This morning, as I tried to squeeze out my final five winks of a recliner nap, Hick charged past me like a lame hippo. He walks like he has no feet on the end of his ankles. And he's not too particular about staying in the open traffic areas at 6:00 a.m. He sideswipes furniture like The Pony drives those Fast & Furious cars in the gameroom at Walmart. It may come as a complete shock to The Pony that he is expected to keep his Ford Ranger on the road, and not on the sidewalk, mowing down streetlights like there's no tomorrow.
I picked up the phone for my mom's daily morning call. I heard Hick stumping through the laundry room to feed the dogs on the back porch. I heard Hick stumping back through the kitchen to where the microwave was humming with a sausage biscuit in its innards, a sausage biscuit wrenched from Frig's freezer, along with a bottle of water snagged from the fridge area beside the lunches I'd already prepared for The Pony and myself. I heard and felt Hick stumping behind the La-Z-Boy on his way to the bedroom. All very distracting while trying to watch the weather and make small talk with a septuagenarian. Val does more before 6:10 a.m. than the army does all day.
"Just a minute, Mom. There's some kind of crisis developing here. WHAT are you doing? You've usually left by now."
"I lost my billfold. I just reached for it, and it's not in my pocket. I thought maybe I left it here on the dresser."
"Is it there?"
"I'll talk to you in a minute, Mom. What about your pants from yesterday? What were you wearing? You mowed the yard. You went to town for propane and lawnmower gas. You grilled."
"Huh. I can't find it. I have no idea where I lost it."
"Maybe it's in the yard. Maybe it fell out of your pocket. You can look out there."
"I don't know what I'm going to do."
"You'll have to retrace your steps."
"Wait a minute." Hick stumped back past the La-Z-Boy to the kitchen. "I think I laid it down in here...Here it is! On the counter!"
"Don't worry, Mom. He found it. I think he was laying out receipts for me to deal with after buying gas yesterday. I know. Yeah. Nobody's happier than me that he found it. I'm sure a woman such as yourself, who loses her phone EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE PUTS IT IN HER PURSE can relate."
"I haven't put my phone in there since last week! I always carry it in my hand now, and leave it in the car when I go in the store!"
"Okay. Anyway. Crisis averted."
I'm sure Juno would have done her part in finding such a valuable chunk of chewable leather.