Thursday, March 27, 2014

Me Called Pretty One Day

"I'll get you, my pretty!"

Yeah. I think I heard the clerk at the convenience store cackle that threat at me last night. I can't be sure. I was working up a good mad, so the blood pounding in my ears might have prevented proper auditory signals from reaching my brain.

I just ran in for a minute. To get The Pony a Sprite in a bottle. We had called in a pizza on the way home, after The Pony's academic team practice going over by a half hour. The Pony prefers to eat his pizza in the car while it's hot. Since he has a chauffeur, nothing really stands in his way. But he does request that Sprite to wash it down. I'm selfless like that. Stopping at a convenience store just to get my Pony a drink.

Since I was stopping anyway, I saw no harm in grabbing a 44 oz. Diet Coke. The fountain is right there, you see, on the way to the register after picking up a 20 oz. bottle of Sprite from the cooler. As luck and schemin' Even Steven would have it, I was without a refill cup. So I strolled in empty-handed. Oh, and I forgot the Sprite.

The clerk was that kind of hateful old lady who says all transactions out loud. She glanced up as I came in the door. I think they're trained to do that, in case maybe I'm an escaped axe murderer bent on mayhem. She had one customer at the counter. He was soon gone as I stepped up to the fountain and pulled a cup. The Wicked Witch of the West looked at me, then busied herself by poking her flying monkeys under the counter with her broom handle. Or something. I stuck my cup against the metal dangly thing for ice. SILENCE. Not a rumble, not a clunk, not a sound. I tried again. No dice, no ice.

"Are we out of ice?"

"I don't know. I haven't checked." Again with busywork, probably pinching Toto in that little basket on the floor at her feet. I filled my 44 oz. cup most of the way with Diet Coke, leaving room for ice from Frig's freezer door dispenser. Dang. Even Steven was busting my hump. I may or may not have emitted an audible sigh.

I walked up front and turned in two winning scratch-off tickets. Then I bought three more. Even Steven. I did, however, pull out a twenty to break for smaller bills. "That's fifteen dollars in, and fifteen dollars out in tickets. Is that a refill?" I guess she was testing me.

"No. This is a new one."

"A dollar fifty-seven..."

"Oh. I forgot the Sprite. I'm getting one out of the cooler." I walked the ten paces to the back and snagged a green bottle." There were still no other customers. I put the Sprite on the counter.

"One twenty-five. Is that all?"

"Yes. That's it."

"Out of twenty...did you try the other machine?"

"No. I didn't. I'm in a hurry."

NOW the WWoftheW had the nerve to ask. She was referring to the Pepsi fountain. Which was right next to the Coca Cola fountain. Of course I would not sully my new cup with ice from a Pepsi machine! That would be barbaric. Who in their right mind would push their new 44 oz. cup under the nozzle for ice from a PEPSI machine? Not this old Val. I have standards.

I didn't even think about getting ice from the Pepsi fountain.

I wonder if the WWoftheW would melt if Diet Coke got accidentally spilled on her?


  1. See I would have thought that ice was ice, but then we aren't to particular about drinks and stuff in NJ.

  2. Did David Sedaris prance along the yellow brick road in front of the gas station?

  3. I have had days where I am tempted to douse the first person who crosses me. But Val, ice is in the ice bin, and doesn't come into contact with the wicked beverage I shall not mention.

  4. I am kind of lost here because ice is not the issue. You drink that stuff? I know, none of my business, but surly ice from the Pepsi machine is not THAT bad?

  5. I know I've said it before but in my opinion diet Pepsi tastes better than diet Coke. If we're talking about "the real thing" then Coke is better.

  6. Out of curiosity, if the ice had been for the pony would you have stretched your standards? Learned about your blog from Chubby Chatterbox -- definitely worth the visit!

  7. I'm almost feeling sorry for WWotW. She hates her job, she hates her life. Still, that's no way to treat Val. We should all know which side of the Coke/Pepsi fence we are on and not try to push anyone across, even if it's only ice.

  8. joeh,
    Yeah, the dirty-water cocktail crowd is not all that discriminating when it comes to what they put in their drinks.
    He did not. He is sitting sedately on the shelf in my dark basement lair.

    Well, of course I know that! You didn't want me to acknowledge that I was simply too stupid to realize that I could get ice out of the other machine, did you?


    I will excuse your inquiry, because you are new here, and not well-versed in the ways of Val. You see, Val is never wrong. It is the world that conspires against her. Had I noticed that I could get ice from the Pepsi machine all on my own, it would have been a most scathingly brilliant idea. But since the WWoftheW had to ask me about it, I did not want to admit my ignorance. I was high school valedictorian, you know!

    WHAT? Do you and Tabor own stock in PepsiCo? You poor-mouth my magical elixir like Hick poor-mouths my sweet, sweet Juno. Next thing you know, Diet Coke will be responsible for eating up the eggs in the chicken coop.

    I think we've also established that for taste in a can or bottle, Diet A&W Root Beer, and Diet Mountain Dew are king. Shh...don't want my 44 oz. fountain friend to hear that.

    Welcome to Thevictorian land!

    What The Pony doesn't know won't hurt him. However, he prefers his soda in a hermetically sealed bottle, not on ice, and cannot even finish 20 oz. Can you believe he doesn't have one every day? He might possibly have been switched at the hospital.

    I hope you enjoyed your visit, and return often. However...the Truth in Blogging Law requires me to inform you that nobody is immune from my smart-alecky comment responses.

    Thank you for the VALidation! "Different Cokes for different folks." I think that's what they say in the south, where all sodas are Cokes.

  9. Here visiting you for the first time thanks to Mr Chubby Chatterbox!
    Like Arnie- I'll be back- you are priceless!

  10. Kathe W.
    Welcome! Drop in anytime. Some days you'll get silliness, some days you'll get crankiness, and some days you'll swear I slipped an Ambien mickey between the lines.

  11. Did you, perhaps, have to re-align your desks before this visit?

  12. stephen sent me over...
    soda would probably eat the WWoftheW, have you seen what it will do to a penny?

  13. Kathy,
    I did not have time, what with rushing outside for parking lot duty, grabbing a stack of papers that needed copying, getting called to the library mid-Kyocera for an impromptu faculty meeting, then stealing time for a long-awaited bathroom break before collecting my copies.

    The Cleaner was upon my classroom before I had time to yell Magic Eraser. That morning, I had only to restore the back row. I'm not sure of the significance of only moving ONE row farther apart. The ONE row that gums up the works of my traffic flow.
    Well, if the WWoftheW had cut her teeth on soda like I did, she would be safe, now wouldn't she? Folks are too soft these days. My stomach lining could show that namby-pamby penny a thing or two!

  14. The Chattering Chucklebox . . or is it the Chuckling Chatterbox . . sent me here and I'm glad I came. Be careful, Val, I'll be watching.

  15. Catalyst,
    Welcome to the cat house. Er...perhaps that's not the best way to phrase my greeting. Now that you're watching, I can blame that eerie feeling on YOU, and not on the headless man who appeared in my basement.

  16. Lol well written funny stuff :)

  17. mirthiless,
    Thanks. I'm funnier when I actually have ice in my 44 oz. Diet Coke.