And You Thought Hot Dogs Were Unhealthy

Well. Turns out you were right.

Let the record show that Val takes a hot dog in her school lunch every day. Don’t you worry about Val. That is healthier and tastier than what passes for food slopped onto the cafeteria trays these days. But it’s not just a regular run-of-the-mill, non-garden variety of hot dog. It’s half a hot dog, cold, on half a bun. That’s because the hot dogs are the big ones from Save A Lot. It’s cold, because Val can’t take time out of her precious 20-minute lunch hour to heat it, and doesn’t keep mustard in her mini-fridge anyway. And what good is half a hot dog without half a bun? No good. That’s for sure. So what we have here is a quick and easy lunch that can save time and be transported to the cafeteria with an individual bag of chips and a bottle of water at 10:53 a.m. for a sumptuous repast.

After the unfortunate events last Wednesday, when I had to rush from school at 9:00 a.m., a half-hot-dog remained in my mini fridge. And remained through Thursday, through Friday, through Saturday, and through Sunday. On Monday I brought a new half hot dog. I meant to throw away the one from the mini fridge, but I was busy with other things, like 27 assignments from a homebound pupil, some of which were from October.

Tuesday, I brought the other half of my freshly-made Monday hot dog. I put it in the mini fridge beside the lingering hot dog. At the stroke of 10:53, I went to fetch it for my lunch. As I put it on the paper plate, I noticed something amiss with the bun. IT WAS A GREEN SPOT THE SIZE OF A TIC TAC! My bun was moldy! So I did what any normal person would do, and rather than go through the line for a school lunch of chicken nuggets, I grabbed my lingering half-hot-dog.

My impromptu entrée was good enough. It tasted a little funny, but I thought nothing of it. After all, the hot dog had been laying in the bun for six days. I figured they were picking up each other’s flavors.

Wednesday morning, I grabbed the big bag of hot dogs to make two new halves of lunch. Oh, dear. ONE OF THE HOT DOGS WAS GREEN! Not neon green, not day-glow green, but green. Kind of a brownish grayish green that is only found on the surface of meat or meat substitutes. So I took that hot dog and the four left in the pack, and made The Pony feed them to my sweet, sweet Juno. Now I was hotdogless for lunch.

I couldn’t bring myself to take tuna salad. Those persnickety lunchmates would no doubt turn up their noses. So I foraged around in the pantry. Mmmm. Sardines in mustard sauce. Again, a no-go for the fish-hating nugget-eaters. The only alternative was potted meat. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire! I spread that potted meat on a hot dog bun to look like a hot dog. A whole bun. This was not a fat bloated hot dog.

Many eyes were upon my meal. But nobody dared say a word.

Too bad I couldn't even win the Unhealthiest Lunch trophy. The large bag of chocolate-covered peanuts washed down by a 20-ounce Coke took that prize.