Sunday, July 5, 2015

Val Thevictorian's Opening Argument

I am firmly convinced that if I was away for an extended period of time, Hick and The Pony would survive on cans of beans opened with a pocket knife, warmed over a fire. Forget the fire part. They would eat them at room temperature.

How can men not grasp the basic concept of package-opening? I give you Exhibit A.
And Exhibit B.

Hick grabbed a bag of chips for lunch, to have with his leftover July 4th BBQ hot dog. You'd think a grown man was capable of pulling open the top of a bag of Ruffles. But you'd only be half right. Hick got that bag open enough to gather some ridged chips. Barely.

That bag was only partially opened. The middle had a hole. I seriously double that Hick's ham hand fit inside. More likely he dumped chips out of that aperture onto his plate. When I went to get some later, I found that the edges were still sealed. The top of that bag looked like one of those rubber coin oval thingies that used to be given away by banks and credit unions. The kind with a slit on one side that opens when you squeeze the ends.

Within ten minutes of the Hick opening, The Pony was sent to get a quart plastic bag to pack his soap for the trip to his engineering camp. You can't just simply set a pump bottle of soap into a suitcase. You know that, right? Apparently, The Pony did not. He huffed a bit when sent to open a box of ZipLocks. Now I know why.

He attempted to open that box from the end. Like it didn't have those little perforations in a smile pattern to pry open and grab a bag one at a time. I don't know how he planned on getting out a bag from the end. But he made sure to unseal and bend back each of the four flaps. Then he ripped the smile just enough to weasel out one bag.

Let's hope nobody severs a tongue on the jagged rim while trying to eat some beans out of the hobo can. And that if they do, they don't try to save it for the paramedics in a ZipLock bag.

11 comments:

  1. What would happen if Hick was on his own for the day--say you and The Pony went to a workshop--and he had to prepare his own lunch? Getting out lunch meat or a left-over hot dog. Another bag of chips to break into like it's Fort Knox. Deciding what to do with his trash and plates/utensils.

    OMG.

    I hope this never happens... like in less than a week...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What kind of heartless wench do you take me for, Madam? Hick will not be left alone! He could get a call from The Good Feet Store to come in and have his $1000 shoe inserts refurbished for double the price of a new pair. Oh, and he might founder himself on hot dogs and six-week-old bologna.

      Therefore...Hick will be driving The Pony and I to our literary destination. He will drop us off, then be free to roam the city for Goodwill stores, flea markets, antique shops, and girly shows (which would be the cheapest of four evils).

      Perhaps he can find a box of Goodwill Meat to assuage his hunger. It is not my concern, as I, along with The Pony, will be feasting on a catered sandwich.

      Delete
  2. Sometimes we guys are dumb as dirt, but you didn't hear it from me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephen,
      Watch out. Joe is calling the Bro-Code police!

      Admitting you have this problem is the first step. At least it doesn't affect your ability to kill spiders.

      Delete
  3. Most of those containers are designed by sadistic women.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course they are. We especially enjoy making you guys read the directions that are of no help whatsoever.

      Delete
  4. I wish I could make fun of them. Some of those little smiles aren't perforated enough! I open a box of macaroni and cheese using a butter knife, Norman-Bates-style.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think those perforations are actually areas of reinforcement. I do the same thing with the ends of the Reynolds Wrap boxes, to keep the tube from coming out. And Saran Wrap, too.

      Delete
  5. Oh-ho-ho. See, Val, the women have trouble with those nasty packaging items too. I just opened a big bag of cat food. It had a string helpfully hanging out of one end. I pulled it along the top of the bag. It tore the bag but didn't do a thing about opening it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we do. But that does not support my man-bashing agenda, so it will not be mentioned. Congratulations on your bag-tearing accomplishment. Kitty is still hungry, so stop resting on your laurels and start hacking at the bag with a pocketknife.

      Delete