Friday, July 29, 2016

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #19

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to entice you to fake-buy my fake book.

This week, I tear a page from my interminable extra-long workmanlike life-affirming teaching career to reveal some (alleged) drama that definitely happened may have played out I heard about at the lunch table does not represent any real people or incidents that occurred, unless purely coincidental. Take a walk on the riled side, and fake-buy my fake book!

The Checkerboard-Tile Jungle

Telma and Louisa meet most mornings for coffee. Telma, principal of Not Your Public School Academy, relies on Louisa to bring her up-to-speed on the goings-on in the trenches. Lately, there has been a problem with Cutesey Newgal. Cutesey wears little-to-the-imagination leggings and revealing lace tops. She spends more time on her phone than on her lessons. Students don't complain, getting 'A's without effort. Nor do the not-A-students. The weekend parties Cutesey throws more than make up for their lackluster record.

Now Cutesey has been seen on surveillance cameras, antagonizing her fellow faculty. Namely, members of the Woeful Wagging Tongues clique. A copier job interrupted and deleted, a doorstop stolen, on-purpose tardy passes written after the bell, lunches missing from the faculty fridge...Cutesy doesn't have a leg to stand on as she skates on thin ice.

Will Telma and Louisa take Cutesy for a long ride off a tall cliff? (150 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Pat Conroy…”The water is not wide enough to protect the reading public from this fake book!” 

Bel KaufmanIt has come to my attention that Ms. Thevictorian has not been going up the UP staircase, nor down the DOWN staircase, choosing instead to declare herself special and take the elevator both ways. I'd like to say her fake book also has its ups and downs, but, unfortunately, it has only downs.” 

E.R. Braithwaite…To Val, With Shock: This fake book is pure trash. It should be tossed into the classroom stove like an unsanitary napkin and burned to a crisp.” 

Harry K. Wong…”Obviously, this author has never set foot inside an actual school. If there's only one fake book you don't fake-read prior to starting your teaching career, make it this one.” 

Mrs. Rayburn…”I have not been exposed to subject matter this shocking since Theodore Cleaver wore a 3-eyed Martian sweatshirt to school. Unlike Theodore's classmates, I am not tittering. I think Val Thevictorian should be sent back to her dark basement lair to fake-write a fake book that is more appropriate than this low-class effort."

Robin Williams as John Keating…”If only Thevictorian was a member of the Dead Author's Society, I would jump up on my desk and implore my students to Sleaze the Day and read this piece of dreck so that none of them would ever be tempted to fake-write anything so abominable."


  1. Bel Kaufman. (I thought I was the last living person who knew the magic of her "Down Staircase.") Harry Wong got some of it wrong. Mrs. Rayburn. (Did she wear a bulletproof something under her dresses? She looked quite, uh, solid. Dead Poets Society. The Blackboard Jungle. They all came out to either review this tale or make an appearance.

    (Did Braithwaite write "To Sir With Love"? Don't bother answering, as I will consult Doctor Google (that is what MY genius calls it) to find out. That is one of my favorite teacher movies. Of course, having a handsome, charming man playing the lead character doesn't hurt it one bit.

    You and I thinking alike? That IS scary. Perhaps it was that drive to Cape Giradeau and back that did it...

    1. I'm sure your checkup with Dr. Google revealed that you are batting 1.000 this time. I really hated to leave out one of my new (within the last 20 years!) favorite teaching movies, "Bad Teacher."

      I think you put something in that fudge to make me a zombie to your thought processes.

  2. Love this line : "If there's only one fake book you don't fake-read prior to starting your teaching career, make it this one.”

    1. And people are following that advice all willy-nilly! Whether they know it or not.

  3. I love your blurbs but I truly enjoy your fake reviews too! They are so creative! I wish your creativeness would rub off on me!

    1. Let the record show that I truly love writing the fake reviews more than writing the fake book blurb!

      You don't want anything Val to rub off on you! Take my word for it.

      You are plenty creative, and come up with angles that don't occur to me.