Sunday, July 16, 2017

The Hickest Touch

I'm sure you're all familiar with the Midas Touch. And pretty sure you haven't heard of the King Hick Touch, though you could probably guess what it involves. Everything King Hick touches turns to...um...NOT-GOLD.

Hick has a habit of secretly bringing in his free-range chicken eggs and cooking them while I am not near the kitchen, and then washing ONLY those pans, plates, and utensils used for his dastardly deed. Nothing else laying on the kitchen counter that he has used in the hours leading up to his clandestine feast, mind you. Only performing enough washing to hide his household crime.

I can always figure it out, though. Because the next time I go to use such kitchenware, I find fork holes in my favorite non-stick skillet, and dried egg ridges on my metal spatula, and a Braille-rough surface on my glass bowl or plate. Last week, Hick committed an especially heinous kitchen crime, using one of only 4 bowls given to me by my mom when I first set up my own household, two of them having cracks that had been glued by some family member, and this one found in the sink being one of the two GOOD old bowls without cracks. Now rough of surface due to microwave-cooked Hick free-range egg.

Of course I gave Hick a stern talking-to. I think he actually listened, because when I yelled over the back porch rail as he was noodle-riding in Poolio that I was heading to Walmart...he said that I COULD pick up something for him. A bowl to cook eggs in the microwave.

Back when microwaves were all the rage, and the size of a washer/dryer combo, we had microwaveware. It was ugly and gray/tan and hard plastic. I'm pretty sure I threw it away 20 years ago when we moved from my $17,000 house in town to the idyllic homestead where we reside today.

Even though "just picking up a bowl" for Hick would entail a hike across Walmart (dodging beeping backing-up fat-carts) to the non-food end, I said I would. But fortune (and I'm pretty sure a smirking Even Steven) smiled on me that day. I found a shelf of plastic picnic sets on an endcap on the mayo/pickle aisle.


They were only five dollars! Believe you me, THIS Five-Dollar Daughter knows the value of a buck. Or five. I could get FOUR bowls, and four round plates, and four trays, and four cups, and four sets of plastic silverware for only FIVE DOLLARS! That's much more bargainful than hiking across the store to find a single bowl that would certainly cost more than the pro-rated 25 cents of one in this set. I nearly chortled with glee as I snatched up my Hick picnicware and headed for the checkout.

When I got home, Hick was still in Poolio, though floating not on noodles, but slightly below the surface on some oval net-raft thingy rated just under his weight. I proudly held the picnicware out for him to see. And noticed

A CRACK IN THE YELLOW TRAY ON THE BOTTOM!


Oh, dear. My bargain was now not so bargainful. I had paid FIVE DOLLARS for that set, and it was damaged, by cracky! At least I still had the receipt. Yesterday, I returned those damaged goods to Walmart. I was second in line, waited less than two minutes, and found another set quickly.

Hick was gone to Kansas to visit Genius for a day, so he has yet to try out his new egg bowl. I'm pretty sure that chicken I saw Copper the neighbor dog clutching in his mouth as he ran across the yard yesterday morning was our last remaining hen.

Even Steven is such a prankster. The neighbor dog, not so much.


25 comments:

  1. Can you hide chickens from a dog under a towel?

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    1. Oh, you can hide them! Doesn't mean they're safe...

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  2. Did I say hide a chicken from a dog under a towel? I mean hide a chicken under towel from the dog...either way it is a stupid comment...sorry.

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    1. There are no stupid comments. Only stupid commenters--wait a minute! That just doesn't sound polite. Sorry. Forget I said that!

      I knew what you meant! Let's discuss it over a dirty-water cocktail. You can drink it, and I'll toast you with one of those packets of Entenmann's Little Bites Crumb Cakes.

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  3. Oh Val, did you toss that hen to Copper? I smell a rat here.

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    1. Nope! Chickens are harder to catch than you might think. For a human, anyway.

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  4. I haven't encountered Even Steven nearly as much as you have.

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    1. I don't know if to congratulate you, or have sympathy for you!

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    2. How about ephen stephen?

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  5. My guy cannot make an egg without getting half of it ON the stove. And he never cleans his mess. Hick may have to go to town for eggs.

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    1. Well, look at the bright side. You only have HALF an egg on your stove!

      If Hick goes to town for his eggs, it will be an improvement over going to town for Casey's donuts.

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  6. At least you went back for a replacement, a mighty bargain still. You didn't find any money this time. Warm greetings!

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    1. Oh, the money story is coming!

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  7. Are you planning on speaking to Copper's owner? They should be buying you a chicken or two to replace the one their dog snagged.

    A day without Hick is a day without...?

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    1. As per Backroads unwritten law, the husband is the one to speak to the husband of the Copper family. Hick said he is going to mention it the next time he sees the guy. It's not considered good form to go knocking on the door complaining about a chicken-killer.

      These are the neighbors we LIKE. The guy has said before that if his dog is bothering us, he'll put him up. Meaning on a chain. I hate to see that happen to Copper. We only have about 4 chickens left, anyway.

      Hick will probably offer our shock collar, and a joint training session. Or, now that he's going to be retired in about 5 weeks...he might finally get a CO2 cartridge for the paintball gun. For Copper aiming. Not the neighbor.

      A day without Hick is a day without...a blog topic.

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  8. If the picnic set is microwave safe, you got a bargain. If not, it will still work, but won't last as long. I recently bought a four-cup microwave egg poacher, which works well, made by Decor, but you don't need to use all four cups if you only want to poach one egg, you just remove the remaining three cups. The instructions say to lightly spray each cup that you are using with oil so the egg doesn't stick and I would recommend Hick do that with the picnic set bowls too.

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    1. Hick hasn't attempted an egg in his new dishes yet. I'll pass on the spray instructions. Doesn't mean he'll do it...

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  9. You got a bargain there. My hubby is good about cleaning up after he cooks, and lately he's been doing most of the household chores. Guess I'll keep him another 49 years.

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    1. Sounds like YOU'RE the one who got a bargain! A kitchen-cleaning husband! Yes to the 49 more years. No need to be hasty and give him the boot after only 48.

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  10. Are you saying Hick is going to have to resort to store bought eggs now, between Copper the neighbor dog and Hicks lawnmower driving skills your chickens aren't fairing too well lately.

    At least you got a good deal at Wally World, and you even found the return line short, that's a win/win on your part.

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    1. Yes, our chicken numbers are dwindling. I think this black one is--I mean WAS--the hen who hatched that last batch of chicks.

      I've been suggesting for a while that Hick go buy another 6 or 12 Ameraucana chicks like we used to have. They lay the colored eggs, and are pretty hardy chickens. We had leghorns for a while, who laid a LOT of great big eggs, but seemed to get sick and not live for years like the Ameraucanas.

      Since the neighbor dogs started eating the chickens, I don't know if we want to deal with getting more. Hick LOVES the eggs, though.

      I couldn't believe my good luck in the return line. I even took in my driver's license, because they always used to ask for ID. Not this time. Forked the cash right over to me, even though I'd bought the dishes on the debit card.

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  11. HeWho fancies himself to be quite the chef in the cooking of eggs. He has his very own special little non stick skillet. Now worries about utensils scarring the surface of the pan ..... he flips the egg in the air and catches it in the pan. Most of the time.
    Admit it, you have taken a shine to Copper!

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    1. I don't even want to THINK about Hick flipping an egg without utensils!

      I will admit that I was just warming up to Copper and THEN HE BETRAYED ME! Copper has lost his luster.

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    2. Is Copper starting to tarnish?

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    3. Yes. I really wanted to give him a good polishing today, but that story is on my other blog for Thursday.

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