Sunday, September 20, 2015

Hick Really, Really Likes Pizza

My sweet baboo volunteered to do the Walmart shopping this morning. Actually, he volunteered last night. He asked me for the list at 7:15 this morning. As you might surmise, I did not have the list made yet, having devoted all my energy to surviving the night, and trying to catch up on the sleep deficit of approximately 33 hours, which has been accruing since a week ago Wednesday.

Hick declared that he wasn't ready to shop YET. Just as well, because his assistant, The Pony, was still abed. They eventually left at 10:15 and returned at 11:30. Giving me time to nod off intermittently in the recliner under a toasty afghan.

Hick stuck to the list admirably. Unlike that time we were first married, finances tight, and he lost the list on the way to the store and spent $35 on cookies and ice cream. One little hiccup this morning was the pizza he picked out.

I had put on the list that he could get a pizza from the Walmart deli if he so desired. Not in those words, though. We haven't had one of them in about 6 months, and he used to ask for them when I made the list. Which I suppose says more about my cooking than about Hick's eating habits. I always get the supreme. Then I pick the pepperoni off half and stick it on Hick's part, and all the red, green, and yellow peppers off and stick them on my part. We're the Spratts like that.

Hick brought home the 3-meat pizza. Which is fine. I still pick off the pepperoni. But the pizza Hick brought home looked like something off of Man vs. Food. It was bigger than a man-hole cover. Bigger that a drainage pipe that prisoners can escape through. Bigger than a Hoover Dam outflow pipe.

Then Hick proceeded to ask how to cook that behemoth, because he was ready for lunch. Let the record show that while Val daily eats her school lunch at the scheduled time of 10:53, she has been off her feed, and was not at all ready to tackle this gargantuan feast at 11:30 a.m. Hick had a small hissy-fit, declaring that he wanted two pieces, but that we could save the rest and warm it up for supper. Meaning that he would wolf it down in less than five minutes, and Val would be left portioning and storing the leftovers. Then Hick decided, "Don't do nothin' for me! I'll eat a baloney sandwich!" and stalked out. Most likely with the thought of making his own bologna sandwich heavy on his mind.

Anyhoo...we (and by "we" I mean me, myself, and I ) cooked that humongous meatzza for supper. I sawed it up into slices. Then I put a large flat generic Tupperware container on the counter, and told Hick he could save the leftovers in that when they cooled. Yes, I know he took over an hour out of his busy schedule to do the shopping for me. But I've been sick. With no steroids. Hick looks like he could compete in an Iron Man competition.

I'm sure my sweet baboo won't mind putting away the meatzza leftovers. So we have food to get us through the winter. It's not like he has to boil them up and pressurize them into the 7853 Ball and Mason jars he has collected.

17 comments:

  1. It's only fair. If you gave away your Spratt toppings from the meatzza, what would be left? I would imagine most of the cheese would have fled along with the meats during the picking-clean process, so your side wouldn't even be a cheezza.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On the meatzza, I still have sausage pellets and beef slabs left. There's hardly any cheese at all on the Walmart meatzza. That's why The Pony won't share in our splendid repast. He'll only eat plain cheese pizza.

      Delete
  2. I'm glad you're married to Hick & I'm not!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aww, you're sick; let him eat bologna. Although I have heard chicken soup works wonders for what ails you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Hot & Sour soup used to work miracles for me. Not this last time. I had actually planned to have Hick pick up some Chunky Chicken Soup, but forgot to put it on my list. I am SHOCKED that it didn't occur to him to put a can in the cart.

      Delete
  4. I'll bet that pizza is still sitting out... waiting to be put away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a likely scenario. Or perhaps he only put away his part.

      Delete
  5. He could read your shopping list?

    If Hick tried New Jersey Pizza he'd never go back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, he could read my list, but he's still a jerk! For the hissy-fit. If Hick tried New Jersey pizza, you'd want to send him back. It may be the first-ever New Jersey pizza shortage.

      Delete
    2. Joeh--You're right. The best tomato pie I've ever had was in Jersey.

      Delete
  6. You pick off the pepperoni? You can eat pizza with me anytime.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's a scene in the movie "Feds," where the FBI trainees have a pizza-eating contest. Rebecca DeMornay (NOT the angry muffin-stump character from the Seinfeld episode) starts talking about how there are worms in the pepperoni, which makes the guys who were winning throw up and lose the challenge.

      That is NOT why I don't like pepperoni. However, it is a funny movie that I recommend when you have nothing else to do and are not full of pizza, nor planning to eat one in the near future. I can't find the scene, but here's the trailer:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap4hLuKNnh0

      Delete
  7. You have to be very detailed on the list, you know. And print in block letters, big, as if you think he has the mind of a first grader. Then, before you let him leave with the list clutched in his big fist, you read it aloud to him, just to make sure he understands what is written. Oh, he will still get part of it wrong, but your chances are a little better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did every one of those things! Hick actually did remarkably well. A fact which I attribute to The Pony being his minder.

      Delete