Well. Turns out you were right.
Let the record show that Val takes a hot dog in her school
lunch every day. Don’t you worry about Val. That is healthier and tastier than what passes for
food slopped onto the cafeteria trays these days. But it’s not just a regular
run-of-the-mill, non-garden variety of hot dog. It’s half a hot dog, cold, on
half a bun. That’s because the hot dogs are the big ones from Save A Lot. It’s
cold, because Val can’t take time out of her precious 20-minute lunch hour to
heat it, and doesn’t keep mustard in her mini-fridge anyway. And what good is
half a hot dog without half a bun? No good. That’s for sure. So what we have
here is a quick and easy lunch that can save time and be transported to the
cafeteria with an individual bag of chips and a bottle of water at 10:53 a.m.
for a sumptuous repast.
After the unfortunate events last Wednesday, when I had to
rush from school at 9:00 a.m., a half-hot-dog remained in my mini fridge. And
remained through Thursday, through Friday, through Saturday, and through
Sunday. On Monday I brought a new half hot dog. I meant to throw away the one
from the mini fridge, but I was busy with other things, like 27 assignments
from a homebound pupil, some of which were from October.
Tuesday, I brought the other half of my freshly-made Monday
hot dog. I put it in the mini fridge beside the lingering hot dog. At the
stroke of 10:53, I went to fetch it for my lunch. As I put it on the paper
plate, I noticed something amiss with the bun. IT WAS A GREEN SPOT THE SIZE OF
A TIC TAC! My bun was moldy! So I did what any normal person would do, and
rather than go through the line for a school lunch of chicken nuggets, I
grabbed my lingering half-hot-dog.
My impromptu entrée was good enough. It tasted a little
funny, but I thought nothing of it. After all, the hot dog had been laying in
the bun for six days. I figured they were picking up each other’s flavors.
Wednesday morning, I grabbed the big bag of hot dogs to make
two new halves of lunch. Oh, dear. ONE OF THE HOT DOGS WAS GREEN! Not neon
green, not day-glow green, but green. Kind of a brownish grayish green that is
only found on the surface of meat or meat substitutes. So I took that hot dog
and the four left in the pack, and made The Pony feed them to my sweet, sweet
Juno. Now I was hotdogless for lunch.
I couldn’t bring myself to take tuna salad. Those
persnickety lunchmates would no doubt turn up their noses. So I foraged around
in the pantry. Mmmm. Sardines in mustard sauce. Again, a no-go for the
fish-hating nugget-eaters. The only alternative was potted meat. Talk about
jumping from the frying pan into the fire! I spread that potted meat on a hot
dog bun to look like a hot dog. A whole bun. This was not a fat bloated hot
dog.
Many eyes were upon my meal. But nobody dared say a word.
Too bad I couldn't even win the Unhealthiest Lunch trophy. The large bag of chocolate-covered peanuts washed down by a 20-ounce Coke took that prize.
Ye-gods! And you're teaching the youth of today!
ReplyDeleteI had to Google "potted meat." Yeech!
ReplyDeleteHey! Chocolate and Coca-Cola are two of the four food groups for teachers. (The others are liquor and aspirin.)
ReplyDeleteYou were robbed of that Unhealthiest Lunch Trophy.
ReplyDeleteRevolting. Teachers with crappy pay, no time to eat and no time to go to the bathroom should be revolting. Survival requires a strong stomach and a twisted sense of humor. The comments prove this.
ReplyDeleteWe used to eat potted meat when I was a kid, but I haven't had potted meat in a long time. I loved it smeared on white bread. Also loved Vienna sausages in a can.
ReplyDeleteI love burned hot dogs on a whole bun. Potted meat,Spam, fried bologna...better than belly bombers.
ReplyDeleteCatalyst,
ReplyDeleteThey should be teaching ME! Unfortunately, I am not always a receptive student. Like when that girl did a science project where she mummified a hot dog, using some of the same substances as the ancient Egyptians.
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joeh,
Look who's all hoity-toity and horrified by miscellaneous liquified hoofed-animal lips, intestines, and anuses! Don't worry about Val. The mixture was preserved with enough salt so that it could sit right next to honey for thousands of years in the tomb, and still be perfectly edible when dug up.
*****
Sioux,
We need our strength for wrestling our freshly-shampooed heads out from the grasp of the faucet and faculty restroom sink after a difficult day in the trenches.
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Stephen,
I suppose that's my just desserts for telling those worm-protein discussers about that lady with the leech up her nose on vacation. I didn't have a chance of winning.
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Leenie,
I have the next best thing: a twisted stomach and a strong sense of humor. I need it for figuring out things like how my nephew with no college made more than me in his first year as a custodian with Ameren Missouri than I do with a Master's degree and over 20 years of teaching. Good for him. If only I had been more informed when I chose my career path.
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Donna,
Mmm...must be a regional thing. I used to think potted meat was the same thing as deviled ham. Au contraire. They are not identical.
*****
Linda,
Yep. It's a midwestern thing, I guess. I used to work for an insurance salvage store magnate who said he grew up very poor on a farm, and had fresh pork and beef every meal. It was a treat when his dad brought home a can of SPAM or TREET.
When I was at my dad's, Mama pulled out the can of Spam for Spam sandwiches. Having been at her mercy for months, eating whatever she served, like it or not ..... I politely declined on the Spam sandwich and did without. I figure fasting is no big deal, since I seem to have stored up reserves in my thighs and hips.
ReplyDelete