered. The edges were downright crispy. And black. Oh, I ate it. Val is not getting home at 7:00 p.m. after a full day of work, a day containing two duties, and standing in the kitchen to whip up a meal. But that doesn't mean that she was content with her takeout.

Yes. Not only was my lemon pepper whitefish burned. It had burned through the Styrofoam container. A fact of which I was happily ignorant while crunching away on the burnt edges of that black filet of whitefish.

VAL ATE MELTED STYROFOAM!

I'm hoping everything comes out okay...

16 comments:

  1. Do you ever fill out those comment cards? We had a guy who worked for us in MN who was the master of customer complaints. He would call the place and insist on a manager when the restaurant was the busiest. Can't tell you how many free meals he got.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. I figure if I turn them in at the counter, they'll be thrown away. And who remembers to mail something like that once they take it out of the "restaurant."

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    2. He should start his own business: customercomplaintmasters(dot)com.

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  2. I hope everything comes out okay too. Plumbing issues and drain problems can be quite expensive and time consuming.

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  3. I would stick with gas station chicken.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would, too, but The Pony doesn't pick chicken. He picks fish. Mainly for the breadsticks.

      Delete
  4. Have you considered writing the headquarters of Captain D's? If your letter is venomous enough, they may send you some coupons... which means that next time, you might be able to eat melted styrofoam--for free.

    Did it taste like chicken?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mmm...the only thing better than melted Styrofoam is FREE melted Styrofoam.

      It did not taste like chicken. It tasted like crunchy burnt whitefish.

      Delete
  5. When my son was a baby, he choked on a chicken bone from a can of Sweet Sue Chicken and Dumplings. I complained and they placated me with a case of it.
    The Captain might send you more Styrofoam crusted fish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Small world. When MY son was unborn in my belly, I choked on a bone from a can of Sweet Sue Canned Chunk White Chicken. I mailed it to the dang Sweet Sue people, and they sent me enough coupons to choke to death.

      The only Captain I want a freebie from is Captain Morgan.

      Delete
  6. Your meal sounds typical of that type of fine dining establishment!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, we are ordering SEAfood in MISSOURI!

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  7. I just went to Captain D's web site and learned that the nearest restaurant to me is in Farmington, New Mexico, a tad less than 275 miles from here. I don't think I'll drive there for dinner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHAT? Are your state-line-crossing shorts in the wash?

      Delete