Anything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned on Television

I just had the most scathingly brilliant idea!

You might have noticed the recent popularity of cable network shows such as Doomsday Preppers, Doomsday Bunkers, and the newest, Apocalypse 101. So I figured that since people are genuinely interested in this subject, I will avail my proposed handbasket factory to educate the prepping masses. Yep. When I'm not hefting a hammer, hacking away at those highly-crafted handbaskets, I will offer classes in how to select your doomsday companions.

I saw one of the prepper shows where some aging hippie folks lived in an old missile silo. It was underground, of course. But they had it tricked out so you wouldn't notice too much. And they had a little group of people that they were planning to share their abode with when doomsday comes a-callin'. Apparently they put a lot of thought into it. However...they looked like the meekiest band of meeks that ever meeked, just sitting ducks waiting for their recently-inherited earth to be ripped from their grasp as the non-meeks pounded them into a pulp. Hippies are not the best at designing a security plan, it seems. I, myself, could have wrested power, property, and probably pot away from these withered flower children. How hard is it to take down a harpist? And I swear, when they wanted to address the group, they passed around a flute of some sort like it was the conch in Lord of the Flies.

But getting back to my plan...every post-apocalyptic society needs a hoarder. That's right. A hoarder. Forget the mechanic and the doctor and the chef and the farmer. Surely you've see those shows, too. Hoarders. Hoarding: Buried Alive. So you must see what I'm getting at. How hard could it be to overpower a hoarder? To kidnap one, even. They're not exactly working out in there like a prison inmate who does billions of pushups and situps in his cell each day. Hoarders are soft. Cushy. Plump. Or a bag o' bones. And forget fighting back. They may have many a weapon, some new in the box piled up near the ceiling, but they can't get their hands on it quick. Taking supplies from a hoarder would be like taking candy from a baby. Except you probably wouldn't want to put it in your mouth.

Of course, you would not want to injure your hoarder. Nope. Just trick him. Puff in some smoke to calm him like a bee. Blindfold him with some old clothes laying around, and lead him out of his house like a horse from a flaming barn. Explain how sad you are that all of his hoard perished. BUT...you can set him up with new stuff. See? You can go out into the post-apocalyptic landscape and scavenge and plunder, while your own supplies are safe, under the care of a hoarder. The hoarder will be ever-vigilant. Fool him once, shame on him. Fool him twice...I don't think so.

An added bonus of having your own hoarder is that you never know what you might salvage from his stuff that you didn't really destroy. You might have to trade it, or make it into something he won't recognize. But you will have one of everything at your disposal.

Also, the hoarder is unlikely to complain. He's used to having no running water. No refrigeration. No working toilet. He will pee and poop in a baggie if you ask him to. And don't worry about feeding him. If any of your foodstuffs look iffy, smell like they've gone over, just don't seem quite edible...give them to the hoarder. It will be a delicacy as far as he's concerned. No need to worry about where the hoarder will sleep. Give him an old bathrobe for a blanket, and a tiny hollowed-out space in which to curl up, and he'll arise bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, if a bit rumpled.

All in all, the hoarder's benefits outweigh any doubts of his mental stability. He will be an asset to any burgeoning colony.

No charge for your first lesson.