Monday, March 24, 2014

What Goes In Must Come Out

Here, here! Settle down. No good can come of stampeding for the door. Somebody's going to get hurt. Look out for that balding fellow with a whitish discoloration on his lip--the one who looks like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head. He might shove you down if you're an old lady with a walker. Really. There's no need to rush. I promise I'm not going to talk about feces transplants again.

Remember how Hick and I decided to cast the cats out of Outer Garagia? The ungrateful fleabags with their overactive bladders were exiled to relieve themselves elsewhere. Hopefully not in a corner of the parking garage at the mall. Or in the shower at the health club. I hear that is frowned upon. That could get you arrested. Or banned. Or earn you the nickname of The Urinator.

We've been feeding those foul felines outside the garage on a shelf on the breezeway. If one runs in, we shake that food pan and entice it out. Yet Hick found Genius-the-cat curled up on T-Hoe's hood the other day. And I found that fat tuxedo fellow clambering down from the rafters by way of a sideways-hung ladder with all the grace of a pink-tulle-tutued hippo auditioning for the position of understudy for a prima ballerina in Swan Lake.

Today when The Pony and I opened my side of the garage and aligned T-Hoe with the slot, I spied Genius-the-cat curled up on the concrete slab of our approach. "Hey! There's Genius! Let's get that door closed as soon as I get in, or he'll run inside and we'll have to catch him." Genius ran in, but The Pony shooed him out the people door to the awaiting food dish. The crank of that garage door is like a bell to Pavlov's dog to those felines. They come running, even if it means to take a bite of stale dry food that has been out since 6:00 a.m.

"Genius is out, but there's that gray cat that's been in here all day."

"What? I told your dad to keep them out! Why is he letting them come in when he leaves? This is never going to work."

The Pony walked over to Hick's garage door. Bent down. Made a 'CLICK' noise. " would help if we locked the cat door."

"WHAT? I told him the very first day we kicked them out, 'We have to lock the cat door.' What in the world is he thinking? They can come in and out all day! They haven't been kicked out at all!"

"It WAS locked. But Dad unlocked it the other day. He said they needed a way to get out in case they got inside in the morning."

At the rate I'm pulling my hair out, I'm going to need to put the wig master of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in the #1 position on my speed dial.


  1. Another day in the life . . . Funny stuff!

  2. New game, how many Seinfeld references in a Val post?

    I count two today...pee in the shower, and wig master.

    There is some logic to the cat door thing, but it may be just a tad flawed.
    Oh wait...three, knocking down the old lady with a walker. I think I may have missed two but I can't place them...the Urinator and the pink tutu.

  3. So far it sounds like the cats are winning this battle.

  4. Donna,
    Funny, ha ha...or funny, peculiar? I'll settle for either.

    Oh, dear. You are simply a novice. TWO? There are SEVEN. Good for remembering the walker lady. The Urinator was from the health club shower. The pink tutu? Not Seinfeld. It's from a Loony Toon, perhaps.

    Here is your list:
    *whitish discoloration on lip-George thought he had cancer
    *Humpty Dumpty with a melon head-movie ticket taker description of George
    *old lady with a walker-George shoved her at the birthday party fire
    *peeing in the parking garage-Jerry got picked up by security
    *health club shower peeing-George the "Urinator"
    *wig master-let Kramer wear the dreamcoat
    *number one on speed dial-Jerry wanted to replace his girlfriend's step-mom as #1

    Better luck next time. Thanks for playing.

    They have us over a barrel. I think they are also implicated in the sudden death of one of our large fake-pond goldfish last week.

  5. Their logic only makes sense to them ........ Hick and He Who. The fence fell down again today in the wind .... keep in mind that the original blow down happened in November. He keeps propping it up. But, progress has been made. The new posts are set. At this rate I should have it up by next Spring.

  6. Kathy,
    Our fence is up. It is actually more goat-catcher than fence. We now have three who get their heads stuck. Goats are not rocket scientists.