She Put a Bug in My Ear

I had the best day ever! Surprisingly enough, I was not at work!

Today I took off to drive my mom to the doctor. It was just routine, nothing serious. She had a morning lab appointment. I took it upon myself to drop her off at the door of the hospital, and pick her up when she was finished. Sure, she could have driven herself and parked in the lot and ridden the trolley driven by that old volunteer guy...but she's my MOM, by cracky. And those sick days aren't going to use themselves. They will disappear faster than an egg from Hick's chicken coop if I don't take them before the end of the school year. I'm at the max allowed, you know. They're part of my contract. Val is not one to throw away benefits all willy-nilly.

The thing with sick days is that you use them or lose them after 100 are accumulated. Many's the time Val has not taken a single day off throughout the year, sick or personal, and been rewarded with a thoughtful $150 check of appreciation, as put forth in the teacher handbook, from which retirement and taxes were withheld. Considering that a substitute is paid $75 per day...it looks like Val has been doing the district a favor all these years. Oh, she has tried to lessen the absentee burden even more by taking half days for appointments, only to be told, "It's really hard to get a sub to come in for a half day. You need to take the full day off." So be it. So has-been it.

But we're not here to talk about the state of Val's attendance. We're here to talk about my very special day. I dropped off The Pony at school, then headed to Mom's house. Where, I might add, I pulled into the driveway without invitation. We had enough time to run by my sister the ex-mayor's wife's house, where she was babysitting my niece's new baby of three months. Mom told me last night on our 10:30 phone call that I needed to go see the baby. I don't know why these folks have been harping at me. Val is not a baby person. I like the baby. I'm happy my niece has the baby. Her husband adores the baby. It's all a very sweet situation, kind of like the Alan Jackson song "Little Bitty." But that doesn't mean that I feel the need to see the baby. I just saw the baby at my uncle's funeral. I swear. It was getting like that harpy screeching at Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer: "You've GOT to see the BAAABY! I will admit, though, that she was breathtaking.

Because we stopped by to see the baby, Mom was only ten minutes early for her lab appointment. We had planned on it taking about ten minutes if she got there early, and them I'd drop her off and head to a rendezvous with my best old ex-teaching buddy Mabel. Mabel is on a permanent vacation. Even though she's busy building a new house, she takes time from staining to catch up with Val. Mom did not get out of her appointment until the time I was supposed to be meeting Mabel. So we picked her up, made her ride in The Pony's seat in the midst of his hoard, to chat while on the way to Mom's house.

Mabel and I had a wonderful visit. Of course we saw the entire population of Backroads pass by while we had breakfast (her), lunch (me), and took up a table for three hours. Then it was nearly time to pick up The Pony from school, so I dropped by Mom's for a half hour instead of going all the way back home.

Mom's house is a good way station to while away time, providing, of course, that the driveway is not off limits due to snow. Mom was watching a Cardinals' game, but stopped to tell me ecstatically that she had received a phone call from Genius, and talked for 20 minutes, until he said, "Uh, Grandma, I have to be across campus in class in 10 minutes."

I grabbed four throw pillows and plopped down on Mom's long couch for a half hour. We talked. Because, you know, we only have two phone conversations a day, plus that time in T-Hoe to and from the hospital. Just before it was time to leave, I felt a tickle in my outer ear. Not that cartilaginous flap on the side of my head. The smooth indentation behind the hole that leads to the tunnel to my brain. I reached up to scratch that tickle, and MY FINGER FELT SOMETHING CRUNCHY! That should not happen, people. Ears are smooth. Warm. Little bowl-shaped depressions that abut the hole. Definitely not crunchy.

Then it dawned on my what was in my ear. A BUG! A CRUNCHY BUG! ACK! RIGHT OVER THE HOLE IN MY HEAD! WITH ACCESS TO MY BRAIN! I dug. I tried not to push it farther in. I scooped at it with a fingernail. I got it! I flipped it out. I flung my arms to and fro. Maniacally. There it was! On the floor! A LADYBUG!

"Mom! I had a bug in my ear! It fell from the ceiling into my ear! A bug! MOM! A bug was in my ear! A ladybug! Yuck! Why didn't you help me? I though you would have run to me in order to assist me in removing it! But you just sat there!"

"Oh, it's just a ladybug. Besides, you were flapping your arms so much I was afraid I would get hurt. Those ladybugs come out when the weather gets warm. They live in the attic. Look at them on the wall over there."

THE HORROR. Mom didn't mean the attic. We were in the downstairs family room of her brick split-level home. She meant the drop ceiling. I looked where she motioned, and there was a line of ladybugs at the junction of her wall and ceiling. "Mom. Maybe you should call an exterminator."

"Well, they've been here since we had that big cloud of them years ago."

Uh huh. That was at least 14 years back. Around the time, give or take a couple years, when we had the 17-year cicada issue. Dang! I remember Mom vacuuming up ladybugs and letting them go outside. "Mom. You need to get rid of them. When I drop in for a visit three times a year, is it too much to expect to lay on the couch without a ladybug burrowing into my brain?"

"Oh, every night there's one that flies at me. It's nothing."

I beg to differ.