Monday, April 7, 2014

He'd Forget His Head if it Wasn't For That Thin Flap of Skin Called a Neck

This morning, as I tried to squeeze out my final five winks of a recliner nap, Hick charged past me like a lame hippo. He walks like he has no feet on the end of his ankles. And he's not too particular about staying in the open traffic areas at 6:00 a.m. He sideswipes furniture like The Pony drives those Fast & Furious cars in the gameroom at Walmart. It may come as a complete shock to The Pony that he is expected to keep his Ford Ranger on the road, and not on the sidewalk, mowing down streetlights like there's no tomorrow.

I picked up the phone for my mom's daily morning call. I heard Hick stumping through the laundry room to feed the dogs on the back porch. I heard Hick stumping back through the kitchen to where the microwave was humming with a sausage biscuit in its innards, a sausage biscuit wrenched from Frig's freezer, along with a bottle of water snagged from the fridge area beside the lunches I'd already prepared for The Pony and myself. I heard and felt Hick stumping behind the La-Z-Boy on his way to the bedroom. All very distracting while trying to watch the weather and make small talk with a septuagenarian. Val does more before 6:10 a.m. than the army does all day.

"Just a minute, Mom. There's some kind of crisis developing here. WHAT are you doing? You've usually left by now."

"I lost my billfold. I just reached for it, and it's not in my pocket. I thought maybe I left it here on the dresser."

"Is it there?"


"Oh...that's terrible!"

"I'll talk to you in a minute, Mom. What about your pants from yesterday? What were you wearing? You mowed the yard. You went to town for propane and lawnmower gas. You grilled."

"Huh. I can't find it. I have no idea where I lost it."

"Maybe it's in the yard. Maybe it fell out of your pocket. You can look out there."

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

"You'll have to retrace your steps."

"Wait a minute." Hick stumped back past the La-Z-Boy to the kitchen. "I think I laid it down in here...Here it is! On the counter!"

"Don't worry, Mom. He found it. I think he was laying out receipts for me to deal with after buying gas yesterday. I know. Yeah. Nobody's happier than me that he found it. I'm sure a woman such as yourself, who loses her phone EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE PUTS IT IN HER PURSE can relate."

"I haven't put my phone in there since last week! I always carry it in my hand now, and leave it in the car when I go in the store!"

"Okay. Anyway. Crisis averted."

I'm sure Juno would have done her part in finding such a valuable chunk of chewable leather.


  1. Wallets, cell phones, glasses, clothes. Life was so much easier when everyone was naked and afraid.

  2. I know that when I lose something I usually find it in plain sight.

  3. AND Juno would have "softened" the leather for Hick.

    That's how selfless she is...

  4. My husband did some work in the back bedroom...the one he keeps the door to closed to save 50 cents worth of energy. He left his wallet in there. Closed the door and searched the house for his wallet, never once going back through the closed door. He called the bank and canceled all his cards and had new reissued. A week later he opened the door and well, you know the rest of the story. Loved your last post about the donations, too.

  5. I can so relate, as I'm always losing things. You do have a way with words. Write a book, will ya?

  6. The stumping makes me giggle uncontrollably. I think because I too have known people with no feet on the ends of their ankles. I'm glad all is well again in the Thevictorian household.

  7. Leenie,
    If Hick was naked, you WOULD be afraid! He used to traipse down the basement steps to get to the hot tub out back. Whichever boy was laying on the basement couch in front of the TV would shudder with horror for hours.

    I commend you for finding it yourself. Around here, I am considered the keeper and hider of all things lost.

    I am so glad somebody else can see Juno for the helpmate she really is.

    Seems like he expended more energy than he saved. If only he had maintained control of his wallet, HE could have donated to the Extraordinary Dance as well.

    I am actually doing you a favor, because I'm selfless, like Juno. Because if I wrote a book, you would buy it or check it out from the library, and then, because you lose things, my book would disappear, and then the library police would come a-knockin'. I might just as well give a mouse a cookie.

    How dare you make light of the unfooted stumpers! Do you think it's easy, careening around like a drunken Frankenstein, frightening those who sit below in their dark basement lairs with the certain knowledge that an unfooted stumper will imminently crash through the floor above and onto their unprotected heads?