Hick Thevictorian Is the New Lucy Van Pelt

I might have mentioned how Hick has an uncanny ability to avoid carrying in groceries. No matter how late I plan a shopping trip, he is not home to help, even if I arrive at his regular get-home time. Often, Hick shows up just as I am putting away the last of the groceries I have carried in. Too bad there's not an Olympic event for this, since Hick would have multiple gold medals draped around the house.

For about a month, Hick was ready and available tricked into being here when I got home from shopping. I'd call and ask where he was, and if he said he was home, I'd tell him I would text as I was leaving the store. It takes me 10 minutes to get home from 10Box.

Monday, I went to the bank to deposit a check, and stopped by Country Mart over in Sis-Town. Hick knew I was going there, because I said I'd pick up big salads for our supper. His schedule was off anyway, since Old Buddy was not available for work on the Beauty Shop due to vacation. In fact, Hick was mowing the yard when I left.

On the way home, I stopped at the School-Turn Casey's for scratchers. I called Hick.

"I'm just now starting home from Casey's over here."

"Do you have groceries?"

"Yes. Six bags. Some of them are heavy. Not sure how long it takes from here, but I'm not going through Backroads. I'll just take the roundabout and come straight home. Probably 20 minutes, depending on the lights."

"Okay. I'll be watching for you."

Off I went, all confident with the knowledge that I'd have help with my burden. After all, any time Hick has been confirmed as being home, and said he would help, he HAS! Oh, how naive our Val is. Trusting in her Sweet Baboo to help as promised. Not realizing that Hick was just readying the football to pull away as she ran to kick it!

As I came down the driveway, Jack and Scarlett and Copper Jack ran to greet me, barking their fool heads off as usual. I opened the creaky garage door and parked T-Hoe. Waited a minute for Hick to come through the people door. Waited a minute... and another minute. Welp! It looked like I was NOT going to get any help! 

My phone won't work from the garage, ever since Hick had a metal roof put on. I figured I might as well get started. No use going inside and telling Hick to come get the groceries. He's oddly incompetent at such tasks, and would likely leave something behind, or forget to close T-Hoe's hatch before the garage door, and break one or the other. He is, after all, the man who broke the mirrors off T-Hoe backing out of the garage a few years ago.

I toted those bags, which included our two big salads, a container of deli chicken, baking potatoes, eight bananas, two bags of chips, two jars of mayo, a loaf of bread, hamburger buns, hot dog buns, and a three-pound bag of Vidalia onions.

I set the heaviest bags on the chair on the side porch, so I could use my free hand to hold the rail going up the steps. Then I picked them up again. As I rounded the corner of the porch, here came Hick out the kitchen door.

"Oh. Here. I'll get the groceries."

"I've already got them. I'll drop them if I try to get them off my arm now. Stupid me. I thought I was going to have help."

"I was watching for you! I didn't see you out the window! I guess maybe I nodded off to sleep for a minute..."

Huh. You'd think that if Hick was feeling drowsy after 11 hours of sleep on his new $200 mattress, he might have set his phone alarm for 20 minutes when I called to say I was starting home. Oh, wait! No he wouldn't. Because that would mean he'd have to carry in groceries.

A Review of the $200 Mattress

Hick slept 11 hours on it Sunday night, so I suppose the $200 mattress is a success. He went to bed around 8:30, and didn't get up until 7:30. Granted, Old Buddy was out of town on vacation, so Hick's only plans were going somewhere with This Guy who sold us the $5000 house. Thus he ignored his regular get-up time of 5:30.

Anyhoo... Hick said he slept well, and really likes his bargain mattress. I have mixed feelings on the subject. Let the record show that I don't spend much time on a mattress. My joints hurt after about an hour, and most of my sleeping is done on the short couch, while sitting and watching TV. Our old mattress served us for over 20 years, and was due for replacement. Hick's side had a noticeable indentation. In fact, Hick said he often fell out of bed! That's what happens when you sit on the edge to get dressed for 20 years, and break down the side of your mattress!

Anyhoo... I took my afternoon nap on the new $200 mattress on Monday. I had been afraid that it might be too low, since our last one had a memory foam topper thingy. But this new mattress was almost the same height. However, it was a bit noisy. Making that crinkly sound when you lie down on it.

Anothe drawback of the new mattress was its diabolical thirst for an ample rumpus! When I lay down, getting in on my left side as usual, I was pulled over as if by a magnet to the center of the bed! Hick said he had no such problem. Not once, all through the night. I suppose maybe our old mattress had a less-noticeable indentation on my side, which cradled me when I got in. And without it, the new mattress made me feel like I was being pulled over backwards.

Anyhoo... I slept just fine on the new mattress for the hour I was on it, although I had to wedge my arms under my pillow(s) to stay on my side, and not be sucked backwards into the middle-of-the-bed vortex.

All in all, this mattress was worth $200.

The Universe Continues to Mess With The Pony

Forget those "Messin' With Sasquatch" commercials for Jack Links Beef Jerky. The Universe is messing with The Pony! It's safer than messin' with Sasquatch.

After a hot day of work on Saturday, The Pony ordered Steak 'n' Shake for supper, via DoorDash. Here's what he received:

Imagine the disappointment! Going all day without taking a lunch break, anticipating a tasty burger and fries from Steak 'n' Shake for your supper, and only getting a soda and shake! The Pony responded with a picture of his lacking order, and was given a full refund. 

Still, that didn't make up for not having supper! The Pony made some ramen noodles.

"Do you think the driver ate your burger and fries?"

"Maybe? Or else delivered them to the stop ahead of me. It said there were two orders out for delivery."

"Huh. Somebody got a real bargain! At least you got your money back."

This tragedy aside, I asked The Pony if that was the lid for his blown-away trash can on the front porch. Yes. It was. And I also asked about that purple thing.

"What is that purple thing that looks like a playground ball?"

"That's a deflated kickball that ended up in the corner by my stairs, and that I pulled out of the front yard."

I suppose there are worse things to find in a front yard. But being cheated out of your anticipated supper is a crime against Ponymanity!

The Bargain Man Gets Another Bargain

I made use of Hick's auction bananas on Saturday, making banana nut bread, and strawberry-banana muffins with them. Also, another bowl of pudding using vanilla wafers, a banana, and vanilla pudding.

Let the record show that Val has never claimed to be a 5 star Michelin chef. The closest she comes is an uncanny resemblance to the Michelin Man. I used a box mix for the banana nut bread, and a bagged mix for the strawberry-banana muffins. 

I used three bananas, and made two little loaves. One would probably have worked. I used the "instructions" amount of 3 eggs, and 1/3 cup of oil, and cut down the 1/3 cup of water to 1/4, due to the moisture in the bananas.

Hick cut off an end of a loaf, and proclaimed that it was "really good."

I used two bags of the Save A Lot brand "Ginger Evans" strawberry muffin mix. It called for adding 1/2 cup of milk per bag. So I cut that from one cup to 3/4 cup. Hick ate a muffin, and said it was also "really good." Which may tell you something about the food I've been feeding Hick all these years, heh, heh.

Anyhoo... Hick was back to his regular bargaining self on Saturday at his SUS2 (Storage Unit Store 2). One of his buddies drove up with a trailer loaded with 10 mattresses. Hick bought one for $200. He says it's new, and wrapped in plastic. The buddy's girlfriend works in the city, and she obtained this bargain. Hick says he didn't look at the tag, so he doesn't know if it's a brand name mattress. I am confident that it is NOT! 

Let the record show that Hick has been talking about getting a new mattress for a couple years now. So this is not a surprise. He said he would have sprung for $300 on a more expensive version, but when he felt it, that mattress was too soft. 

Can't be any worse than the aged mattress we have now. And you can't beat the price with a stick. Hick has roped The Pony into coming out on Sunday to carry it into our hillbilly mansion. Until then, it resides in the bed of SilverRedO, which is at least under the shelter of the carport.

When a Bargain Isn't Really a Bargain

Hick came home from Monday night's auction with four bunches of bananas. Two regular size for him, and two smaller ones for me. That was good, because Hick spent his own money on the bananas, and we were down to only two bananas. That was bad, because the bananas that Hick bought were already ripe.

"You know those won't last long. Maybe a day before they're all spotted."

"Yeah. But I only spent four dollars on the whole thing."

We each ate a banana on Tuesday morning. Then we went to the casino on Wednesday, so I skipped one. By Thursday, those bananas were looking rough.

"I don't know what to do with all those bananas."

"You can make banana bread!"

"Sure. Because I've never made it before, and don't have any idea how to do that. Maybe I could put it in muffin mix..."

"Yeah. That would work. And I like bananas in pudding."

"Which means I would have to make pudding. Of which I don't have a mix."

"You can put it in the already-made pudding. The little cups."

"I guess. But I never see banana flavor in the stores I go to."

"Vanilla is fine. I like vanilla."

"Would you want vanilla wafers in it? That's how they make banana pudding. With vanilla wafers on the bottom."

"Yeah. That would be good."

So... I went to town on Thursday, and bought vanilla pudding, and vanilla wafers, and banana nut muffin mix, along with milk required for the mix. So I can spend time creating desserts for sugar-challenged Hick, using his bargain bananas.

At Long Last, the Wrap

You may recall my great disappointment from our last casino trip, when the order-taker did not do her ONE JOB correctly, and brought me a chicken sandwich instead of the chicken wrap I ordered. When I didn't want to wait for the right order (with trepidation that it might be tampered with for my complaint), she assured me it was the exact same thing, just on a bun, not in a wrap.

Well. We went to the casino on Wednesday, and I once again ordered that much-anticipated Grilled Chicken Wrap. I got it! I really got it!

 

It may not look so special from this angle, but I assure you, my Grilled Chicken Wrap was real, and it was spectacular! No, I did not get cheated on the fries. I told The Pony to take half. My wrap was in a large tortilla that had been grilled. Mmm. Chicken, bacon, cheese (provolone, my choice), tomatoes, onions, pickles, and comeback sauce. I left off the lettuce. I will be getting this again, IF they bring it to me after I order it!

The Pony had the Grilled Chicken Salad. It looked fantastic. I'd get it, but I don't like iceberg lettuce. Other than that, it seems good.

The Pony said it was great, but left some of the tomatoes. Not a fan. I contributed the butt-ends of my wrap, so The Pony had a bit of tortilla to enjoy with the salad. That's Ranch Dressing, I believe, though The Pony was trying to decide between it, and Blue Cheese while in line.

Hick had the Fried Chicken Tenders with Onion Rings. 

Don't think that hand is Hick pushing his meal forward for me to photograph! He had set it there, and I barely had time to get the picture before that hand came in, to grab his food for eating!

I thought Hick's food looked good, and was contemplating trying it on the next visit. UNTIL... Hick shoved his cardboard basket away with one chicken tender, and one onion ring left.

"That's the worst food I've ever eaten here."

Huh. And that includes the emaciated, desiccated hot dog he tried one time!

"What's wrong with it?"

"The onion rings are greasy. And something is off with the chicken."

Huh. That meal was advertised as a half-pound of chicken tenders. Hick chose BBQ sauce for dipping. Yet he still didn't like it.

"Do you mind if I try it?"

"No. I'm done!"

I took a bite of the onion ring, and it seemed fine to me. Then I tried the little chicken tender that remained. First of all, that coating was NOT crispy! It was damp, and it slid off when I picked up the small tender. I did not dip. The white meat chicken was moist. But it had an unpleasant flavor. Almost as if it had been marinated with jalapenos! There was a certain heat to it. Not my cup of tea. Nor Hick's, apparently.

Still, we had a fun trip on The Pony's day off. I lost 30 percent of my casino bankroll that I had taken, Hick lost $40, and The Pony left $160 ahead.

We shall return. That Grilled Chicken Wrap is worth a loss.

An Unexpected Find Along The Pony's Route

Every day is an adventure for The Pony. His job is like a box of Forrest Gump's Mama's chocolates... he never knows what he's gonna get. Some days it might be a dog bite. Some days an orange or a fresh tomato handed to him. Or some days, something like THIS:

Isn't that just the cutest thing??? It's a HORSESHOE CRAB!

In other news, the three-foot alligator that was released into the local Backroads lake is still on the loose...