I'm sure you're all familiar with the Midas Touch. And pretty sure you haven't heard of the King Hick Touch, though you could probably guess what it involves. Everything King Hick touches turns to...um...NOT-GOLD.
Hick has a habit of secretly
bringing in his free-range chicken eggs and cooking them while I am not
near the kitchen, and then washing ONLY those pans, plates, and utensils
used for his dastardly deed. Nothing else laying on the kitchen counter
that he has used in the hours leading up to his clandestine feast, mind
you. Only performing enough washing to hide his household crime.
can always figure it out, though. Because the next time I go to use
such kitchenware, I find fork holes in my favorite non-stick skillet,
and dried egg ridges on my metal spatula, and a Braille-rough surface on
my glass bowl or plate. Last week, Hick committed an especially heinous
kitchen crime, using one of only 4 bowls given to me by my mom when I
first set up my own household, two of them having cracks that had been
glued by some family member, and this one found in the sink being one of
the two GOOD old bowls without cracks. Now rough of surface due to
microwave-cooked Hick free-range egg.
Of course I gave
Hick a stern talking-to. I think he actually listened, because when I
yelled over the back porch rail as he was noodle-riding in Poolio that I
was heading to Walmart...he said that I COULD pick up something for
him. A bowl to cook eggs in the microwave.
microwaves were all the rage, and the size of a washer/dryer combo, we
had microwaveware. It was ugly and gray/tan and hard plastic. I'm pretty
sure I threw it away 20 years ago when we moved from my $17,000 house
in town to the idyllic homestead where we reside today.
though "just picking up a bowl" for Hick would entail a hike across
Walmart (dodging beeping backing-up fat-carts) to the non-food end, I
said I would. But fortune (and I'm pretty sure a smirking Even Steven)
smiled on me that day. I found a shelf of plastic picnic sets on an
endcap on the mayo/pickle aisle.
were only five dollars! Believe you me, THIS Five-Dollar Daughter knows
the value of a buck. Or five. I could get FOUR bowls, and four round
plates, and four trays, and four cups, and four sets of plastic
silverware for only FIVE DOLLARS! That's much more bargainful than
hiking across the store to find a single bowl that would certainly cost
more than the pro-rated 25 cents of one in this set. I nearly chortled
with glee as I snatched up my Hick picnicware and headed for the
When I got home, Hick was still in Poolio,
though floating not on noodles, but slightly below the surface on some
oval net-raft thingy rated just under his weight. I proudly held the
picnicware out for him to see. And noticed
A CRACK IN THE YELLOW TRAY ON THE BOTTOM!
dear. My bargain was now not so bargainful. I had paid FIVE DOLLARS for
that set, and it was damaged, by cracky! At least I still had the
receipt. Yesterday, I returned those damaged goods to Walmart. I was
second in line, waited less than two minutes, and found another set
Hick was gone to Kansas to visit Genius for a
day, so he has yet to try out his new egg bowl. I'm pretty sure that
chicken I saw Copper the neighbor dog clutching in his mouth as he ran
across the yard yesterday morning was our last remaining hen.
Even Steven is such a prankster. The neighbor dog, not so much.