Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Now Appearing in "Front Window"

My mom is a regular Agent 99, a Natasha Fatale, an Emma Peele, a Secret Squirrel. Who knew she has been spying on the guy across the road? Not me. Not him. Until she let it slip the other day, when I asked if that guy ever got the fallen tree out of his driveway. This is the neighbor my mom said she would NOT take food to, even if he was blocked in by that fallen tree, because "He has a wife!" And therefore deserves to starve, or can use her as a Donner snack.

"So, did that man ever get the tree out of his driveway?"

"Not exactly. He's been working at it. I feel sorry for him."

"Not sorry enough to lend him your chainsaw."

"No. I don't even know if that chainsaw works. But he must not know anyone with a chainsaw, because he has been out there sawing at that big tree with just a hand saw. He's got most of it out of the way. He can drive off the edge of his driveway and go around the big trunk."

"You would have thought he'd call somebody by now and have it hauled away, or cut up."

"Well, you would think so. But he still goes out with the hand saw. I really don't think he can get the rest of it by himself. With a hand saw. It looks really hard to try and cut through that big part."

"I guess it will just have to rot."

"I can't believe what he's been doing with those smaller branches. I thought he would just toss them aside. But he takes them over to the Czech's side of the driveway, and tosses them onto his land! I'm surprised the Czech hasn't noticed. I don't think he'd like that very much. He takes care of his yard."

"This guy must be from the city, moving out here without a chainsaw. He probably thinks that the Czech's yard is just the woods. It is kind of overgrown from that driveway to his mowed yard."

"I think he left it that way so he wouldn't have to see the people on the other side. I don't like it that the man can sit on his porch and look over here at me. I don't like to work in the yard when he's out. And he's there three or four times a day."

"Well, he has brought your mail and checked on you during the snowstorms. He can't be all that bad."

"Maybe not. But he shouldn't be throwing his limbs in the Czech's yard."

My mom. If Hitchcock had met her first, he would have made a movie called "Front Window." Mom may not have a working chainsaw, but I think she has an axe to grind.


  1. Your mom's neighborhood was infiltrated by a Czech? Those fur-ners always screw up the place, what with their taking care of their yard and all.

    Maybe your mom's limb-tossing neighbor is trying to drive out the Czech, so he can savor the decline of the community, once he makes a real mess of things...

  2. Maybe the tree branches are just there to cover whatever was buried in the Czech's yard. I'd recommend Mom get an old camera with a flash so she can blind intruders until the police arrive to rescue her.

  3. I think there's trouble brewing in them there woods. Tossing limbs, why the nerve!

  4. I can't figure out why you didn't walk over there and ask the guy if he wanted some help from someone with a chain saw.

  5. This does sound like the beginning of an interesting thriller novel.

  6. Sioux,
    When he moved in, Dumb Sawyer came over and asked my mom if she would mind him parking cars in front of her house for a family reunion. She thought he meant two or three cars. They lined the entire front of her property, and the other side of the road as well. I said, "Who are they related to...the Duggars?"

    The Czech LOVES Mom's Check Mix. And the hand-me-down tabloids. They've been great neighbors. He makes doors at a home improvement store.

    Mom and electronic gadgets are a match made in not-heaven. She'd be better off felling a tree in her yard with her chainsaw and lighting it on fire to blind intruders.

    I'm surprised he could still toss. According to Mom, he uses a tiny little hand saw. She might mean a hacksaw. I asked if she would help if he had one of those lumberjack two-handled saws. She said, "No! He has a wife. She needs to help him, not me."

    Hold your horses, buddy! I don't live across from him, and I don't have a chainsaw. So I'm obviously off the hook. If I offered Mom's chainsaw services, she would not look favorably upon me. My chances of rising above Five-Dollar-Daughter status would be nil.

    It doesn't help that Mom gave the tire repair service her keys last week, with her HOUSE keys still attached! I lectured her long and hard about that. She'd better keep her chainsaw beside the bed.