I did not have a pleasant ride home from the casino Saturday night. You'd think Hick was afraid of suffering from methanmysitisis. Yeah. That's a made-up disease, like Seinfeld's uromysitisis, when he was caught peeing in the parking garage. Except the danger Hick is avoiding is exploding from methane gas backed up from not farting, rather than urine backed up from not peeing. I swear. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. And by things, I mean EXCUSES!
I should have known I was in trouble when Hick leaned over the steering wheel of A-Cad, his chin almost touching. When he gets that kind of leverage for lifting his own ample rumpus off the seat, I know what's coming.
"WHEW! You're killing me. That stinks SO BAD!!!"
"Val. It's just a fart."
"I KNOW that! Now I have to breathe it. It STINKS!"
"Your farts stink, too."
"The difference is, I don't let mine out in the car so you're trapped with it. I don't know why you can't hold it. What are you, a toddler?"
"No, Val. I'm not a toddler. It's just a fart."
"I shouldn't have to breathe it the rest of the way home."
"There you go. Why can't you just sit there and ride?"
"Because I'm choking to death on your fart."
"You don't travel well."
"Traveling should not include breathing other people's farts. Don't you have any self-control? Why do you think that's normal, to do that in the car?"
"It's just a fart."
Yeah. Would Hick have done that with the ex-mayor my sister's husband riding behind him? I don't think so. But because it's only Val, he sees no need to control his gaseous emissions. Would Hick have tooted if Her Majesty the Queen was riding behind him? Probably. Because she's ONLY a woman, and of course we just have to deal with manly eccentricities. They're entitled. We are not.
I guess I should count myself lucky that Hick didn't have a salad with onions at the buffet, or I would have gotten the belch/fart combo.
I guess the lifting up of the rump was so he didn't blow a hole in the car seat from the force of the fart?
ReplyDeleteMy lesser-half stepped in the front door after working today, paused, and farted. Couldn't he have done that while he was still outside, a second earlier? Of course not.
I like to pull my shirt opening up over my nose and mouth, so I have a smaller--but less stinky--oxygen supply. It's kind of like my own portable gas mask. (I have the instructions--on a laminated card--for sale for the affordable price of $9.99.)
Maybe to save the seat. Or so it could escape. No way are they going to hold it in out of consideration for US!
DeleteI forgot the SHIRT FILTER technique! I used to do it all the time, after students coughed or sneezed inside the perimeter of my personal space bubble. The neck part, or course. I didn't flip up the tail of my shirt.
I don't think I'll need your laminated instructions right now. But for a 50% cut, I could make space for you to market them on the counter of my proposed handbasket factory.
You need to get yourself one of those weird looking gas masks worn in England during World War 2 and keep it in the car, then as soon as Hick begins to lift his ample rumpus you fish it out from under the seat and strap it on.
ReplyDeleteThat would be great! I could turn to look at cars that pass us in the slow lane while we're blocking the fast lane, and hold up my hands like, "You think YOU have problems!"
DeleteIt's just a fart!
ReplyDeleteThe BRO CODE is strong! Like the BRO's farts.
DeleteMen! Mine aims it at me when he comes to bed. WHY can't he turn over? This was a stinky post. LOL
ReplyDeleteI hope you're not being fart-roasted in a dutch oven!
DeleteMany of my posts require reading with the nostrils pinched shut...
Can't either (or both) of you open the car's windows and let the, uh, aroma drift out of the vehicle?
ReplyDeleteAt 73 mph, that's kind of like an airplane window breaking out. Stuff starts flying around inside A-Cad. If I only put MY window down, all the smell comes past my nose on the way out! Hick isn't going to put his down, since he says it's "only a fart."
DeleteYou have loose stuff lying around in A-Cad? Shame on you. Strap that stuff in a box or something.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, it's HICK'S loose stuff, from previous auctions, and that day's Goodwill purchases. He usually gets it out every week. It's on the back seat, or the floor between them.
Delete